Good morning and God bless.
I thank God for waking me and allowing me to have another day to try to get my life back on track.
I know that addiction is cunning, baffling and insidious. I am living proof. I have been allowing myself to fall for the tricks for the majority of my life. Way back when I had no clue that I was a addict. Today knowing the little bit that I do know about addiction I can see the insidious, cunningness and it baffles me that I continue to consciously make the decision to return to active addiction for a full refund of my pain, misery and suffering.
There are 2 people inside my mind fighting for control over me and it drives me up the wall. I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. In the morning I am all set to make today the day I dont use and then gradually as rhe day goes on I change and I start to feel frustration set in and my addiction comes to me in that all to familiar whisper.
Before I know it that whisper becomes a full blown thought and then obsession. And then its the compulsion to continue using even though I know better. The fact that I have no money doesn’t matter, that I have to work in the morning doesn’t matter, that I am slowly committing suicide doesn’t matter. Nothing matters except getting that next one. The insanity has been refunded and I want out.
Dr. Jekyll no longer lives and Mr. High takes full control. I can hear the Dr. but I cannot help him. I hear him but I cannot reach him. I want to help him and I know what to do to bring him back but being caught up in the grips I am unable to do so it is a sad and lonely place I am in right now.
More will be revealed.
Good morning and God bless. I always try to start my day by thanking God for his guidance and strength. I on the other hand don’t always listen for that guidance or use the strength and that causes unnecessary pain and suffering. I have to learn how to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that keep me running from myself. Lol Thats a funny statement RUNNING FROM MYSELF. It actually makes no sense because no matter where I go there I am. So why do I think that using is an escape.
Using is not the answer but it always seems to be the best solution until I actually use and all the pain is refunded immediately and THEN I realize what a bad decision it was. I have to work harder at realizing before no u have to work on not giving in to those thoughts and feelings because there were times that I realized it wasn’t a good idea and did it anyway.
I need help with sticking and staying. I need help with learning how to stop running. I need help with reaching out to people when I know I’m on that slippery slope. I need to start being that person who I only dream of being. That person who cares about others and practices living the principals of the NA program. I know he’s in there and I need to become him. He that is not the giant of my dreams, not the great I AM. No the other me. Humble servant of God and others.
I will start to practice getting through feelings without using one day at a time. I know that a better life awaits and if I can stop running and use the tools given to me so freely by others in the fellowship I know that I too can enjoy a life without the use of drugs.
I want to thank all those who stood and still stand by me. I appreciate all that you do. Your patience, care and concern is teaching me how to live a unselfish life. I will freely give it back as it is given to me. That is a lesson I will never forget.
As my journey continues I will continue to share. It has been a difficult one so far but believe it or not I am getting better.
Thank you for allowing me to share.
Hello family. I hope by the time you are reading this you are fine and all is well in your life.
I thank God for another day. I am grateful to be able to share my life with you all. The ups and the downs of it. Every day is a challenge and I am hard pressed right now to get back on track. I have been struggling lately and as you already know its been a rough road to recovery for me.
I always try my best to keep it real here in my blog and on Facebook but there have been times when I just dont feel like sharing. Especially on Facebook. I’m in one of those times now. I will continue to post my lifes ups and downs here in my blog but no longer will I do that on Facebook.
I have found that social media site not to be the best place for me to keep it real. Too many lurkers. People who are not in recovery and only look to spread gossip and rumors. So that being said I am glad for the few who are subscribing to my blog. You will still be able to follow me on my journey.
Today is better than yesterday and yesterday was better than the day before that. So in essence things are getting better one day at a time.
I still haven’t figured out why I hate myself so much. Maybe hate is too strong a word. Why I do not love myself enough to deny the urges to use. I thought I was working my program to the best of my ability and then BAM. Its like everything I accomplished went right out the window.
I have fallen and am having a difficult time getting up but I do know what was working so I do know what needs to be done. My problem is consistency. How do I maintain consistency even when I don’t feel like it. My disease plays on the fact that I have never stuck to any one thing for to long. I start off gun ho and then fizzle to a grinding halt. How do I change this character defect?
I know that change doesn’t happen over night, I also know change is uncomfortable and scary. I need to learn how to work through those uncomfortable feelings and keep moving forward.
I will return to the rooms of NA again.
This will be RECOVERY PART 4.
I will never give up. I don’t care what other people think or say about my continuing to return to the scene of the crime (my relapse). This is my story, my process, my life.
I WILL RECOVER.
Hello all and God bless.
I always start my day by thanking my higher power God for waking me and pray for guidance.
I dont always follow that guidance and for that I wind up paying a price.
I have always had a issue with being consistent. Lets face it. I have not been consistent with anything except using. I have been a failure at many things and so far my attempt at staying clean is following that pattern. I am failing.
Once again I am sitting here after a relapse saying why me. Asking myself why I continue to return to the scene of the crime. Why do I go back to using when I know the end results will always be the same.
I know what I need to do to stay clean and my track record shows that I can do what needs to be done for a short time. I have a 3-4 month lasting period and then I start falling off. I do other things and stop making meetings. I know better but do it anyway and before I know it ive screwed up again.
I have been running from my feelings all my life. Although I have gotten a little better this time around I have still not gotten to where I can face anything and still recover. Fear is my worse enemy.
I will never stop trying. I will continue to practice what I have learned and work harder at facing my fears. I have a disease that wants me dead and I need to learn how to live and stop helping my disease carry out its mission.
I wanted to keep this a secret because I am embarrassed to admit that I have done it AGAIN. But keeping this secret has only kept me using and will keep me sick. Today I want to be honest and expose this so maybe I can get the help I truly need.
Recovery is not as easy as I thought it would be or should be. But using is a lot harder. I am not the BIG I AM. I struggle and stumble and fall down. But I will get up. I refuse to stay down and let my disease win. I dont know how to live without drugs but I do know a place to go so I can learn.
I will go back to the rooms. At least there I know I will be around people who understand what I am going through.
Thank you to all who have shown me love and support and those who have not given up on me.