Hello everyone. I thank God for waking me and you for reading my blog. God bless you.
This past week I went through a range of feelings. Some identifiable some not. First and foremost I want to thank my friends Vanessa and Heidi for inviting me to hangout with them Saturday. I had a great time. I am beginning to see and understand that in NA we really do have fun and that I really don’t need to use drugs to accomplish that. I have to admit that using hasn’t been fun for a long time.
Lately I have been feeling really strange. I have been feeling not only lonely but also afraid, bored, curious, sad, happy, and anxious to name a few. At times I find myself wondering what to do. I am trying to find ways to fill the void. At times I have no clue what to do with myself. When I feel like this I make meetings and read the literature today. Before I would get frustrated and my addiction would go to work on getting me back…and it usually didn’t take much because using was all I knew.
Recovery is new to me and it takes some getting used to. I realize now only because I am truly doing some work this time that my addiction really is cunning and baffling. Mysterious is a understatement. But one thing I know for sure is using is not the answer for this I am grateful. I have also come to believe that all feelings DO pass. I have experienced it first hand.
Today I am practicing denying myself those urges to use when I have nothing to do. Actually its more habit than a urge. The obsession to use has been lifted. I no longer feel the urge to use but the thoughts still come and go. I thank my higher power which I choose to call God for this. Plus the fact that I am a MEMBER of NA and not just a member because I make meetings. I am a member because I am actually working the program to the best of my ability. I know that nothing is possible without God so I am working on a more conscious contact with him.
The strange feelings come and go I do not act off impulse I wait patiently, pray, call people and make meetings and talk about how I feel. It works. I take suggestions and most importantly
I DO NOT USE.
Its scary and uncomfortable and there are times when I doubt if I can make it. My addiction tells me I am not worthy, that I am wasting my time, that I am a failure and will fail at recovery too but just for today I am not buying it. Thanks to learning to listen I know how to deal with those thoughts. I am better equipped to handle situations when they arise. Today I choose not to use no matter how strange I feel. It too shall pass.
Thank you for all your support.
Peace and blessings