Good evening God bless you.
I always start my day thanking God for waking me up and waking me up clean.
In my active addiction I would not thank anyone for anything. All I ever did was take, take and take some more. I was void of any feelings other than self gratification. I understand now how my behaviors and attitudes affected everyone around me and am beginning to understand what part my feelings played.
Today clean I go through a host of feelings that I cannot identify. When I was active I had the same problem but in my confusion I would get frustrated and then that would just lead to anger and using behind the feelings. What ever the feelings where it didnt matter I would get high. Anger is the only feeling I ever understood. Today being clean it is difficult to identify the feelings but I do not get frustrated or angry. I try to understand or identify the feelings and if I cannot I share about it. I do not run and use.
There are times when I might be happy for awhile or I might get frustrated or feel tired but not to the point where it consumes me and makes me want to use. In the past I used no matter how I felt. I am grateful for the growth in that department. I understand that its just a feeling and it will pass. Even if I cannot identify it.
I have to admit that lately I have been feeling a little strange because things are going so well. Thats the failure in me crying out for attention..NOT TODAY FAILURE. When ever things are going good in my life my addictive behaviors try to crash the party and make me think I dont deserve it. It has been the story of my life. Usually I fall for the BS and go to cop something. Today I am sharing this with you and everyone else. I will not fall victim to the BS. Today I tell on my disease I wont become ab prisoner to it again.
I have lost a lot. I don’t mean material things either. I lost a lot of years. Time is something I can never get back but I can change how I spend my time from this day forward. Today I choose to do what I have never done instead of what I’ve always done. I understand that if I keep going where I’ve always gone. I will keep getting what I’ve always got. Instead of the usual Pain, Misery and Suffering. Today I look forward to the Happy Joyous and Free.
Today I will continue to practice facing my feelings head on and deal with them instead of fearing them and returning to being a prisoner to them.
Peace and blessings