SEARCHING FOR ME


Hello family. I hope that at the time you are reading this everything is great in your world. God bless you.

I thank God for waking me, guiding me and protecting me today.

Not to long ago I wouldn’t have said anything like this. I was all about me. I was self centered and so self destructive. I was hopeless, faithless, useless and feeling worthless. I was deep in depression and just plain lost. I felt like life was not worth living anymore and I had thoughts of killing myself everyday. I couldn’t believe that God let all the things I was going through happen to me and I was very bitter. I blamed everyone for my dilemma and took no responsibility for my circumstances what so ever.

I was in deep denial. I lived in a fantasy world. Isolated from anyone and everyone. If you didn’t use drugs I didn’t have much conversation for you and in the end I didn’t have much conversation for people who used either. My addiction took me to the depths of hell but I couldn’t see it. Nobody wanted me around due to my unpredictable nature plus the fact I was a liar and a thief. I didn’t care. Who needs them anyway is what I would say. I always put on a front and acted like I didn’t care but deep down inside I was hurting because all I ever wanted to do was fit in. I only wanted someone to like me.

When I was a child I did things to get attention. As a teenager and well into adulthood I did things to fit in, to be accepted. I always looked for approval from others because I didn’t like or approve of who I was. I never took the time to get to know who I really am. I didn’t like how I looked as a child I was a skinny kid with big eyes. I was and still am my hardest critic.

I could go on and on but I’m sure you get the picture.

So like I said I had been having thoughts of killing myself. I wanted to die but just was to much of a coward to actually do it. I thank God for planting the NA seed in my mind  back in December of 2010. He knew I was at the end of the road but he had other plans for me.

Even though I came into the rooms in January 2011 I still went back out several times thinking I knew a better way to use. I realize after several attempts that I cannot win and so that being said I finally surrendered.

The last run made me realize that I was totally out of control and it was time to do something about it. I came back to the rooms and have been here fighting for my life ever since. I have been making meetings EVERYDAY, working the steps, reading the literature and sharing honestly. I am chipping away at the layers of deception and stripping the masks away one day at a time. I have accepted who I am and I have been asking for and receiving help from my sponsor and NA family. I know how to offer advice and help others, now I am learning to do those things for me.

I have many new friends today who are here for me whenever I need them. I now believe that I am not alone and never have to be again.

FOR THIS I AM TRULY GRATEFUL.

Peace and blessings

NAM.

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