IT IS SUGGESTED

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I thank my higher power God for everything today. Good or bad. I am clean and it doesn’t have to be this way.

I hope that at the time you are reading this that everything is great in your life. If its not hang in there things will get better.

Dont pick up.

That was the first thing anyone ever suggested to me. I couldnt understand such a simple suggestion. I could not imagine life without using. Don’t pick up ha what is he crazy. Thats what I thought when I first heard it. I have used some kind of mind or mood altering substance ever since I was in the 5th grade in public school. At first it was experimental, then it was to fit in, then it was for fun, then it became habit and in the end I had no choice. I couldn’t stop.

I used drugs 3 quarters of my life. It was suggested that I not mess with drugs by teacher’s, my parents and even by addicts that where already hooked way back when. I never listened to any of them and I paid a hefty price. Some of you know my story if you don’t read past post. I wont go into details here but in the end life was anything but wonderful.

Drugs and my attitudes and behaviors have made my existence a living nightmare. A nightmare from which there was no escape. That is until God led me back to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous.  In the beginning I came in with that same street mentality that kept me stuck in addiction in the first place and as a direct result I continued to run back out the door to get high.

What was it about me that kept me from experiencing the freedom I see so many other addicts experience? It was my thinking..After finally realizing that I couldn’t use and win I finally surrendered and came to accept the fact that I can no longer use drugs. That there is no successful way to use. I gave up trying and decided to pay attention.

I have taken the suggestions that I have been hearing and already knew and started applying them to my life. Make 90 meetings in 90 days,  get a sponsor,  get numbers, talk about your feelings and of course don’t pick up. Who would’ve thought that just by taking a few simple suggestions that my life would become so much better.

I am learning to listen to others which for me is huge. I am reading the literature and working steps. I make meetings. I make meetings.  I make meetings. When I dont feel like making a meeting.  I make meetings. Staying connected has proven to be the key to my recovery.

It was suggested to me a long time ago but I didnt listen.

Today I do.

Peace and blessings.

Eric Ease

STRANGE

Hello everyone.  I thank God for waking me and you for reading my blog. God bless you.

This past week I went through a range of feelings. Some identifiable some not. First and foremost I want to thank my friends Vanessa and Heidi for inviting me to hangout with them Saturday. I had a great time. I am beginning to see and understand that in NA we really do have fun and that I really don’t need to use drugs to accomplish that. I have to admit that using hasn’t been fun for a long time.

Lately I have been feeling really strange. I have been feeling not only lonely but also afraid,  bored,  curious,  sad, happy, and anxious to name a few. At times I find myself wondering what to do. I am trying to find ways to fill the void. At times I have no clue what to do with myself. When I feel like this I make meetings and read the literature today. Before I would get frustrated and my addiction would go to work on getting me back…and it usually didn’t take much because using was all I knew.

Recovery is new to me and it takes some getting used to. I realize now only because I am truly doing some work this time that my addiction really is cunning and baffling. Mysterious is a understatement. But one thing I know for sure is using is not the answer for this I am grateful. I have also come to believe that all feelings DO pass. I have experienced it first hand.

Today I am practicing denying myself those urges to use when I have nothing to do. Actually its more habit than a urge. The obsession to use has been lifted. I no longer feel the urge to use but the thoughts still come and go. I thank my higher power which I choose to call God for this. Plus the fact that I am a MEMBER of NA and not just a member because I make meetings.  I am a member because I am actually working the program to the best of my ability. I know that nothing is possible without God so I am working on a more conscious contact with him.

The strange feelings come and go I do not act off impulse I wait patiently, pray, call people and make meetings and talk about how I feel. It works. I take suggestions and most importantly

I DO NOT USE.

Its scary and uncomfortable and there are times when I doubt if I can make it. My addiction tells me I am not worthy,  that I am wasting my time,  that I am a failure and will fail at recovery too but just for today I am not buying it. Thanks to learning to listen I know how to deal with those thoughts. I am better equipped to handle situations when they arise. Today I choose not to use no matter how strange I feel. It too shall pass.

Thank you for all your support. 

Peace and blessings

Eric

FEELINGS

Good evening God bless you.

I always start my day thanking God for waking me up and waking me up clean.
In my active addiction I would not thank anyone for anything. All I ever did was take, take and take some more. I was void of any feelings other than self gratification. I understand now how my behaviors and attitudes affected everyone around me and am beginning to understand what part my feelings played.

Today clean I go through a host of feelings that I cannot identify. When I was active I had the same problem but in my confusion I would get frustrated and then that would just lead to anger and using behind the feelings. What ever the feelings where it didnt matter I would get high. Anger is the only feeling I ever understood. Today being clean it is difficult to identify the feelings but I do not get frustrated or angry. I try to understand or identify the feelings and if I cannot I share about it. I do not run and use.

There are times when I might be happy for awhile or I might get frustrated or feel tired but not to the point where it consumes me and makes me want to use. In the past I used no matter how I felt.  I am grateful for the growth in that department. I understand that its just a feeling and it will pass. Even if I cannot identify it.

I have to admit that lately I have been feeling a little strange because things are going so well. Thats the failure in me crying out for attention..NOT TODAY FAILURE. When ever things are going good in my life my addictive behaviors try to crash the party and make me think I dont deserve it. It has been the story of my life. Usually I fall for the BS and go to cop something. Today I am sharing this with you and everyone else. I will not fall victim to the BS. Today I tell on my disease I wont become ab prisoner to it again.

I have lost a lot. I don’t mean material things either. I lost a lot of years. Time is something I can never get back but I can change how I spend my time from this day forward. Today I choose to do what I have never done instead of what I’ve always done. I understand that if I keep going where I’ve always gone. I will keep getting what I’ve always got. Instead of the usual Pain, Misery and Suffering. Today I look forward to the Happy Joyous and Free.

Today I will continue to practice facing  my feelings head on and deal with them instead of fearing them and returning to being a prisoner to them.

Peace and blessings

ERIC

THE MESSAGE IS HOPE.

Grateful to have another day clean.

I wake up everyday and thank my higher power for another day clean because I know that its because of his grace and mercy and it didn’t have to be this way. I also say a prayer for the still sick and suffering addicts as well. I pray they find their way home.

I woke up with a sense of freedom this morning that I have never felt. I am so grateful to be able to share my experience, strength and hope with all of you. I finally can say that the lightbulb is on and shining bright. It is all because of God, NA and all of the support and encouragement I receive from you.

I went to a group anniversary last night. It was a meeting and a dance afterwards. I have never been to a dance and not used so at first I felt a little awkward. In time that feeling passed and I was able to enjoy the rewards of being clean and around people who have found a new way of living. I had the time of my life and I did it without the use of drugs which was a new experience in itself.

I woke up with a new belief that I can do this. I woke up without a hangover, hotbox or a pasty mouth. I woke up without the guilt and embarrassment. I woke up early and made a meeting and shared my gratitude with everyone. I am feeling really confident about my new way of life. I am learning how to live just by showing up, making meetings, listening and sharing. I am following the suggestions of my sponsor, grand sponsor and the other predecessors in the rooms. Utilizing my higher power and most importantly not picking up.

The message is clear. An addict any addict can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use drugs and find a new way to live. If I can do it after using for 36 years so can you.

Today is a new day. I am grateful to have found a new way of live.

I LOVE NA

Peace and blessings

ERIC

SEARCHING FOR ME

Hello family. I hope that at the time you are reading this everything is great in your world. God bless you.

I thank God for waking me, guiding me and protecting me today.

Not to long ago I wouldn’t have said anything like this. I was all about me. I was self centered and so self destructive. I was hopeless, faithless, useless and feeling worthless. I was deep in depression and just plain lost. I felt like life was not worth living anymore and I had thoughts of killing myself everyday. I couldn’t believe that God let all the things I was going through happen to me and I was very bitter. I blamed everyone for my dilemma and took no responsibility for my circumstances what so ever.

I was in deep denial. I lived in a fantasy world. Isolated from anyone and everyone. If you didn’t use drugs I didn’t have much conversation for you and in the end I didn’t have much conversation for people who used either. My addiction took me to the depths of hell but I couldn’t see it. Nobody wanted me around due to my unpredictable nature plus the fact I was a liar and a thief. I didn’t care. Who needs them anyway is what I would say. I always put on a front and acted like I didn’t care but deep down inside I was hurting because all I ever wanted to do was fit in. I only wanted someone to like me.

When I was a child I did things to get attention. As a teenager and well into adulthood I did things to fit in, to be accepted. I always looked for approval from others because I didn’t like or approve of who I was. I never took the time to get to know who I really am. I didn’t like how I looked as a child I was a skinny kid with big eyes. I was and still am my hardest critic.

I could go on and on but I’m sure you get the picture.

So like I said I had been having thoughts of killing myself. I wanted to die but just was to much of a coward to actually do it. I thank God for planting the NA seed in my mind  back in December of 2010. He knew I was at the end of the road but he had other plans for me.

Even though I came into the rooms in January 2011 I still went back out several times thinking I knew a better way to use. I realize after several attempts that I cannot win and so that being said I finally surrendered.

The last run made me realize that I was totally out of control and it was time to do something about it. I came back to the rooms and have been here fighting for my life ever since. I have been making meetings EVERYDAY, working the steps, reading the literature and sharing honestly. I am chipping away at the layers of deception and stripping the masks away one day at a time. I have accepted who I am and I have been asking for and receiving help from my sponsor and NA family. I know how to offer advice and help others, now I am learning to do those things for me.

I have many new friends today who are here for me whenever I need them. I now believe that I am not alone and never have to be again.

FOR THIS I AM TRULY GRATEFUL.

Peace and blessings

NAM.