A NEW SPARK

October 26, 2012

Good morning and God bless you.

I thank God for waking me up clean today. I am feeling happy and free as the hours are turning into days. I am finding that making meetings are a very big help and making them after work helps tremendously. I am slowly become more sure of myself and know that it is all due to living my higher powers will for me.

Today I am paying more attention to how I am feeling and behaving. I am taking the suggestions of others and I am reading my literature. I am expressing myself in meetings and talking 1 on 1 with others after meetings. I am back in my online groups sharing as well. I am proud of myself and my new outlook on life. I am working my program at my own pace and I like it.

I met someone on FB and we have been talking lately. It’s amazing to me how much we have in common but most important is she is in recovery and serious about hers. I like that. I will remember to keep my focus and try hard not to get ahead of myself or start projecting scenarios and outcomes like I normally do. I will continue to practice living One day at a time and practice the principals in all my affairs.

I finally feel like I can actually do this as long as I stay connected I believe that all will be well. God has given me a new spark and I plan on taking full advantage of this opportunity.

Peace and blessings.

NAM

VIGOROUS APPLICATION

October 27, 2012

Good evening and God bless you.

First and foremost I am grateful to my higher power God for guiding me today because every meeting I tried to attend was no longer there. After the 3rd one I started feeling like a man without a home for a minute but it passed. I have a meeting locator book that needs to be tossed. I have to see tomorrow if anyone has a updated book.

I am truly grateful that I was not going through something because I would have been in trouble. The reason I say that is because I don’t have a phone at the moment either due to the wreckage of my last run. I thank God for guiding me and keeping me strong enough to continue to live his will and not my own.

Today I was batting 0 for 3 for meetings. So I used the other tools that I had available. I listened to my TD Jakes sermons, I read the literature in the basic text and of course writing in my blog.

I also have been calling
(on a pay phone) my new friend. I like talking to her. She is smart, funny and she listens and offers good advice. She has been on my mind a lot lately. I know they say not to get involved with anyone in the first year of recovery but I disagree. She is in recovery also and in my opinion she will be a strong source of support. We actually spoke about this topic yesterday. We talk about a lot of things not just recovery. I like her style. 

So my 90 in 90 has been broken but not because of a lack of trying so I feel good about that and I am still on track. I will make 2 meetings tomorrow to make up for today. I am feeling better and more connected everyday that I do not use.
I am a member of NA and I will succeed and make new friends.
Thank God for today makes day 12 clean.

One day at a time.

Peace and blessings

NAM

HURRICANE SANDY I

October 28, 2012

Hello and God bless you.

I thank God for sending the Angels to guide and protect me today. I am grateful that through his power I am staying on the path. I am doing the work necessary to maintain and survive while continuing to live his will for me.

I went to my first NA meeting in my hometown of Brooklyn, NY this morning and I am so glad that I did. It was a anniversary celebration and it was awesome. I was able to get in touch with some feelings and relate like never before. I will be making this meeting every Sunday from here on out. I really enjoyed the speakers they really carried the message and I can say that I came out of that meeting feeling great.

One thing that really stuck out was one brother who shared about how mammals always travel in herds, packs, flocks etc. And how whenever one leaves the herd and goes his own way how something bad always happens. Like the birds that fly South and one bird decides he wants to fly North but dies because it gets cold and lonely. Then he connected it to addicts we travel in groups and whenever we decide to do things our way and go at it alone how we relapse. WE LEFT THE HERD (GROUP). It was awesome. I made the connection immediately.

Everytime I decide to put my wants ahead of my need for meetings I am leaving the HERD. And relapse is inevitable. It has happened 4 times already so I know now that it is true. I cannot recover successfully without making meetings and staying connected. I am grateful God woke me up to make that meeting. Thank you Jesus. Amen.

On another note my second choice for a meeting today was cancelled due to Hurricane Sandy. I can remember in my active addiction coming out in hurricanes, snow storms whatever to get my drugs. I was upset that the meeting was cancelled when the weather was nowhere near dangerous. What happened to no matter what.

Not only has the meeting been cancelled but NYC is under a severe storm watch, certain areas are under mandatory evacuation and the subway system is being shutdown at 7 pm. This is looking like a very serious storm for us.

I will be praying for all who live close to the coast line. May God bless us all. I will keep you posted.

Peace and blessings

NAM

BAD DECISIONS

October 16, 2012

Hello and God Bless You.

I guess by now you know that I’ve done it again. For the umpteenth time I went and took my will back and made a decision to go out and use. I say a decision because that’s exactly what it was. Nobody forced me to do it. I wasn’t kidnapped and told use this or die. I wasn’t forced to cop drugs, by a new stem and lighter or light up. I made a decision and of course once again it has proved to be the wrong decision.

I have a serious problem that I still have not fully come to grips with or understand. It’s not like I don’t already know the consequences. It’s not like I don’t already know my life will either slowly or quickly spin outta control and become not only unmanageable but unbearable. It’s not like I haven’t been down this road before because I have.

It’s crazy because they say if you knew better you do better but that doesn’t seem to apply when it comes to me. Insanity is said to be doing the same thing expecting different results. So what do you call doing the same thing knowing the results??
STUPIDITY.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not trying hard enough. No I am not really trying at all to stay clean. The minute things get uncomfortable or hard I give up. That’s the story of my life and of all the things that I have changed in my life the one major thing that needs to be changed remains the same. As a direct result I continue to go down that same path, listening to myself tell myself the same lies.

I am my biggest cheerleader, my biggest critic and my worse enemy. It is time for me to pee or get off the pot. I am tired of not being able to accumulate mere days of cleantime.

I am making a commitment right here right now that from this day forward I will work harder, put my recovery first and participate in my own recovery. No more excuses.

FAITH WITHOUT WORKS IS DEAD.

Peace and blessings.

NAM

CONVERSATION WITH MY MONSTER.

October 17, 2012

God bless you.

I am feeling really anxious, edgy, restless and somewhat irritable. Today is day 2 back. I am watching TV and can’t really focus. I feel a bit like I’m detoxing. I hate feeling like this.

I want off the crazy rollercoaster ride. Addiction has me going insane. I am in constant conflict. My addiction is talking smack to me. Trying to get me to give up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. I will fight you, I am not going to give up so easy like I normally do. Fuck off addiction.

October 18, 2012

I woke up feeling pretty good. I thank God for getting me through my rough patch last night. I still feel a bit anxious but I am not feeling irritable this morning. I am looking forward to making a couple of meetings and having a great day. I will keep you updated as I go through the day. Have a blessed day.

I am listening to TD Jakes right now and he is preaching about survival. The Glory of the Lord is in this place. I am feeling very inspired at this moment.

It didn’t last. My monster attacks with the main purpose of ending my life. I like an asshole am helping my addiction kill me. SMH. I suffer from the compulsion to use and it is so strong it doesn’t subside until I do. I don’t stand a chance against it. It’s impossible to escape.

I know that this time has to be different. I have to put my recovery first, make recovery my priority. I have to mold my life around NA. I know this and this time with the help of my HP God I have faith that it is possible.

MY SEASON

October 25, 2012

Good morning and God bless you.

God woke me up today and I am grateful. I am feeling really good even though I have not slept more than 4-5 hours each night this week. I am not complaining because as I said I am grateful. I am clean, healthy, have a job to go to and a program in my life. I am stoked because I am feeling like I am finally ready to let go of the past, focus on what needs to be done today and my faith is growing. I am making meetings and finally molding my life around making meetings. Just for today it is working just like people in the rooms said it would. I feel at peace and its all due to the grace of my higher power.

I feel I am ready to move on. I am truly sick and tired of the way I have been living and I know that there is a better way. God is guiding me and I am living his will for me and not my own. I know this is a process and not a race. I will remember to take it one day or even one minute at a time. Slow and steady is how I am rolling.

I am eager to make meetings and look forward to making 90 in 90. I have 9 days clean and sober. From Stuggle to Strength is my motto from here on out. Gratitude fills my Attitude. I will learn to Love and Forgive myself and others. I truly believe that now is my season. I will end all old, unhealthy relationships with people who are not moving in the same direction as me. People who I thought were my friends but I have come to realize don’t give a shit about me are dead and stinking. They do not have my best interest at heart and we have nothing in common other than drugs. Those relations have run there course and their season in my life is officially OVER.

BYE BYE HATERS.

I will open myself to making new friends. I have issues with meeting new people but I am willing to work through them. I need help in this area and will seek the help I need. Time to grow up establish healthy relationships, face my fears, change negative behaviors to positive ones and learn how to live life.

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Peace and blessings

NAM