October 17, 2012

God bless you.

I am feeling really anxious, edgy, restless and somewhat irritable. Today is day 2 back. I am watching TV and can’t really focus. I feel a bit like I’m detoxing. I hate feeling like this.

I want off the crazy rollercoaster ride. Addiction has me going insane. I am in constant conflict. My addiction is talking smack to me. Trying to get me to give up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. I will fight you, I am not going to give up so easy like I normally do. Fuck off addiction.

October 18, 2012

I woke up feeling pretty good. I thank God for getting me through my rough patch last night. I still feel a bit anxious but I am not feeling irritable this morning. I am looking forward to making a couple of meetings and having a great day. I will keep you updated as I go through the day. Have a blessed day.

I am listening to TD Jakes right now and he is preaching about survival. The Glory of the Lord is in this place. I am feeling very inspired at this moment.

It didn’t last. My monster attacks with the main purpose of ending my life. I like an asshole am helping my addiction kill me. SMH. I suffer from the compulsion to use and it is so strong it doesn’t subside until I do. I don’t stand a chance against it. It’s impossible to escape.

I know that this time has to be different. I have to put my recovery first, make recovery my priority. I have to mold my life around NA. I know this and this time with the help of my HP God I have faith that it is possible.

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