October 16, 2012
Hello and God Bless You.
I guess by now you know that I’ve done it again. For the umpteenth time I went and took my will back and made a decision to go out and use. I say a decision because that’s exactly what it was. Nobody forced me to do it. I wasn’t kidnapped and told use this or die. I wasn’t forced to cop drugs, by a new stem and lighter or light up. I made a decision and of course once again it has proved to be the wrong decision.
I have a serious problem that I still have not fully come to grips with or understand. It’s not like I don’t already know the consequences. It’s not like I don’t already know my life will either slowly or quickly spin outta control and become not only unmanageable but unbearable. It’s not like I haven’t been down this road before because I have.
It’s crazy because they say if you knew better you do better but that doesn’t seem to apply when it comes to me. Insanity is said to be doing the same thing expecting different results. So what do you call doing the same thing knowing the results??
I have come to the conclusion that I am not trying hard enough. No I am not really trying at all to stay clean. The minute things get uncomfortable or hard I give up. That’s the story of my life and of all the things that I have changed in my life the one major thing that needs to be changed remains the same. As a direct result I continue to go down that same path, listening to myself tell myself the same lies.
I am my biggest cheerleader, my biggest critic and my worse enemy. It is time for me to pee or get off the pot. I am tired of not being able to accumulate mere days of cleantime.
I am making a commitment right here right now that from this day forward I will work harder, put my recovery first and participate in my own recovery. No more excuses.
FAITH WITHOUT WORKS IS DEAD.
Peace and blessings.