TRULY BLESSED

November 1, 2012

Good morning and God Bless You.

I thank God for waking me up clean, healthy and free from the horrors of my active addiction. I am truly grateful and feeling blessed to be where I am at in my recovery today. God has and continues to show me that by living his will and not my own that there are blessings awaiting.

First and foremost the clarity of mind. The noise in my head is starting to quiet down and the obsession to use has also. Secondly the compulsive behavior is also not as bad, slowly but surely I am starting to feel and behave differently. I can see change happening already. God has guided me and I have been working hard at following his directions.

I have also been blessed to have met someone who knows exactly what I am going through, has been there herself, is in recovery and we have so much in common. I truly believe God has sent me an angel and for that I am truly grateful.

I have a new found purpose. My faith has been renewed. I no longer am feeling useless, hopeless and worthless. My self esteem is building and I am beginning to have hope. I feel I can do this, I know there is a better life waiting for me and I can see a little light at the end of the tunnel. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I am finally feeling excited,  happy and hopeful. I never thought I would be happy again. I want to keep this feeling so I will continue to stay connected to my NA family, continue taking the suggestions and doing the work by reading the literature, making meetings and working the steps. After all that is why I am feeling like I’m feeling…

I LOVE NA

Peace and blessings

NAM

BACK 2 WORK

October 31, 2012

Hello and God bless you

Today I went back to work and it was crazy getting there. I left my house at 6:30am had to take 2 buses then walk across the Brooklyn Bridge and then take another bus but that bus never came so I walked 37 blocks to get to my job. Going home was even worse but I made it home safe and sound. All together I spent 7 hours in travel alone but God has guided me home and continues to show me how much better off I am living his will and not my own.

I’m grateful to have a job to go to and will be even more grateful when the subways are back up and running. The Gov just announced that partial subway service will resume at 6am tomorrow morning. YAY! That’s a beautiful thing.

As the devastation from Sandy continues to be revealed I begin to realize how much I take things for granted. I will practice gratitude for the blessings that I have and not complain as much about things which in reality are minor to say the least.

On another note my friend is safe and I couldn’t be more grateful. I finally spoke to her today and am very happy that I did. God has brought her into my life right when I needed someone. She understands me and I her. I thank God for crossing our paths. It’s devine intervention one day at a time.

Peace and blessings

NAM

HURRICANE SANDY II

October 29, 2012

Hello and God bless you.

Hurricane Sandy is about to hit the city, there is no subway or bus service. It is very, very windy and the rain is starting to get heavy. NYC is handling their business. The news is informative, government officials have emergency precautions in place and seem to be ahead in this storm. Of course evacuations have been put in place and of course some folks aren’t listening. I will pray for them. Looks like a nasty storm and I am safe and sound watching it on TV for now. I hope my power doesn’t go out.

As I stated no trains or buses so I am unable to make a meeting today but that doesn’t mean I am not getting a dose of recovery. I have been reading from It works How & Why and I started on Step 1 again. So I am still doing the work necessary to stay clean. I feel very good about my commitment to put my recovery first and have been doing just that. I am grateful that God has guided me to seeing that this is my season for change. I feel confident that I can do this as long as I stay connected and practice the principals in all areas of my life.

I surrender to the fact that I am powerless over my addiction and my life has become unmanageable again. I realize that in no way can I control my using, it is impossible. I have no reservation that I can use successfully any mind or mood altering substance. I understand that I will have to practice living the program for the rest of my life therefore recovery is now my life. Everything else has to come second if I am going to be able to live. If I decide to take back my will I WILL DIE. its just that simple. I look at this as my last chance to change. I will make new friends in recovery and do things that help me to move forward. I will no longer associate with the old so called friends who are still doing the same things and going nowhere.

Today is a new day and its time to live a new way.

Peace and blessings.

NAM

HURRICANE SANDY III

WOW is all I can say. Sandy is really wreaking havoc all over the city. The worst of it of course is by the coastal areas but its winds are fierce and causing problems in the inland too. We have a crane collapse on 57th St. We have a partial bldg collapse on 14th & 8th Ave. Trees are down all over the place and power outages due to transformers exploding  everywhere. I pray that all those people who were told to evacuate and didn’t are ok.

I feel grateful that I am not in affected areas. I went outside and the wind is strong and the rain is coming down sideways. I don’t have a phone right now and I have been conversating with a new friend I met on a pay phone. I will remember this day years from now when we talk about how we met. I say remember when I came outside in a hurricane just so I could call you and hear your voice. Lol. That’s better than flowers.

Waking up to widespread devastation. NYC is in a state of emergency. There are power outages all across the city, massive flooding on the streets and in the subway tunnels. As a result there is still no trains or buses running. I am stranded at home. Buildings are burning down to the ground and at least 14 deaths have been blamed on Sandy so far.

STAYING ODAAT

October 30, 2012

Hello and God bless you. Thank you for reading my blog.

Today is a sad day all across the tri-state area. Hurricane Sandy has left a trail of destruction and death. I pray for all those affected by this storm.

I feel pretty good today. I am grateful to God for waking me up clean, healthy and safe. I am a bit saddened because the subway is still not running and power is still out in Manhattan so I am unable to go to work. Yes I want to go to work. I am suffering a little from cabin fever. Lol.

Not only am I not able to go to work but I am unable to make meetings as well. I have been reading my literature and doing Step 1 work but I need to make meetings. I know that its not my fault, that I have no control over this situation and I have to deal with life on lifes terms and I will. I can’t help but miss meetings though.

I am concerned for family and friends I do not have phone service right now and it is affecting me. It helps me to see the unmanageability of my life because of my usage. The powerlessness I feel right now is a reminder of why I have to turn my life around. The damage that I caused myself and others is inexcusable. I am particularly concerned for my new friend. I have not been able to reach her since yesterday. I pray she is ok.

In the meantime in between time I will continue reading my literature and working on my Step 1 and continue praying and having faith in my higher power which I choose to call God.

A NEW SPARK

October 26, 2012

Good morning and God bless you.

I thank God for waking me up clean today. I am feeling happy and free as the hours are turning into days. I am finding that making meetings are a very big help and making them after work helps tremendously. I am slowly become more sure of myself and know that it is all due to living my higher powers will for me.

Today I am paying more attention to how I am feeling and behaving. I am taking the suggestions of others and I am reading my literature. I am expressing myself in meetings and talking 1 on 1 with others after meetings. I am back in my online groups sharing as well. I am proud of myself and my new outlook on life. I am working my program at my own pace and I like it.

I met someone on FB and we have been talking lately. It’s amazing to me how much we have in common but most important is she is in recovery and serious about hers. I like that. I will remember to keep my focus and try hard not to get ahead of myself or start projecting scenarios and outcomes like I normally do. I will continue to practice living One day at a time and practice the principals in all my affairs.

I finally feel like I can actually do this as long as I stay connected I believe that all will be well. God has given me a new spark and I plan on taking full advantage of this opportunity.

Peace and blessings.

NAM

VIGOROUS APPLICATION

October 27, 2012

Good evening and God bless you.

First and foremost I am grateful to my higher power God for guiding me today because every meeting I tried to attend was no longer there. After the 3rd one I started feeling like a man without a home for a minute but it passed. I have a meeting locator book that needs to be tossed. I have to see tomorrow if anyone has a updated book.

I am truly grateful that I was not going through something because I would have been in trouble. The reason I say that is because I don’t have a phone at the moment either due to the wreckage of my last run. I thank God for guiding me and keeping me strong enough to continue to live his will and not my own.

Today I was batting 0 for 3 for meetings. So I used the other tools that I had available. I listened to my TD Jakes sermons, I read the literature in the basic text and of course writing in my blog.

I also have been calling
(on a pay phone) my new friend. I like talking to her. She is smart, funny and she listens and offers good advice. She has been on my mind a lot lately. I know they say not to get involved with anyone in the first year of recovery but I disagree. She is in recovery also and in my opinion she will be a strong source of support. We actually spoke about this topic yesterday. We talk about a lot of things not just recovery. I like her style. 

So my 90 in 90 has been broken but not because of a lack of trying so I feel good about that and I am still on track. I will make 2 meetings tomorrow to make up for today. I am feeling better and more connected everyday that I do not use.
I am a member of NA and I will succeed and make new friends.
Thank God for today makes day 12 clean.

One day at a time.

Peace and blessings

NAM

HURRICANE SANDY I

October 28, 2012

Hello and God bless you.

I thank God for sending the Angels to guide and protect me today. I am grateful that through his power I am staying on the path. I am doing the work necessary to maintain and survive while continuing to live his will for me.

I went to my first NA meeting in my hometown of Brooklyn, NY this morning and I am so glad that I did. It was a anniversary celebration and it was awesome. I was able to get in touch with some feelings and relate like never before. I will be making this meeting every Sunday from here on out. I really enjoyed the speakers they really carried the message and I can say that I came out of that meeting feeling great.

One thing that really stuck out was one brother who shared about how mammals always travel in herds, packs, flocks etc. And how whenever one leaves the herd and goes his own way how something bad always happens. Like the birds that fly South and one bird decides he wants to fly North but dies because it gets cold and lonely. Then he connected it to addicts we travel in groups and whenever we decide to do things our way and go at it alone how we relapse. WE LEFT THE HERD (GROUP). It was awesome. I made the connection immediately.

Everytime I decide to put my wants ahead of my need for meetings I am leaving the HERD. And relapse is inevitable. It has happened 4 times already so I know now that it is true. I cannot recover successfully without making meetings and staying connected. I am grateful God woke me up to make that meeting. Thank you Jesus. Amen.

On another note my second choice for a meeting today was cancelled due to Hurricane Sandy. I can remember in my active addiction coming out in hurricanes, snow storms whatever to get my drugs. I was upset that the meeting was cancelled when the weather was nowhere near dangerous. What happened to no matter what.

Not only has the meeting been cancelled but NYC is under a severe storm watch, certain areas are under mandatory evacuation and the subway system is being shutdown at 7 pm. This is looking like a very serious storm for us.

I will be praying for all who live close to the coast line. May God bless us all. I will keep you posted.

Peace and blessings

NAM

BAD DECISIONS

October 16, 2012

Hello and God Bless You.

I guess by now you know that I’ve done it again. For the umpteenth time I went and took my will back and made a decision to go out and use. I say a decision because that’s exactly what it was. Nobody forced me to do it. I wasn’t kidnapped and told use this or die. I wasn’t forced to cop drugs, by a new stem and lighter or light up. I made a decision and of course once again it has proved to be the wrong decision.

I have a serious problem that I still have not fully come to grips with or understand. It’s not like I don’t already know the consequences. It’s not like I don’t already know my life will either slowly or quickly spin outta control and become not only unmanageable but unbearable. It’s not like I haven’t been down this road before because I have.

It’s crazy because they say if you knew better you do better but that doesn’t seem to apply when it comes to me. Insanity is said to be doing the same thing expecting different results. So what do you call doing the same thing knowing the results??
STUPIDITY.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not trying hard enough. No I am not really trying at all to stay clean. The minute things get uncomfortable or hard I give up. That’s the story of my life and of all the things that I have changed in my life the one major thing that needs to be changed remains the same. As a direct result I continue to go down that same path, listening to myself tell myself the same lies.

I am my biggest cheerleader, my biggest critic and my worse enemy. It is time for me to pee or get off the pot. I am tired of not being able to accumulate mere days of cleantime.

I am making a commitment right here right now that from this day forward I will work harder, put my recovery first and participate in my own recovery. No more excuses.

FAITH WITHOUT WORKS IS DEAD.

Peace and blessings.

NAM

CONVERSATION WITH MY MONSTER.

October 17, 2012

God bless you.

I am feeling really anxious, edgy, restless and somewhat irritable. Today is day 2 back. I am watching TV and can’t really focus. I feel a bit like I’m detoxing. I hate feeling like this.

I want off the crazy rollercoaster ride. Addiction has me going insane. I am in constant conflict. My addiction is talking smack to me. Trying to get me to give up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. I will fight you, I am not going to give up so easy like I normally do. Fuck off addiction.

October 18, 2012

I woke up feeling pretty good. I thank God for getting me through my rough patch last night. I still feel a bit anxious but I am not feeling irritable this morning. I am looking forward to making a couple of meetings and having a great day. I will keep you updated as I go through the day. Have a blessed day.

I am listening to TD Jakes right now and he is preaching about survival. The Glory of the Lord is in this place. I am feeling very inspired at this moment.

It didn’t last. My monster attacks with the main purpose of ending my life. I like an asshole am helping my addiction kill me. SMH. I suffer from the compulsion to use and it is so strong it doesn’t subside until I do. I don’t stand a chance against it. It’s impossible to escape.

I know that this time has to be different. I have to put my recovery first, make recovery my priority. I have to mold my life around NA. I know this and this time with the help of my HP God I have faith that it is possible.