CONTINUOUS SURRENDER

Good morning and God bless you.

God grant me the serenity. Those 5 words are my daily prayer. Of course the whole serenity prayer is powerful in itself but the first 5 words I repeat so often throughout the day that it has become my favorite verse.

Today I am learning so much about my disease of addiction. It’s amazing how much I thought I knew and come to realize that I don’t. Addiction is tricky and I know that the minute I think I got a handle on it is when my addiction reminds me that I will NEVER have a handle on this. Control is something that in active addiction I always had to have. Or at least thought I had. In recovery I am learning to surrender those feelings and thoughts of always wanting to control situations. I am learning there are people, places and things that are going to happen that I cannot control and I am learning to be at peace with that. Who woulda thought that would ever be possible.

Now don’t get me wrong. I said I am LEARNING, not I have learned. Lol there are still times when I want my way or the highway. Times when I feel like I know it all and you can’t tell me nothing. Times when I want to prove that I’m right and you are wrong. That’s when I try to remember to pray…

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY.

Today thanks to God my Higher Power, the fellowship, my sponsor and all the good people I have met in and out of recovery I am learning. I am changing. I am believing and achieving. My process has been a slow one and that’s ok because I have learned we recover at different rates and this is not a race its a life long process. It’s a life long learning experience. I had my UPS and my DOWNS probably more than anyone else, and there are those who try to knock me because I have relapsed several times saying I don’t really want recovery, or I’m not ready. Well to you I say Thank you for sharing.

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY.

Don’t judge me until you take time and talk to me.

Surrender is not easy for me but I am learning that it is necessary if I am to succeed. I have also learned that surrender happens continuously throughout the day. It’s not a one time thing you just say and it happens. Surrender take practice and I am learning, practicing and will continue to until it becomes a habit like the ones I am trying to break.

Peace and Blessings

NAM

WEED HEAD

Hello and God Bless You.

Today I am feeling a little better. The grumpy feelings are beginning to fade and I am feeling a bit more at ease. I am grateful for the change because I don’t like being grumpy.

I have been fighting a personal war. A war which I am losing. I don’t like the defeated feeling I have when it comes to this battle. All summer I have been at war with the weeds that grow in my front and back yards. Aaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhh. I can’t stand weeds and they keep coming back. I have used sprays, powders and manual labor and they keep coming back. The funny thing is each time they come back its a different type of weed. Lol. Now I am at war against vines. They have taken over my backyard. I just want them gone. Why do the keep coming back.

I will not quit I just have to find a better strategy. I have a plan for this winter. I am going to finally concrete my whole backyard that will keep me from this tedious yardwork. But that’s for next summer, this summer the yardwork continues to be a thorn in my side. But its work that has to be done so I will continue fighting the good fight..Even if I am losing the battle..Lol

The weed head war shall continue until all the weeds have been destroyed. Lol

Peace and blessings

NAM

KEEPING IT REAL

I have to post this for all those who are unaware. Addiction is a deadly disease that want us dead. Once you become addicted to any mind or mood altering substance you are subject to UNCONTROLLABLE BEHAVIOR. Plain and simple people your mental aka sub-conscious thinking is damaged and can no longer be trusted.
I have a problem with people who think that because they have a degree but have never in their lives used drugs think they know all about addiction.
I am happy for you and your book knowledge and I am not trying to discredit all of your wasted time spent TRYING to understand addiction.
BUT IF YOU DON’T LIVE IT. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND IT.  POINT BLANK…
You can try all you want. But you will never ever, ever, ever have a clue. Unless you walk a mile in my shoes. And I bet you your bottom dollar you wouldn’t last a city block.
SO for all you so called experts who have never seen what ROCK BOTTOM looks like, felt like, smelled like or taste like.
FALL BACK JACK
YO ASS AIN’T GOT A CLUE..
#ROCKBOTTOM
Peace and blessings
NAM.

GRUMPY MOOD

Hello everyone I hope you are having a fantastic weekend. I am not. I am so tired right now. I hate to seem like I am ungrateful but my job is killing me. They are really using and abusing the workforce right now. It seems like they are never satisfied. But I don’t want to make this post about that. I really appreciate the fact that I have a job and believe me I know that it is hard out there because I have been looking for a new job and have not been having any luck. So I have to deal with the hand I am dealt at this point and time.

This is me living life on life’s terms. I am having difficulty but I am maintaining for the most part. I have been taking personal inventory lately and I come to discover that I complain a lot. I bitch and moan about itty bitty stuff. I am working towards changing that. I have also come to realize that I have quite a few defects of character that need to be eliminated. One day at a time I will focus on working towards changing them. I know that it is a process today and that nothing happens over night so I am not going to get discouraged because I do not see results right away. That is my M.O. quit before I really see the results. Nope today I will practice patients and let the miracle happen.
I tell you guys the truth I really don’t have anything to write about today. If I continue to type it will turn into a gripe session. I really feel like complaining..I will take a moment to pray after I post this. I just feel really grumpy today. I cannot wait to get off so I can go home and relax. Maybe I will watch a movie or something. 
Anyway I hope I did not spoil anyone’s mood with my grumpy complaining self..Lol Actually I should be happy. I am not using, I have a job, roof over my head, food to eat and plenty of new friends and a few special old friends. I have a lot to be grateful for. I will be ok. Its just a feeling and it will pass. I heard it said that if something is bothering you talk about it, don’t let it fester and become a problem or reason to pick up. That’s what my blog is for anyway for me to express my feelings and to post what I am going through. I know I am rambling aren’t I. Oh well it’s time to go..Lol
Thanks for listening..
Peace and blessings
NAM