I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday about what makes people tick. My friend is not in recovery so the conversation was a bit one sided.(mostly his side). Afterwards I got to thinking about my own life and the things that set me off. I went home still thinking about it because I have so many things that are potential triggers.
The problem is that I have used for so long that just about everything is a trigger. Literally. In my active addiction I didn’t need a reason to get high. In the beginning it was for fun, in the end it wasnt fun anymore it just became a way of life. Somewhere along the line it became natural to use. I had no choice and couldn’t control the urges and at first didn’t try to but then when I wanted to do other things and not use I began to realize I couldn’t control it, it had control over me.
I would never have told that to my friend and that’s why that conversation was one sided. People who don’t have the disease of addiction have no clue what its like to have no control over using. They could never understand how being in the wrong place or with the wrong crowd can trigger a reaction that can start off something so devastating and oh so deadly. Trying to explain it would take a lifetime and I would only wind up getting frustrated and bang there goes another trigger. Lol. I laugh but its far from funny. Triggers are deadly its no laughing matter.
The really scary part is I will be fighting this disease for the rest of my life. If I let my guard down my relapse will begin the vicious cycle which will lead me back to using and all the insanity that goes along with it. I am so grateful to have the fellowship of NA. I must remember that and stay connected.
Afterall my life depends on it.
Peace and blessings.