August 17

Tell the truth

A symptom of our disease is alienation, and honest sharing will free us to recover.
Basic Text, p. 83

Just for today:

Truth is my connection to reality. Today, I will take time to ask myself, Am I telling the truth?

What’s the truth and what’s the lie. In my active addiction it was hard to tell. I lied so frequently that I began to believe my own BS. I always thought I was slicker than oil and nobody knew that I was lying to them. I used and abused people to get what I wanted. I manipulated, stole, cheated, conned and any other word you can think of to describe my deceitful ways. I hurt a lot of people along the way but mostly I hurt myself.

Because of the way I lived my life today is far from what it could’ve been. The loneliness, abandonment and empty feelings that I have are a direct result of my past. The lies have kept me from openings up to people, kept me from allowing people to get to know me for fear they would not like me. I lived a life of fear of who I was and who I could be so I created an alter ego. I created a person I thought everyone wanted me to be, a person I thought everyone would like. Little did I know that I was creating a monster who eventually no one liked, no one wanted to be around no one, not even myself.

In the end I couldn’t stand to be around myself and I wanted out. I considered killing myself several times and I have done things that should have gotten me killed. In the end I was miserable, alone and at a point of desperation. I needed help and knew there was a way out but believed my own lies. The lies I told myself daily. I’m not worthy. I’m useless, I’m a failure, I will always be this way. I can’t do anything right. All those lies that I have been telling myself for years that kept me stuck in the hellhole that was my life.

Today thanks to the grace of God, my higher power I finally see the truth. I am able to believe that I am somebody, I am worthy, I am not useless, helpless or a failure. I am slowly coming around to seeing the truth of who I am and who I can become. There are times when I get those old feelings of worthlessness and yes I begin to believe the lies. I never said I was cured. In fact the truth is I WILL NEVER BE CURED. I have a disease that wants me to be miserable, defeated, down and out plain and simple my disease wants me dead. If I allow myself to keep believing the lies I will be. That’s the truth. So Its a fight for my life. I believe that with the help of God, the fellowship and all of you I will defeat this one day at a time.

Peace and blessings.


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