DECISIONS DECISIONS

August 23

Decision-making

Before we got clean, most of our actions were guided by impulse. Today, we are not locked into this type of thinking.
Basic Text, p. 90

Just for today:

I will use the principles of the Twelve Steps to make healthy decisions. I will ask my Higher Power for the strength to act on those decisions.

Good morning and God bless you.

Decisions have consequences. That is a lesson that I seem to have to keep learning over and over again. I have always been a hard headed, know it all or at least I’ve always thought I knew it all. As a child I didn’t like being told what to do, and as a teen I really didn’t like being told what to do, so I made a decision to do what I wanted to do. So of course this way of thinking applied as a adult as well.

Unfortunately for me I still to this day have a problem with being told what to do. You would think that by now I would have learned a thing or two about accepting suggestions and listening to others, especially when I know they are right or at least they have my best interest in mind. Thinking back to all the warnings and advice I was given as a child that all started to make sense and turn out to be true later in life, I should know better.

I guess it all boils down to who do I trust myself or them. Lol. My best thinking is what got me into this mess in the first place right. I know, I know. Insanity runs pretty doggone deep my friends.

I have been set into a mold of bad decision making for so long that sometimes I won’t even make a decision at all. I just let things fall where they may. My thought process scares me at times because I know right from wrong and will choose wrong because its easy or comfortable. I am not very disciplined and I am not consistent when it comes to making healthy decisions. I know this is an area that I really need to get better at. Change is scary but necessary when it comes to this character defect.

My disease plays on the fact that I’m not strong in positive thinking. I know that acting off impulse is my addictive behavior and I make the decision to keep allowing the negative thoughts to turn into negative actions. I know I am not crazy although my actions might contradict that statement. I am learning that I have no control and need to learn how to let go of the old and embrace the new.

I am willing to change I am just struggling with carrying it out.

It’s time to make better choices. It’s time to make better decisions. It’s time.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Peace and blessings friends.

NAM

TRIGGERS

I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday about what makes people tick. My friend is not in recovery so the conversation was a bit one sided.(mostly his side). Afterwards I got to thinking about my own life and the things that set me off. I went home still thinking about it because I have so many things that are potential triggers.

The problem is that I have used for so long that just about everything is a trigger. Literally. In my active addiction I didn’t need a reason to get high. In the beginning it was for fun, in the end it wasnt fun anymore it just became a way of life. Somewhere along the line it became natural to use. I had no choice and couldn’t control the urges and at first didn’t try to but then when I wanted to do other things and not use I began to realize I couldn’t control it, it had control over me.

I would never have told that to my friend and that’s why that conversation was one sided. People who don’t have the disease of addiction have no clue what its like to have no control over using. They could never understand how being in the wrong place or with the wrong crowd can trigger a reaction that can start off something so devastating and oh so deadly. Trying to explain it would take a lifetime and I would only wind up getting frustrated and bang there goes another trigger. Lol. I laugh but its far from funny. Triggers are deadly its no laughing matter.

The really scary part is I will be fighting this disease for the rest of my life. If I let my guard down my relapse will begin the vicious cycle which will lead me back to using and all the insanity that goes along with it. I am so grateful to have the fellowship of NA. I must remember that and stay connected.

Afterall my life depends on it.

Peace and blessings.

NAM

WHAT’S THE TRUTH, WHAT’S THE LIE

August 17

Tell the truth

A symptom of our disease is alienation, and honest sharing will free us to recover.
Basic Text, p. 83

Just for today:

Truth is my connection to reality. Today, I will take time to ask myself, Am I telling the truth?

What’s the truth and what’s the lie. In my active addiction it was hard to tell. I lied so frequently that I began to believe my own BS. I always thought I was slicker than oil and nobody knew that I was lying to them. I used and abused people to get what I wanted. I manipulated, stole, cheated, conned and any other word you can think of to describe my deceitful ways. I hurt a lot of people along the way but mostly I hurt myself.

Because of the way I lived my life today is far from what it could’ve been. The loneliness, abandonment and empty feelings that I have are a direct result of my past. The lies have kept me from openings up to people, kept me from allowing people to get to know me for fear they would not like me. I lived a life of fear of who I was and who I could be so I created an alter ego. I created a person I thought everyone wanted me to be, a person I thought everyone would like. Little did I know that I was creating a monster who eventually no one liked, no one wanted to be around no one, not even myself.

In the end I couldn’t stand to be around myself and I wanted out. I considered killing myself several times and I have done things that should have gotten me killed. In the end I was miserable, alone and at a point of desperation. I needed help and knew there was a way out but believed my own lies. The lies I told myself daily. I’m not worthy. I’m useless, I’m a failure, I will always be this way. I can’t do anything right. All those lies that I have been telling myself for years that kept me stuck in the hellhole that was my life.

Today thanks to the grace of God, my higher power I finally see the truth. I am able to believe that I am somebody, I am worthy, I am not useless, helpless or a failure. I am slowly coming around to seeing the truth of who I am and who I can become. There are times when I get those old feelings of worthlessness and yes I begin to believe the lies. I never said I was cured. In fact the truth is I WILL NEVER BE CURED. I have a disease that wants me to be miserable, defeated, down and out plain and simple my disease wants me dead. If I allow myself to keep believing the lies I will be. That’s the truth. So Its a fight for my life. I believe that with the help of God, the fellowship and all of you I will defeat this one day at a time.

Peace and blessings.

NAM

BECOMING RESPONSIBLE

August 8

Responsible recovery

…we accept responsibility for our problems and see that were equally responsible for our solutions.
Basic Text, p. 97

Just for today:

I accept responsibility for my life and my recovery.

Good morning and God Bless You.

Todays JFT is a reminder that I have a responsibility to take care of business that I once took for granted or put off on someone else to take care of. In my active addiction I didn’t care about being responsible all I wanted to do was use. From the basics like washing clothes to the necessary like paying bills it didn’t matter I didn’t care. I lost a lot due to my irresponsible behaviors again it didn’t matter, I didn’t care. I hurt people with my irresponsible behaviors, I hurt myself it didn’t matter, I didn’t care.

That was my life, if you want to call it a life. I prefer to call it my nightmare because today that’s what it looks like to me a nightmare. The only difference is I actually lived that nightmare it wasn’t just a dream. I wish it was but to deny it would be irresponsible. I do not dwell on it because its the past but the wreckage is still evident today so there is no way to sweep it under the rug anymore. It has to be dealt with.

The first thing that needs to be done is I have to keep showing up. It is mandatory that I make meetings. If I do not stay connected I can and will return to the madness and insanity. Being responsible means staying the course and learning how to live clean at the age of 46. Right now that’s my responsibility everything else has to come second. Staying clean is my priority. I am responsible for my recovery not my sponsors or the groups but mines.

As I practice living the principals it will become easier. As long as I give myself a break all will be well. I have faith and I truly believe that.

Peace and Blessings.

NAM

COULD IT BE MY THINKING

Hello and God Bless You

Well the weekend is over and it was a successful one. As you already know I am back from a relapse. It was a jarring experience to say the least. I have been struggling back and forth for a couple of weeks not being able to add more than 3 consecutive days at a time. I was procraatinating and bullshitting myself and 8 days ago finally said enough is enough and made it back to the rooms of NA. I have been making a meeting everyday since.

My biggest problem is my thinking. I’ve been a liar for so long that I tend to believe the BS that I tell myself. I have been practicing honesty this week. Sharing my true feelings. I have also been taking a honest look at myself. Monitoring my attitudes and behaviors. I know that this time has to be different, I have to do different things in order to achieve different results. I look forward to the challenge.

I know that the change I seek is attainable with the help of my higher power God. I know that my thinking got me into this mess so the change has to begin there with my thought process. Nothing good ever happens over night so I will remember this is a process and not a race. I know that I never have to use again no matter what happens as long as I stay connected to my HP, NA and follow the suggestions and stop thinking I know everything and that I can do this alone.

I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE.

So when I think I can I know I am in trouble and I need to reach out and let others in to help me. My best friend in the world MOCA reminded me of this yesterday. I am ready to try to let people in. I have been a prisoner of my own mind long enough.

NO MORE PAYING THE HIGH PRICE..
FOR LOW LIVING.

Peace and Blessings.

NAM

RESPONSIBLE FOR MY RECOVERY

Hello and God Bless You.

Today makes 1 week back. I have to admit that I am feeling fantastic. I haven’t been obsessed with thoughts of using, instead I have been obsessed with making a meeting and reading literature and reaching out to people.

I have been taking suggestions and monitoring my attitudes and behaviors. One suggestion that I took was changing my phone number. You see even though I have deleted all my connections from my phone they have not deleted my number and I have been getting calls from dealers and users alike. I talked about it at a meeting and it was suggested I change my phone number so I did. I know that it was the right thing to do so I did it.

It’s about change. I feel so good now too. It’s a fresh start. I am finally taking responsibility for my recovery.  Meetings are a must for me today. I am going to Chase my recovery just like I chased that next hit.

Any means necessary.

Peace and blessings

NAM

GUILT

August 1

Freedom from guilt

Our addiction enslaved us. We were prisoners of our own mind and were condemned by our own guilt.

Basic Text, p. 7

Hello and God Bless You.

I have been a prisoner of my addiction for a long time and as a direct result of this I also became a prisoner of the city and then of the state of NY. I have resentment, shame, guilt, embarrassment and a host of other feelings that have kept me enslaved for years.

I used to think (sometimes still do) that I wasn’t worthy of being happy or loved or deserving of a good life. My mind has a way of killing my dreams before they can become more than a thought. Then I believe the lies and use my past as proof that I truly am useless.

It’s been a long hard trail. Lots of UPS and DOWNS. More downs than ups and a shitload of guilt to go along with it. I did things that I am not proud of on my journey but felt it necessary at the time. I have regrets and I need to learn how to let go and move on.

GET OVER IT AND GET ON WITH IT..

I am in the process of changing my life and I have to give myself a break. Time to live life on lifes terms. One day at a time I will recover from the damage I have done to myself. As long as I continue on this road God will show me how to live. I truly believe that.

Peace and blessings

NAM