Hello and God Bless You
I went to a meeting this morning. It was a spiritual topic meeting and today’s topic was courage.
Courage is something that I lack. Honestly I am afraid to move on. I know all about false courage, courage under the influence of one substance or another but true courage escapes me.
They say it takes courage to come to meetings but I disagree. I think the real courage is to keep making meetings, to do what is right even when you want to do wrong, to keep coming back, to talk about that real gut level issue that you don’t want to share. To stay when you whole body screams RUN. That’s courage to me.
I am lacking the skills to survive in recovery. I thought I was a survivor. I can and have survived some real shit on the streets, but can’t maintain my clean time in recovery. Here’s the truth..I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT DRUGS. I can’t live with them and don’t seem to know what to do with myself without them. I am confused, scared, frustrated and just plain lost when it comes to this.
I am going to focus on becoming better equipped to survive in recovery. I am going to practice courage. I will start by sharing my true feelings in a meeting as I have here so I can get some help on this subject. I will practice asking for help before I use instead of after I come back. I will deny myself when those urges kick in and I will reach out for help. Humble myself. Put away those masks and that false courage and false pride.
I will become courageous in recovery. I will survive.
Peace and Blessings