Hello and God Bless You.

I went to a meeting this morning and it was a Anniversary. A member was celebrating 19 years clean. It was a real eye opener. One thing I heard that really stuck out was a member who shared and said ain’t nothing worse than using, not death, not losing your job nothing. And he also said that you never have to use again and won’t as long as you follow this way of living.

That has been a problem for me, following the NA way. I start off really well, doing the work, making meetings, sharing with others and after a while fall back into my normal laziness. I stop making meetings and well you know the rest.

I have to start putting recovery first and foremost. I have to stop with the excuses of why u haven’t made a meeting or won’t be able to make a meeting. I have to dump all the pain and misery and open myself up. Put down the fear and gain courage. I have to show up so I can grow up. I love my homegroup they truly are the best bunch of people in the world. Its my time, I can feel it.

This is my season of grace. God has a better plan for my life and its high time I step into it.


Hello and God Bless You

I went to a meeting this morning. It was a spiritual topic meeting and today’s topic was courage.

Courage is something that I lack. Honestly I am afraid to move on. I know all about false courage, courage under the influence of one substance or another but true courage escapes me.

They say it takes courage to come to meetings but I disagree. I think the real courage is to keep making meetings, to do what is right even when you want to do wrong, to keep coming back, to talk about that real gut level issue that you don’t want to share. To stay when you whole body screams RUN. That’s courage to me.

I am lacking the skills to survive in recovery. I thought I was a survivor. I can and have survived some real shit on the streets, but can’t maintain my clean time in recovery.  Here’s the truth..I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT DRUGS. I can’t live with them and don’t seem to know what to do with myself without them. I am confused, scared, frustrated and just plain lost when it comes to this.

I am going to focus on becoming better equipped to survive in recovery. I am going to practice courage. I will start by sharing my true feelings in a meeting as I have here so I can get some help on this subject. I will practice asking for help before I use instead of after I come back. I will deny myself when those urges kick in and I will reach out for help. Humble myself. Put away those masks and that false courage and false pride.

I will become courageous in recovery. I will survive.

Peace and Blessings