July 10, 2012
I often find myself asking myself this question.
Why am I having such a hard time stopping, and staying stopped?
Why do I have to be such an asshole?
Why is it that in the morning I am so gun-ho about quitting only to use again later that same day?
Why am I so weak?
Why?, why?, why?
I feel like I will never know the answers to these questions. I feel at times like a lost cause. Not worthy of friends, love or anything. I am depressed. I am sad. I am hurting inside. I want off this crazy ride and I know there’s a way out.
Why am I not taking it?
It’s easy to fall victim to the WHY ME. It’s hard not to feel helpless and hard not to feel the pity and shame that goes along with addiction. It’s also hard to break this negative pattern. But its not impossible. It’s not as hopeless as it seems. It’s not a lost cause. It’s all lies dealt to me by the devil aka addiction and I have been falling victim to my old attitudes and behaviors and that old negative voice. That voice that keeps me stuck in the rut.
I am tired of feeling helpless and hopeless. I’m tired of being on this pity potty. I am tired of mind fucking myself. I’m tired of spending my money before I get it. I’m tired of the lies..
I’m just tired.
But I am not alone. I will recover.