I have once again fucked myself into a jam. I have been using, off and on at first, then steady. I have gotten to the point where nothing else matters. The paranoia, the isolation, the lies all have returned as promised. I have been borrowing money to use and getting crack on credit. I have been neglecting paying my bills because there is not enough money on payday to pay bills and use so I have been choosing to use. My thinking is right back to where I was before I made an effort to stop using.

I know what needs to be done and have known since day one, but still have not made an effort to make a meeting or call anyone. I am still trying to do this alone and I know alone doesn’t work. I keep putting off for tomorrow what I know all too well I should be doing today. Procrastination is a major character defect of mines and because of this I suffer alone when I don’t have too. I have been working long hours and making nothing but excuses for why I have not made it back to the rooms.

I really and truly want to stop using but I don’t want to put in the work that it takes. I always start off doing good and then fall back into my lazy, procrastinator self and get comfortable and fall back to my old routines. The truth of the matter is I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LIVE CLEAN. I have used all my life and haven’t got a clue how to function long term without drugs. That’s sad but true. One day hopefully before its too late I will learn how to.

I might be down now but I am not out. I will never quit trying to get and stay clean. NEVER!

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