BASIC TRAINING

Hello and God Bless You.

I have been living a double life. Addiction has me living like Dr. Jykle and Mr. Hyde. I am truly sick and tired of living like this (If you can call this living). I admit once again that I am powerless over my addiction and my life has become once again unmanageable.

On one hand I want to stop using and I know what steps to take to make that a reality. On the other hand I don’t know how to live clean (I have used for over 36 years) and that keeps me returning to the familiar even though the familiar is killing me.

Fear of change, procrastination, dishonesty, lack of faith and inconsistency keep me stuck in the patterns of insanity. I have to stop lying to myself and putting off till tomorrow what I should be doing today and everyday..Making Meetings.

I know what needs to be done and it has to be done now. No more putting it off. Tomorrow is not promised so saying I will do it tomorrow has to become reality and not just words I say to make myself feel better. Time to get back to basic training afterall meeting makers make it. So time to start making meetings again. Time to be about it and not just talk about it.

Peace and Blessings.

NAM

ROCK BOTTOM AGAIN

I have once again fucked myself into a jam. I have been using, off and on at first, then steady. I have gotten to the point where nothing else matters. The paranoia, the isolation, the lies all have returned as promised. I have been borrowing money to use and getting crack on credit. I have been neglecting paying my bills because there is not enough money on payday to pay bills and use so I have been choosing to use. My thinking is right back to where I was before I made an effort to stop using.

I know what needs to be done and have known since day one, but still have not made an effort to make a meeting or call anyone. I am still trying to do this alone and I know alone doesn’t work. I keep putting off for tomorrow what I know all too well I should be doing today. Procrastination is a major character defect of mines and because of this I suffer alone when I don’t have too. I have been working long hours and making nothing but excuses for why I have not made it back to the rooms.

I really and truly want to stop using but I don’t want to put in the work that it takes. I always start off doing good and then fall back into my lazy, procrastinator self and get comfortable and fall back to my old routines. The truth of the matter is I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LIVE CLEAN. I have used all my life and haven’t got a clue how to function long term without drugs. That’s sad but true. One day hopefully before its too late I will learn how to.

I might be down now but I am not out. I will never quit trying to get and stay clean. NEVER!

WHY

July 10, 2012

WHY

I often find myself asking myself this question.

Why am I having such a hard time stopping, and staying stopped?
Why do I have to be such an asshole?
Why is it that in the morning I am so gun-ho about quitting only to use again later that same day?
Why am I so weak?
Why me?
Why?, why?, why?

I feel like I will never know the answers to these questions. I feel at times like a lost cause. Not worthy of friends, love or anything. I am depressed. I am sad. I am hurting inside. I want off this crazy ride and I know there’s a way out.
Why am I not taking it?

It’s easy to fall victim to the WHY ME. It’s hard not to feel helpless and hard not to feel the pity and shame that goes along with addiction. It’s also hard to break this negative pattern. But its not impossible. It’s not as hopeless as it seems. It’s not a lost cause. It’s all lies dealt to me by the devil aka addiction and I have been falling victim to my old attitudes and behaviors and that old negative voice. That voice that keeps me stuck in the rut.

I am tired of feeling helpless and  hopeless. I’m tired of being on this pity potty. I am tired of mind fucking myself. I’m tired of spending my money before I get it. I’m tired of the lies..

I’m just tired. 

But I am not alone. I will recover.