FREEDOM

Narcotics Anonymous offers only one promise and that is freedom from active addiction, the solution that eluded us for so long.
Basic Text, p. 106

Just for today:

I have been given a spiritual gift greater than material wealth: my recovery. I will thank the God of my understanding for my freedom from active addiction.

Hello and God Bless You

Today I woke up and thanked God for guiding my steps, thoughts, attitudes and behaviors. I am truly beginning to feel that there is hope for me from active addiction. I shared yesterday that I don’t know how to stay clean but I do know one thing, I have to keep making meetings in order for this feeling of hope to grow. I am on my way to a meeting now. Day 3 has begun.

The meeting was great. Beginners meeting topic hope, fear and faith. I got to share again getting out what needs to be said about my fears and my hope. I also for the first time actually opened up and spoke to members after the meeting which is rare. It felt good to do that. I am finally showing the courage needed and starting to reach out. Thank you God for giving me another chance.

It’s a new day.

I’m tired of paying the HIGH PRICE FOR LOW LIVING.

Peace and blessings

NAM

PERSONAL INVENTORY

Continuing to take a personal inventory means that we form a habit of looking at ourselves, our actions, attitudes, and relationships on a regular basis.
Basic Text, p. 42

Just for today:

I will make a commitment to include a regular inventory in my new pattern of living.

Hello and God Bless You.

I am truly grateful to have made it back from a relapse. I know that many people do not make it back. May those we lost to addiction Rest In Peace.

I am starting over. This time I will be more vigilant than ever before. I have to learn how to break the chains of addiction and stop dragging myself down into that old familiar pit of destruction.

I will adopt a new habit. The habit of monitoring my attitudes and behaviors. The habit of not only taking a personal inventory daily but of actually doing something about the negative attitudes and behaviors once I recognize them. I am aware of my negatives but I do nothing to correct them and that keeps me stuck making the same mistakes over and over again.

NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES!

I expressed my loneliness and how I’m scared and don’t know how to live without drugs in a meeting this morning and will continue to talk about and expose what I find when I examine myself. I will stop criticising others and myself and work on being a part of the solution, instead of always being the problem.

I have a lot of work to do but I am willing to do the work.

Peace and blessings.

NAM

FOLLOW THIS WAY.

Hello and God Bless You.

I went to a meeting this morning and it was a Anniversary. A member was celebrating 19 years clean. It was a real eye opener. One thing I heard that really stuck out was a member who shared and said ain’t nothing worse than using, not death, not losing your job nothing. And he also said that you never have to use again and won’t as long as you follow this way of living.

That has been a problem for me, following the NA way. I start off really well, doing the work, making meetings, sharing with others and after a while fall back into my normal laziness. I stop making meetings and well you know the rest.

I have to start putting recovery first and foremost. I have to stop with the excuses of why u haven’t made a meeting or won’t be able to make a meeting. I have to dump all the pain and misery and open myself up. Put down the fear and gain courage. I have to show up so I can grow up. I love my homegroup they truly are the best bunch of people in the world. Its my time, I can feel it.

This is my season of grace. God has a better plan for my life and its high time I step into it.

COURAGE

Hello and God Bless You

I went to a meeting this morning. It was a spiritual topic meeting and today’s topic was courage.

Courage is something that I lack. Honestly I am afraid to move on. I know all about false courage, courage under the influence of one substance or another but true courage escapes me.

They say it takes courage to come to meetings but I disagree. I think the real courage is to keep making meetings, to do what is right even when you want to do wrong, to keep coming back, to talk about that real gut level issue that you don’t want to share. To stay when you whole body screams RUN. That’s courage to me.

I am lacking the skills to survive in recovery. I thought I was a survivor. I can and have survived some real shit on the streets, but can’t maintain my clean time in recovery.  Here’s the truth..I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT DRUGS. I can’t live with them and don’t seem to know what to do with myself without them. I am confused, scared, frustrated and just plain lost when it comes to this.

I am going to focus on becoming better equipped to survive in recovery. I am going to practice courage. I will start by sharing my true feelings in a meeting as I have here so I can get some help on this subject. I will practice asking for help before I use instead of after I come back. I will deny myself when those urges kick in and I will reach out for help. Humble myself. Put away those masks and that false courage and false pride.

I will become courageous in recovery. I will survive.

Peace and Blessings

NAM.

A FRESH START…AGAIN

Hello and God Bless You.

Well I finally got off my lazy behind, got past the pity party and made a meeting. It’s about time right. I know, I know. Truth is I should have done this long ago, but I didn’t. I am glad I did though because I feel a million times better. That glimmer of hope I spoke about yesterday is glowing a bit brighter today. THANK YOU GOD. FOR I AM TRULY GRATEFUL.

Today was a great day, my attitude has done a complete turn around and I am looking forward to making a meeting again tomorrow. I know not to get to far ahead of myself but I have to share my good feelings with you. I will take it one day at a time, live in the moment and try extra hard to stay out of my own way.

I will keep you posted on my progress. It’s a fresh start again and I will make the best of this opportunity.

Peace and blessings.

NAM

DO OR DIE

Hello and God Bless You.

I have nothing left to say. I have made excuse after excuse, procrastinated, stalled and any other word you can think of to describe my lack of getting back to the rooms. All the while my life continues to spiral out of control.

I am suffering physically, mentally and have become spiritually bankrupt. I have nothing left to do but continue on this journey to hell or seek the help, support and unconditional love I know exist in the fellowship.

My thoughts are to just give up, quit trying and use until I die. Afterall I can’t get it right so why bother. My thoughts tell me all kinds of things most of them negative and I am so used to being a screw up that I begin to believe those thoughts. Then on the other hand some positive thoughts pop in my head and I get a glimmer of hope, I begin to think that I can do this, I can change, I can become a productive member of society.

But lately those thoughts are few and far apart.

Today is one of those days I have a glimmer sparking in my mind and this time I am going to take advantage of it. Act on it. Get off my lazy behind and do something about it. I am starting to feel like my time is running out. If I don’t change this soon I will give up and be lost forever.

I thinks its time to put up or shut up.

So I ask myself this question:
Am I ready to

Do or Die.

BASIC TRAINING

Hello and God Bless You.

I have been living a double life. Addiction has me living like Dr. Jykle and Mr. Hyde. I am truly sick and tired of living like this (If you can call this living). I admit once again that I am powerless over my addiction and my life has become once again unmanageable.

On one hand I want to stop using and I know what steps to take to make that a reality. On the other hand I don’t know how to live clean (I have used for over 36 years) and that keeps me returning to the familiar even though the familiar is killing me.

Fear of change, procrastination, dishonesty, lack of faith and inconsistency keep me stuck in the patterns of insanity. I have to stop lying to myself and putting off till tomorrow what I should be doing today and everyday..Making Meetings.

I know what needs to be done and it has to be done now. No more putting it off. Tomorrow is not promised so saying I will do it tomorrow has to become reality and not just words I say to make myself feel better. Time to get back to basic training afterall meeting makers make it. So time to start making meetings again. Time to be about it and not just talk about it.

Peace and Blessings.

NAM

ROCK BOTTOM AGAIN

I have once again fucked myself into a jam. I have been using, off and on at first, then steady. I have gotten to the point where nothing else matters. The paranoia, the isolation, the lies all have returned as promised. I have been borrowing money to use and getting crack on credit. I have been neglecting paying my bills because there is not enough money on payday to pay bills and use so I have been choosing to use. My thinking is right back to where I was before I made an effort to stop using.

I know what needs to be done and have known since day one, but still have not made an effort to make a meeting or call anyone. I am still trying to do this alone and I know alone doesn’t work. I keep putting off for tomorrow what I know all too well I should be doing today. Procrastination is a major character defect of mines and because of this I suffer alone when I don’t have too. I have been working long hours and making nothing but excuses for why I have not made it back to the rooms.

I really and truly want to stop using but I don’t want to put in the work that it takes. I always start off doing good and then fall back into my lazy, procrastinator self and get comfortable and fall back to my old routines. The truth of the matter is I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LIVE CLEAN. I have used all my life and haven’t got a clue how to function long term without drugs. That’s sad but true. One day hopefully before its too late I will learn how to.

I might be down now but I am not out. I will never quit trying to get and stay clean. NEVER!

WHY

July 10, 2012

WHY

I often find myself asking myself this question.

Why am I having such a hard time stopping, and staying stopped?
Why do I have to be such an asshole?
Why is it that in the morning I am so gun-ho about quitting only to use again later that same day?
Why am I so weak?
Why me?
Why?, why?, why?

I feel like I will never know the answers to these questions. I feel at times like a lost cause. Not worthy of friends, love or anything. I am depressed. I am sad. I am hurting inside. I want off this crazy ride and I know there’s a way out.
Why am I not taking it?

It’s easy to fall victim to the WHY ME. It’s hard not to feel helpless and hard not to feel the pity and shame that goes along with addiction. It’s also hard to break this negative pattern. But its not impossible. It’s not as hopeless as it seems. It’s not a lost cause. It’s all lies dealt to me by the devil aka addiction and I have been falling victim to my old attitudes and behaviors and that old negative voice. That voice that keeps me stuck in the rut.

I am tired of feeling helpless and  hopeless. I’m tired of being on this pity potty. I am tired of mind fucking myself. I’m tired of spending my money before I get it. I’m tired of the lies..

I’m just tired. 

But I am not alone. I will recover.