Hello and God Bless You.
I hope today you are doing well. I wish I could say that I was but I would be lying. I am not doing well and I am only getting worse. Once again I find myself caught up in the grips of addiction. Once again I have been lying to myself and others trying to keep my relapse a secret and trying to control my addiction and once again I have found out the hard way that I cannot control my usage. Once again my fucking life has become unmanageable.
I opened the door and have developed an unquenchable thirst. I am spiraling out of control and seem to be unable to stop. The roller coaster ride is killing me inside and I find myself wishing it would finish the job outside as well. I am so disappointed in myself and the depression is becoming unbearable. I have not been honest about my recovery for quite some time and now my monster has grown and is taking over.
I am beginning to feel like I will never be able to stop using and truthfully I am ready to stop trying. I don’t get it. I’ve used for so long that it has become second nature. I am weak and feel like I will always be a slave to my addiction. Deep down I want to stop but I have developed a dual personality and there is a part of me that doesn’t want to stop. That part of me seems to always win eventually.
I was so concerned with how others would think of me instead of being more concerned with what I think of me. It’s pathetic ain’t it. My dishonesty has once again led to my destruction. I need help.
I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP.