FEAR OF CHANGE

Many of us cling to our fears, doubts, self-loathing, or hatred because there is a certain distorted security in familiar pain. It seems safer to embrace what we know than to let go of it for the unknown.
Basic Text,

Just for today:

I will release the old, embrace the new, and grow.

Hello and God Bless You.

When I read this Just For Today I couldn’t help but say WOW. I related to it like never before. It struck a cord that rang true in my life for a very long time. I still fear doing new things and the old familiar pain sometimes is more comfortable than the new uncertainty of change. Crazy ain’t it. I don’t know about you but when I say it, it just sounds crazy.

But as crazy as it sounds that’s my life. I cannot speak for anyone else my life is crazy at times and my thinking is the reason for the insanity.
I have trouble with processing my thoughts at times and its scary. I know right from wrong and there are times that wrong just seems so right and I talk myself right into doing it.

Tonight is different tonight I had a urge sneak up on me, a very strong persistent urge but I was able to fight it off. I have to continue to deny these urges. I am proud of myself for winning this round. I know the urges will continue to haunt me but if I can hold them off I know they will soon become less urgent and I will be able to think of other things.

I am fighting for change. It’s not easy but I am taking it a minute at a time like I’ve been taught and its working. Thank God for the knowledge I have gained in the rooms. Slow and steady and I can and will make change become a reality.

Peace and blessings

NAM

THE STRUGGLE CONTINUES

Hello and God Bless You.

I will start off by saying. Damn. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I seem to be punishing myself and its really pathetic. I know what I need to do and keep putting it off as if by some magical way things are going to change without me actually putting in the work necessary for change to happen.

I am a procrastinator to the fullest extent. I keep saying tomorrow will be different and its not. I know what needs to be done. I will be all gun ho for a couple of days and then slip right back. I cannot get past that 3rd day. I have to stop deceiving myself and stop worrying about what others will think about me when I come back and say I have 1 day back. I always care more about what other people think about me more than what I think about me so I continue to suffer and be miserable.

I hate my life right now. I am struggling and its not necessary. I am making this a lot harder than it has to be. You would think that I like living this way because I keep doing the same things expecting different results. I know what needs to be done and I need to stop BSing and do it.

I really want to change and find a better way. I have to replace this tired old habit with new ones. It’s crazy but I really have no idea how to live different. I want to learn how to live. I want to learn how to ask for help. I want to change.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

Peace and blessings

NAM

GET BACK IN THE ROOMS

Hello and God Bless You

Well its been a week since I let you all know that I have relapsed and was having a difficult time staying clean. The struggle continues but it is getting better. I know what is missing and I will get myself back into the rooms. I have disconnected myself from my network and that was a major mistake. I put work and other things in front of my recovery and I am paying for it.

I have to get back to the basics and back with my recovery family. I am grateful to all those who have shown me love, sent prayers and gave me support.

I know that God is guiding me and I need to start paying more attention to his voice in my head when I hear it. I have to start to live his will for my life and not my own self destructive will. It’s high time that I change those old patterns or I am going to die a addict. I don’t want that.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Peace and blessings

NAM

THE SOLUTION

Thought for the Day:

Problems will be thrown before you so that your attention is on anything and everything else but God. There are times that the clouds of the problems you face will try to block out the light of God. No matter how dark your day may seem, know that His light is never gone. From where you are now, God may seem like only a small light at the end of a very long tunnel. Be strong and dont let your problems overcome you! If you keep focused on Him and moving one step at a time towards His light, you will break through those clouds. Resolve today that you will win this battle. I hope you have a spectacular day today my friends!

My enemies will retreat when I call to you for help. This I know: God is on my side! (Psalm 56:9 NIV)

BELIEVING IN MYSELF

Just for today, I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.
Basic Text, p. 100

Just for today:

I will find someone who believes in me. I will believe in them.

Hello and God Bless You

We all need someone who believes in us, especially when we cant believe in ourselves. When we relapse, we undermine our already shattered self-confidence, sometimes so badly that we begin to feel utterly hopeless.

The above statement is so true. I have a past that haunts me and am having trouble believing I can do this. At times those negative thoughts become so strong that I start to not only believe them but begin to act on them. It has been my track record in the past and unfortunately it has once again become my reality.

The problem is staying consistent and not allowing my feelings to dictate my actions. Every fall is a learning experience and I have learned some very valuable lessons in this past year. I know that I need to stay connected to my recovery roots, I have to stop putting every and anything in front of my sobriety. I have to be honest with myself and stop thinking, plotting and scheming and trying to find short cuts. Fake it till you make it does not work for me, I have been faking all my life. I have to reach out to people when I am in trouble.

I know all these things but I have not applied them and it has cost me again. I am not beating myself up because that is useless. I am reinforcing what I know and will start living it. I have a lot of people who believe in me and its time to start believing in myself. No more excuses.

Peace and blessings

NAM

BACK ON THE HORSE

Hello and God Bless You.

Today there was a battle going on inside my head all day. One one side the Good thoughts and on the other side the Bad thoughts. All day long they were going at it, battling each other for the right to claim what I will do later. Well I am glad to report that the Good side won. Round 1 goes to staying clean.

I have been here before. After a relapse is the hardest struggle ever. It’s a constant battle going on. The noise inside my head can be deafening at times. It’s hard to concentrate and anger and frustration usually show there ugly heads too. Today was no different but I kept my thoughts on not being a victim and on what I really want. To live a semi normal life. It worked. I almost fell victim to my addiction but with Gods help I got past it.

I will remember to live my race at my pace. One day, hour or minute at a time. I will not let anyones opinion of me become more important than my own opinions of me. I will remember to live Gods will and not my own. I know how to be a screw up now its time to put on my big boy pants and grow the fuck up. Stop making excuses and become a man.

Back to the basics.

Peace and Blessings

NAM

I’VE FALLEN AND CAN’T GET UP

Hello and God Bless You.

I hope today you are doing well. I wish I could say that I was but I would be lying. I am not doing well and I am only getting worse. Once again I find myself caught up in the grips of addiction. Once again I have been lying to myself and others trying to keep my relapse a secret and trying to control my addiction and once again I have found out the hard way that I cannot control my usage. Once again my fucking life has become unmanageable.

I opened the door and have developed an unquenchable thirst. I am spiraling out of control and seem to be unable to stop. The roller coaster ride is killing me inside and I find myself wishing it would finish the job outside as well. I am so disappointed in myself and the depression is becoming unbearable. I have not been honest about my recovery for quite some time and now my monster has grown and is taking over.

I am beginning to feel like I will never be able to stop using and truthfully I am ready to stop trying. I don’t get it. I’ve used for so long that it has become second nature. I am weak and feel like I will always be a slave to my addiction. Deep down I want to stop but I have developed a dual personality and there is a part of me that doesn’t want to stop. That part of me seems to always win eventually.

I was so concerned with how others would think of me instead of being more concerned with what I think of me. It’s pathetic ain’t it. My dishonesty has once again led to my destruction. I need help.
I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP.

SMH

NAM