135 DAYS CLEAN
Hello and God Bless You.
Todays post is going to be a bit different than my normal. I usually write something as it pertains to the Just For Today. Today I am going to write about something that I am going through lately.
As you already know I am a recovering addict. I am usually upbeat and have been feeling pretty good about recovery and my life in general. Lately I have been feeling a little depressed and worrisome. I have a problem with a couple of things. First dealing with self-will. Second dealing with letting go of the things I cannot control.
Lately I have been feeling like I am wasting my time in recovery. I have been slipping back into old patterns and behaviors that I know are not healthy for me. I have been frustrated and acting out in negative ways. I HAVE NOT USED. I feel like I should say that up front but my actions and inactions of late have not been of a person who is grateful to be living a new life.
I know that its my addiction and its moving in on me in my moment if vulnerability. I have to share about it because its happening but its not sitting right with me. I have been very grumpy, depressed, angry, tired and loneliness is also a major problem. I have been lying and skipping meetings. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy. Just like when I was using.
I am still trying to control situations and circumstances that I have no control over. I have been worrying about bills and money. I am making mountains out of molehills and I cannot seem to give it up to God and not take it back. I keep taking it back and its starting to affect my thinking, attitudes and behaviors. I haven’t been using the suggestions that I know all too well. I know this pattern and I have to stop it before its too late.
So I am sharing this so you all know and can give me some insight. Perhaps one of you reading this have been here too. What I need is help. I have a hard time asking for help and it has been a downfall in the past. I don’t want it to continue to be a downfall now or in my future. How do I let go and not take it back. How do I continue to live Gods will and not mines.
I am a new comer in recovery and I am not used to dealing with things positively. I am trying to turn my life around and not fall back into the old patterns of dealing with life. It’s hard I usually give up when things get hard. I don’t want to be a quitter anymore. Im praying for some relief
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.