RELEASING MY RESENTMENTS

5 MONTHS 7 DAYS

We want to look our past in the face, see it for what it really was, and release it so we can live today.
Basic Text, p. 29

Just for today:

When I discover a resentment, Ill see it for what it is and let it go.

Hello welcome to The Struggle.

Resentment is a main cause for relapse in my life. Constantly revisiting the past hurts, pains and holding on to past grudges has caused more harm than I could ever imagine. Coming into recovery I didn’t understand what resentment was and sometimes to this day I still don’t fully understand all the aspects and multi layers of resentment. I do know that it is unhealthy. The longer I stay in touch with my life in recovery, the more I uncover.

I am slowly forgiving others but mainly myself because the more I look at my past the more I realize most of the resentments I hold against others was really not their fault it was my own. I have been blaming others for the majority of my life and I am starting to take responsibility for my actions and it is helping me to clear up all the confusion and release the misguided resentment.

I am learning so many things about my disease and my life that I feel like a child again sometimes. It a new beginning and I am glad its about progress and not perfection and that its a process and not a race. I am learning and changing at my own pace. Today I don’t feel pressured to keep up with The Jones’s. It is such a relief to be able to live and not try to impress everyone all the Damn time. (Although I do still struggle with it at times. I still have a need to be liked.) But I am working to release my resentments and keep my ego in check. Progress not perfection.

Thanks for reading Today’s blog post. God bless you NAM

MY REALITY HAS CHANGED

5 MONTHS 5 DAYS CLEAN

Recovery is a reality for us today.
Basic Text, p. 101

Just for today:

A gift of my recovery is living and enjoying life as it truly is. Today, I will embrace reality.

Hello and God Bless You

Today is going to be a great day.

I start my day by saying this to myself and to my friends everyday. I am living a new life today and I am no longer ashamed of my past. I do not allow the past to haunt me and control or dictate my actions today. I am living in the now. I no longer live on fantasy island.

In the past I live a false image filled life. I always thought of myself as THE GREAT I AM. Bigger than life and better than everyone else. I was the King of my own world. Boy was I ever living on fantasy island. As my addiction got worse I began to shrink and before long I lived like a hermit. I was in denial of how bad my life really was. I couldn’t face the reality of what my life turn into. I was a crackhead. I fought tooth and nail trying to keep my secret, but in the end it didn’t matter any more. I was at my worse and I didn’t care anymore.

My reality was jails, institutions, degradation, homelessness, drug programs, hospitals and so on and so on. I could continue but you get the picture.

Today my reality is totally the opposite. Good job, friends, happiness, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, support networks, that’s right NETWORKS with a S. I realize you can never have too much support so the more the better. I am grateful today to NA. Because of the fellowship my life has change for the better and I made it to the rooms by the grace of God. My life has been anything but good yesterday, bit its all good today. God’s guidance, and unconditional love has helped me turn my life around and I thank God continuously on a daily basis.

I went from USELESS TO USEFUL.

I owe my reality to God, my network, my program and my footwork.

Thank you for letting me share my world with you.

Peace and Blessings

NAM

CAN’T HALF CHANGE

5 MONTHS CLEAN

Hello and God Bless You

I have been so consumed with work lately that I have been neglecting other areas of my life that I really need to be paying more attention too. My blog is one of them. Making meetings is another.

I was thinking the other day about character defects and how many of them I seem to have. Lol. I came to the conclusion that I have to make a complete overhaul of my life. I knew that I would have to change the way I was living. I really didn’t understand the full scope of the word change.

I am starting to realize that I can’t just change certain things and leave other things the way they are. I am beginning to see how all my attitudes and behaviors are all tied into each other and how they all connect. I cannot stop using and continue to associate with people who do. (Family members basically) I have always been good at giving others comfort and advice but bad at applying to my own life. I am struggling with following my own advice about letting go. Still. And I have been falling behind on my meetings and stepwork.

I am starting to get the feeling that I am not going to be able to maintain my new life. The more clean time I accumulate the more I fear that I am not going to be able to do this. I know that fear is one of my downfalls and I am not trying to let it stop me from growing but it does and is on my mind. I have allowed fear of success stop me in my tracks many times in the past. It is a defect I wish to rid myself of. I pray that I do not let this get in the way of my succeeding in recovery and life in general. I am so tired of being a failure but I still struggle at times with low self esteem and feeling not worthy. I know they are feelings and they will pass but I also know that I have to continue to tell on my disease and expose my fears. I am honest about what I go through and will continue to post how and what I feel.

That’s what I am dealing with lately but even though I feel this way I am not using. So I know that something has changed in me.

God is great

Thank you for reading my blog and for being a part of my world.

Feel free to post your comments, thoughts or concerns.

Peace and Blessings to you all

NAM

LOSE WHAT U CHOOSE NOT TO USE

144 DAYS CLEAN

 “We must use what we learn or we will lose it, no matter how long we have been clean.”
Basic Text, p. 85

 Just for Today:

 I can’t afford to be too busy to recover I will do something today that sustains my recovery.

 Hello and God Bless You.

 You know looking at today’s Just for Today I am reminded of how important it is for me to continue to be vigilant when it come to my recovery. I was just saying to myself that I need to make a meeting and POW the just for today tells me the same thing. I know that’s my higher power working behind the scenes to make sure that I understand that I need to get my ass back to my home group and make meetings. I have been getting caught up in work and trying to fix problems in my personal life lately and have been skipping my meetings. I know first hand that this is not good.

 I can remember not too long ago getting so caught up in my job and personal life and not making meetings, before I knew it a month had gone by and I hadn’t made a single meeting. Well needless to say my resolve was worn down a little thin and before i knew what hit me I was listening to those negative voices in my head and I was off to the damn races again. I say again because this is not the first time it has happened. Now that I know the signs I can better understand and identify my lapses in my daily routine and my triggers. I am ever so grateful to be a part of the fellowship because it has saved my life.

 I need to keep this up front and stop putting other things that pop up in my life ahead of my recovery. It is only a short distance to the next drink and after that the next hit. I have to monitor myself because I suffer from CRS Can’t Remember Shit syndrome. I am always online and talking with my network of new friends in recovery but face to face meetings are a must for me as well. I do not wish to revert back to my old habits and behaviors. If I do not put my recovery first I will be back if I am lucky enough to make it back saying I have 1 day clean. I been there it is time to make new routines and not continue the same old ones.

 Today I am grateful to have God of my understanding in my life. I am renewing my faith that I abandoned while in my active addiction. I know today that I am responsible for my recovery and no one else. I have blamed everyone and everything for my past failures never taking responsibility. Today is different. I have a new set of principals and I live by a new code. Not the old street code that has landed me in more hot water than I care to remember let alone live again. I will continue to do my best to maintain what I have. I will make more meetings and stop making excuses for why I cannot go to a meeting. Work will be there after the meeting but If I relapse work is suspect..

 IF I SNOOZE THEN I WILL LOSE WHAT I CHOOSE NOT TO USE. THEN I WILL HAVE THE BLUES.

 Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

 Please feel free to join my blog, leave a comment or check out some of the useful links on the sidebar.

 I appreciate all of the support.

Love you all.

Peace and Blessings

NAM

 

DANCING IN THE RAIN

142 DAYS CLEAN

Hello and God Bless You.

As you have probably noticed I cut my blog back to once a week instead of everyday. I have to start implementing some balance in my life. With my work schedule being so erratic it was becoming very hard to also write my blog and do all the other things so I chose to make my blog a weekly post for the time being.

As much as I love to share my thoughts and feelings with you all it does pain me to have to cut back but this is only a temporary situation and I will be back posting daily soon.

With that being said

I have been suffering from a case of negative thinking patterns again. I know that sometimes it can sound like crying wolf but for those of you who know how addiction works this is a battle for my life and the old negative thoughts will never completely go away. Also if you know anything about addiction you know that I am only as sick as my secrets and exposure helps defeat thy monster. Now this doesn’t happen all the time but it does pop its ugly head up in some of the strangest and most serious of times in my life. For instance I was feeling a bit low the other day and the I CAN’T tried to invade. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t continue living like this, I can’t make this new position work, I cant make a meeting today. Well you get the picture.

Of course I know that this is just my addiction checking in to see if I have a weak spot in my recovery as it will do from time to time because it not only wants me back but it wants me DEAD. I have learned so much in recovery that I am aware of this today. There was a time when I used to believe all the negative thoughts and I would be out there all fucked up right now. I lived that lie for too many years..NOT TODAY. I have a tool box full useful techniques and people who are wise beyond their years in my corner who help me.
(THAT’S RIGHT I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU)

Also I was on Facebook the other day and my friend Regina H mentioned a book which I haven’t read in a while so I decided to read it again The Power of Positive Living by Norman Vincent Peale. It has helped to remind me that I am going to live what I think. If I think that I can’t do something and keep telling myself that I can’t then guess what. I can’t. It also reminded me that I have to replace the negative thoughts with a counter thought a positive thought to out weigh the negative one. Once I do that then I have to keep reinforcing it or the negative thought will haunt me and pop back up.
(This is so true because it happens to me from time to time)
I am grateful that I use what I choose not to loose.

One of my favorite phrases is
PROPER PLANNING PREVENTS POOR PERFORMANCE.
It is just a little something that I keep saying to myself and it helps me in times when I am in my feelings.
I know that this is a lifelong fight. I accept the challenge gracefully. I have a higher power that I choose to call GOD. I pray and pray some more. I am not gonna sit here and have you thinking that I got it all together and life in recovery is so freaking easy because it is not. It may seem that way at times because I try to remain upbeat.

IT IS NOT ALWAYS SUNNY BUT I AM LEARNING TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to leave a comment below to let me know you were here.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

REACHING OUT FOR HELP

135 DAYS CLEAN

Hello and God Bless You.

Todays post is going to be a bit different than my normal. I usually write something as it pertains to the Just For Today. Today I am going to write about something that I am going through lately.

As you already know I am a recovering addict. I am usually upbeat and have been feeling pretty good about recovery and my life in general. Lately I have been feeling a little depressed and worrisome. I have a problem with a couple of things. First dealing with self-will. Second dealing with letting go of the things I cannot control.

Lately I have been feeling like I am wasting my time in recovery. I have been slipping back into old patterns and behaviors that I know are not healthy for me. I have been frustrated and acting out in negative ways. I HAVE NOT USED. I feel like I should say that up front but my actions and inactions of late have not been of a person who is grateful to be living a new life.

I know that its my addiction and its moving in on me in my moment if vulnerability. I have to share about it because its happening but its not sitting right with me. I have been very grumpy, depressed, angry, tired and loneliness is also a major problem. I have been lying and skipping meetings. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy. Just like when I was using.

I am still trying to control situations and circumstances that I have no control over. I have been worrying about bills and money. I am making mountains out of molehills and I cannot seem to give it up to God and not take it back. I keep taking it back and its starting to affect my thinking, attitudes and behaviors. I haven’t been using the suggestions that I know all too well. I know this pattern and I have to stop it before its too late.

So I am sharing this so you all know and can give me some insight. Perhaps one of you reading this have been here too. What I need is help. I have a hard time asking for help and it has been a downfall in the past. I don’t want it to continue to be a downfall now or in my future. How do I let go and not take it back. How do I continue to live Gods will and not mines.

I am a new comer in recovery and I am not used to dealing with things positively. I am trying to turn my life around and not fall back into the old patterns of dealing with life. It’s hard I usually give up when things get hard. I don’t want to be a quitter anymore. Im praying for some relief

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.