109 DAYS CLEAN
As a result of the Twelve Steps, Im not able to hold on to old ways of deceiving myself.
Just for today:
I cannot work the steps and also continue deceiving myself. I will examine my thinking for rationalizations, reveal them to my sponsor, and be rid of them.
Hello and God Bless You.
When I read the Just For Today I couldn’t help but think about the way I had been living my life in addiction. All the lies, all the justifying and rationalizations. All the bullshit I used to feed myself. Now that I am clean I can see the insanity but when I was using I didn’t see anything wrong. I didn’t know what I know now.
As I sit back and think about the here and now. I can see where I went wrong coming into recovery last year.First of all I wasn’t honest with myself and as a result I couldn’t be honest with others. I was half stepping in my recovery and didn’t even realize that my addiction was still alive and kicking even though I was not using and eventually I did start using as a result of my dishonesty.
I have been deceiving myself for many years and although I thought that I was really working the program in reality I hadn’t even scratched the surface. I knew that I was powerless over my addiction but I wasn’t truthful about surrendering and kept quiet about my feelings that I could control my usage. When I made the decision to get high again I rationalized why it was ok to myself and made excuses to everyone else. I had an answer for everything and all of it was bullshit. It was me justifying my actions and trying to manipulate everyone. Same attitudes and behaviors as when I was lost in addiction. I wasn’t treating my recovery as if my life depended on it. I treated it like I did everything else in my life. I just didn’t care.
I know this now because I have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. My higher power as I understand him. I have been doing step work and my step work has helped me to see so many things from a different perspective. I am grateful today and I practice living gratefully. I am by no means where I want to be. But by the grace of God and the writing that I have done so far I am not where I used to be. I see major change in the 14 months that I have been attending NA meetings. I am fighting and winning the battle of letting go of my old ways. I check myself and correct myself daily. It’s truly amazing. I’ve never felt better about myself.
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Peace and Blessings