I CAN’T..BUT WE CAN

128 DAYS CLEAN

From the isolation of our addiction, we find a fellowship of people with a common bond… Our faith, strength, and hope come from people sharing their recovery…
Basic Text, p. 98

Just for today:

I will join in the bond of recovery. I will find the experience, strength, and hope I need in the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous.

Hello and God Bless You.

It’s funny how the Just for Today seems to fit so well with how I am feeling sometimes. I always find the hope and strength to put my thoughts and feelings to paper when I make the necessary connections thanks in part to the Just for Today and of course my HP God.

It took me a very long time to finally surrender. To finally admit that I was indeed powerless over my addiction and over other people and situations and thoughts that others have of me and that my life was totally unmanageable. I was so deep in denial that I didn’t even realize that I was still lying to myself. Forget about lying to others that was small potatoes compared to believing all that bullshit I was feeding myself. That same denial kept me sick for years and the lies just kept growing. If I couldn’t admit anything to myself you know I couldn’t and wouldn’t admit it to anyone else.

Once I was finally able to admit it to myself I was still in denial with others. Isolation was my only way of surviving. I had to protect my secrets at all cost. It was a very sad and lonely existence. I suffered trying to keep my secrets hidden and became sicker and sicker by the day. Stuffing my true feelings of pain, heartache, loneliness, sadness, guilt, shame, embarrassment, uselessness, worthlessness and all the other feelings made me very angry and not being capable of talking about it was helping to seal my coffin. I was a dead man walking. It was only a matter of time before I would have pulled the trigger and ended it all.

God  knew that I was ready to give up and that I was coming to the end of my rope and had a different plan for me. I am grateful beyond words for his devine intervention. God led me to the rooms. I wasn’t open and honest at first because of fear but as time went on and I became willing to change I am finally beginning to feel some relief. I feel the love in the rooms and with my online family that I so desperately have been seeking. That love that has been missing for so long. I am finally a part of something. I will do what is necessary to maintain my recovery and these feelings. I have found common ground in the fellowship of NA and I am forever grateful.

I KNOW THAT WHAT I CAN’T DO ALONE WE CAN DO TOGETHER.

TODAY I AM NOT ALONE!

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

SHARING

122 DAYS CLEAN

A simple, honest message of recovery from addiction rings true..
Basic Text, p. 51

Just for today:

I have something valuable to share. I will attend a meeting today and share my experience in recovery from addiction.

Hello and God Bless You

Sharing my experience, strength and hope come easy to me today only because I have learned to share with honesty and sincerity. I have also learned that by sharing my experiences, my thoughts and my feelings in a meeting or here on my blog I am not only helping myself but I am also helping others.

Funny how things can change. I remember all to well how I first felt when I came into recovery. I remember being scared and lonely. I remember saying to myself how I would never share because no one wants to hear what I have to say. I felt like nobody wants to hear about my sad story, my misery, my pain. I just knew that I was different and no one would understand what I had been through. I have never been so wrong. In fact it turns out to be just the opposite. I came to realize that people did understand and relate and I began to see that I really wasn’t alone. I found my flock. Lol

The more I attend meetings, the more I share and listen to others share the more I make connections and see similarities. That makes sharing so much more easier to do. Now it seems you can’t get me to shut up. Lol. I am not afraid anymore. I love sharing what going on in my life. Whether its good or bad it must be shared. If its bad and I hold on to it resentment and anger can cause me to be at high risk for relapse. If its good I release it to give hope and inspiration to others. It’s a win win situation.

I am thankful to God for guiding me to NA not only to save my own life but to be there for others. I finally found somewhere that I belong. I know that I cannot keep it unless I give it away and since it was and continues to be given to me so freely why wouldn’t I return it the same way. I remember being told by my sponsor that I am only as sick as my secrets. Well I am tired of being sick so I am ridding myself of my secrets. It’s a process and I know it doesn’t happen overnight. But I am willing and I am making the effort.

At the end of the day it feels good knowing that I shared myself with someone and might have made a difference.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

TELLING ON MY DISEASE

118 DAYS CLEAN

The get-togethers after our meetings are good opportunities to share things that we didnt get to discuss during the meeting.
Basic Text, p. 98

Just for today:

I will break free of isolation. I will strive to feel a part of the NA Fellowship.

Hello and God Bless You.

Isolation is an addicts best friend and a recovering addicts worse enemy. When I was active I isolated for so long that any real friends that I might have had I didn’t have for long. I would avoid people at all cost. The embarrassment and hopelessness that I felt kept me from associating with people. That same feeling took me to new depths of loneliness that I never knew existed.

When I came into recovery I saw people interacting with each other. Laughing and sharing. Joking and smiling with each other. I felt out of place. I sat quiet and watched. People introduced themselves to me and before long I felt like I actually belonged. The more time went on the more comfortable I became. I am truly grateful for that experience because it kept me coming back. I didn’t feel so lonely anymore. I have made many good friends in recovery and I thank God for guiding me to the rooms and online communities that I am apart of.

I am having a hard time today because my disease is trying to take it all away from me. My disease is feeding me a bunch of lies designed to make me feel like I am not worthy of this new life, new friends, new found joy. I know better than to believe all of the lies but I also know that I have to share these thoughts and feelings with you. I know that I am only as sick as my secrets. I can see the light getting brighter at the end of the tunnel and my disease doesn’t like that so its trying extra hard to get me back. I have been feeling like crawling under a rock, like isolating, like not making meetings calling my sponsor or doing anything lately and I need to shake these unhealthy feelings. I have been here before and the results were not good.

Today I will continue to tell on my disease. I will not isolate. I will call my sponsor and someone from my network. I will make meetings. I will not allow these funky feelings to gain anymore traction. I will pump my breaks and get my focus back on the positive things that I am grateful for.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

DON’T BELIEVE THE LIES

115 DAYS CLEAN

Many times in our recovery, the old bugaboos will haunt us. Life may again become meaningless, monotonous, and boring.
Basic Text, p. 78

Just for today:

Ill take a break from the routine and stretch my potential to its fullest.

Hello and God Bless You.

I have to admit that I am feeling really bored with my life right now. Although I am grateful that I am clean, my life seems to be missing something. The problem is I don’t know what it is I think I am missing. I can totally relate to the Just For Today I have been feeling like this off and on for the past couple of weeks. It has been suggested that I make a  gratitude list. I have done that. I shared about it and posted about it. But those feelings of emptiness and boredom still haunt me.

I have been trying to do new things. I am trying to do different things in hopes that the feelings will go away. I know that its just a feeling and it shall pass and it usually does but its been coming back more often. I know that its my disease checking in on me to see if I want to cash in my clean time. I have no desire to use and will not listen to or fall for the lies. Because that is all they are LIES.

I have been doing good and good things are happening in my life and just like clockwork my disease shows up to try and ruin it. Ever since I can remember everytime things are going good I get these negative feelings and thoughts. I begin to listen to the lies and before I know it I’ve destroyed whatever opportunity I was presented with. I am so grateful to God, the fellowship of NA, my sponsor and ny network because had it not been for all of the above and for the work I have been doing I would not have the growth to recognise how my disease it playing tricks on me. I would fall right into the trap and be right back out there using again.

Today I will concentrate on all the good things and remember that my life is not boring, It is great right now. Thanks to the grace of God. I will not fall for the lies which have ruined many opportunities in the past. I will reach out to others and continue to share my experiences in hopes that they will help others. 

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to leave a comment below to let me know you were here.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

PRIORITIES

110 DAYS CLEAN

The good times can also be a trap; the danger is that we may forget that our first priority is to stay clean.
Basic Text, p. 43

Just for today:

Im grateful for the good times, but Ive not forgotten from where Ive come. Today, my first priority is staying clean and growing in my recovery.

Hello and God Bless You.

Priorities is a word that meant nothing to me before I came to NA. Even after I got a little clean time I still didn’t realize the importance of priorities. When I was using, using was my priority. It was my commitment. It was my job, it was my girlfriend, it was my life.

Everything I did revolved around it, and I wouldn’t let anything interupt that process. I didn’t care if I had to miss birthdays, holidays, school, work or sleep for that matter. I wouldn’t let you or anyone else stop me from enjoying my high. I didn’t see that I wasn’t really enjoying it anymore that it had went from being fun to being necessary to being habit. I mean it just became natural like breathing. Everything I did or didn’t do was linked in one way or another to my using. And at first I had no desire to stop then I had no control and couldn’t stop.

Attending meetings has taught me a thing or two. One of the things is that when I stop making meetings I stop growing. I stop moving forward and I start going backwards. I revert back to my old attitudes and behaviors and I am not talking over time I’m talking almost immediately.

In no time at all I can loose what I choose not to use.

The program has taught me that I have to put my recovery first. I have to make meetings and stay connected. I have to continue to monitor my attitudes and behaviors and change my negative patterns. I have to call my sponsor and my network. I have to continue to share my hurt, pain my joys and sorrows. I have to make staying clean my first priority. If I stay in the here and now and continue to work the program I have a better chance of surviving.

If I don’t THEN ALL BETS ARE OFF.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

SELF DECEPTION.

109 DAYS CLEAN

As a result of the Twelve Steps, Im not able to hold on to old ways of deceiving myself.

Just for today:

I cannot work the steps and also continue deceiving myself. I will examine my thinking for rationalizations, reveal them to my sponsor, and be rid of them.

Hello and God Bless You.

When I read the Just For Today I couldn’t help but think about the way I had been living my life in addiction. All the lies, all the justifying and rationalizations. All the bullshit I used to feed myself. Now that I am clean I can see the insanity but when I was using I didn’t see anything wrong. I didn’t know what I know now.

As I sit back and think about the here and now. I can see where I went wrong coming into recovery last year.First of all I wasn’t honest with myself and as a result I couldn’t be honest with others. I was half stepping in my recovery and didn’t even realize that my addiction was still alive and kicking even though I was not using and eventually I did start using as a result of my dishonesty.

I have been deceiving myself for many years and although I thought that I was really working the program in reality I hadn’t even scratched the surface. I knew that I was powerless over my addiction but I wasn’t truthful about surrendering and kept quiet about my feelings that I could control my usage. When I made the decision to get high again I rationalized why it was ok to myself and made excuses to everyone else. I had an answer for everything and all of it was bullshit. It was me justifying my actions and trying to manipulate everyone. Same attitudes and behaviors as when I was lost in addiction. I wasn’t treating my recovery as if my life depended on it. I treated it like I did everything else in my life. I just didn’t care.

I know this now because I have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. My higher power as I understand him. I have been doing step work and my step work has helped me to see so many things from a different perspective. I am grateful today and I practice living gratefully. I am by no means where I want to be. But by the grace of God and the writing that I have done so far I am not where I used to be. I see major change in the 14 months that I have been attending NA meetings. I am fighting and winning the battle of letting go of my old ways. I check myself and correct myself daily. It’s truly amazing. I’ve never felt better about myself.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to leave a comment below to let me know you were here.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

A PROCESS NOT A CONTEST

107 DAYS CLEAN

This program has become a part of me…. I understand more clearly the things that are happening in my life today. I no longer fight the process.<
Basic Text, p. 127

Just for today:

Life is a process; the Twelve Steps are the key. Today, I will use the steps to participate in that process, understanding and enjoying myself and my recovery.

Hello and God Bless You

I am thankful to my higher power God for guiding me to NA. For too long I have struggled with addiction and negativity. I was unaware of the possibilities that awaited me. I was a lost soul just drifting on the sea of misery. I didn’t think I would ever be able to stop using so I continued to self destruct day by day. I didn’t understand what was happening to me and I had no control and didn’t have the ability to do anything about it. Looking back it was a sad, lonely existence. It took some bumps in the road, setbacks and disappointments but I am finally beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

Recovery doesn’t happen over night and I am never going to be totally cured. I have a lifelong battle ahead of me but because I am no longer fighting the process recovery is starting to become just a little easier. I am beginning to feel better about my life. I have hope for a future, and for a family. All I have to do is continue on this road. Recovery is not a race, its not a contest, it is a process. I didn’t come into the rooms totally honest, open minded or willing after all I have been self destructing for years. I have formed bad habits and negative attitudes and behaviors. I have done a lot of damage to my thought process and its gonna take some time to correct all of the bad habits and behaviors. It is a process I am willing to go through to get to where I want to be. The longer I stay in this process the more I am beginning to understand the things that I go through, the feelings, the thoughts, the attitudes all the stuff that used to run me to get high. Today with the help of God, the fellowship and my network I am making progress. I can see changes in me. I feel the changes in me. My thought process has changed I actually think before I speak and act. I never used to do that. I know the program works.

For me its work the Steps or die. It’s just that simple.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to leave a comment below to let me know you were here.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

RELAPSE IS NOT A REQUIREMENT

106 DAYS CLEAN

There will be times, however, when we really feel like using. We want to run, and we feel lousy. We need to be reminded of where we came from and that it will be worse this time. This is when we need the program the most.
Basic Text, p. 81

Just for today:

I thank my Higher Power for the gift of NA. I know that relapse is not the way out. Whatever challenges I face, I will face them with the God of my understanding.

Hello and God Bless You.

Relapse is not a requirement but it is a reality. Relapse is a part of my story. It is a part of my past and I am not gonna let it be a part of my future. Now I am not a psychic and I cannot predict the future but I can say that if I keep vigilant by working the steps, reading the literature, sharing my experience, strength and hope, continue giving back what was so freely given to me and keep monitoring my attitudes and behaviors and making the necessary changes and do this one day at a time relapse will not be a part of my life just for today. I know all to well what happens when there are holes in my program. I cannot afford to get comfortable or relaxed. That opens the door for me to start sliding down that slippery slope of relapse.

I have learned so much about myself this past 14 months I have been in recovery. I am learning  my triggers and the signs that I am slipping. I am learning how to respond positively to situations. I am learning to have compassion and empathy for people. I am learning how to get out of my own way and be open to change. I am learning how to deal with my feelings good and bad. In the past there was only one solution to every thing good or bad. Today I have choices. I utilize my options and I am happy to say that none of the options include using drugs today.

Gods grace and the fellowship have taught me that RELAPSE IS NOT A REQUIREMENT. I am grateful for that today. Gratitude plays a major part in me staying clean and I am passionate about living a clean life.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

FEAR OF SUCCESS.

105 DAYS CLEAN

Any form of success was frightening and unfamiliar.
Basic Text, p. 14

Just for today:

I will take time to savor my successes. I will share my victories with an attitude of gratitude.

Hello and God Bless You.

Frightening and unfamiliar are two words I know all too well. I have been afraid to move forward for years. Anytime I would advance in anything I would somehow or another fuck it up. I can’t tell you how many times I have lost great jobs, destroyed great relationships, relapsed after doing so well. The list goes on and on. I have been my own worse enemy. No matter how good things were going. No matter how happy I have been. I have always found a way to screw it up. I had got so used to being a fuck up that it became the norm. I actually started believing the lies I told myself. I would never amount to anything. I would always be a addict. I was useless, I felt hopeless and I wallowed in self pity. I hated myself and began to hate everyone else. Especially if you were succeeding.

I am not going to say that I don’t still feel that way sometimes today because I do. I still battle with low self esteem and low self worth. It’s not so apparent today because I don’t let it rule me like I used to. I know today that those are feelings and they will pass. I know that those thoughts are mostly my addiction trying to break free. I do not feed that monster inside of me by dwelling on those feelings. I have God on my side today and my faith is growing greater by the day.

I am truly grateful that I am learning different ways to deal with situations that I used to only have one way of dealing with. I am proud of the progress that I have made and I will strive to make more progress daily. I have fantastic friends today. I have just gotten a promotion and a raise  at work. I used to be scared to do new things, today I look forward to trying new things. I have my higher power and the fellowship to thank for all the gifts that I have received since coming into recovery and deciding to finally surrender and be honest, open minded, and willing.

I have an attitude of gratitude today and I share it with everyone I come in contact with.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to leave a comment below to let me know you were here.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM