100 DAYS CLEAN
The Eighth Step offers a big change from a life dominated by guilt and remorse.
Basic Text, p. 39
Just for today:
I will use any feelings of remorse I may have as a stepping-stone to healing through the Twelve Steps.
Hello and God Bless You
For too long I have been holding on to feelings of regret and remorse and using over and over trying to forget or mask the feelings. I have seen the damage it causes first hand. I have lived in the cycle of self destruction and am ready to move on.
Becoming willing to make amends is not going to be a problem for me because I am already willing. I know that I am not quite ready to start making amends just yet but I am at least ready to begin this healing process. I am not going to just go off willy nilly and start making amends without the guidance of my sponsor and not until I am on the 8th step. I have a long way to go as far as work on myself and just because I have 100 days clean it doesn’t mean shit to anyone that knows and has been hurt by me and my past.
I have been here before and I know that when I get clean I think that everyone is supposed to be happy and all of a sudden everything is supposed to be fine. In my dreams that might work but in reality its nowhere near that simple. I have lied to myself long enough and I know that I cannot continue to front and act like everything is fine. This is going to be a journey, a long hard journey. I didn’t become an addict over night and I will not recover over night and the people that I harmed in anyway shape or form will not become forgiving and accepting of me and my new way of life over night.
Too many times have I tried to do the right thing and because it wasn’t received the way I felt it should’ve been received I relapsed. Now I say relapse not only meaning drugs, but old behaviors and negative attitudes as well. Like this example I could be doing good in say the area of my temper, and I do something for someone who I have harmed and they say something like you think just because you’re not using now that everything is alright but its not. Because they know my track record and I’m all in my feelings and before you know it I get the “Fuck its” now when that happens I am in trouble. Whenever I get the fuck its it always turns out bad.
I will work my program and continue to learn and grow so when its my time to make my amends I will be able to deal with the feelings that come along with it.
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Peace and Blessings