99 DAYS CLEAN
It would be tragic to write [out an inventory only to] shove it in a drawer. These defects grow in the dark and die in the light of exposure.
Basic Text, p. 32
Just for today:
I will uncover my secrets. I will practice being honest with my sponsor.
Hello and God Bless You.
I have heard many times that I am only as sick as my secrets. I am beginning to understand what that means. As an addict I have held on to many things that I felt no one should know. As a result I have been reliving the same nightmares over and over again. Now as a recovering addict I am supposed to go to meetings and start sharing these secrets, the exact things that I have held onto for so long. It has been a very long time since I’ve trusted anyone and now I am supposed to trust people in the meetings with my secrets. As you can probably tell I am having a hard time with this. I thank God that I am clean and I am working my program as best I can. I know this is a process and I know eventually I will be able to trust people again because I am starting to trust some people. It is not easy for me to do but I am slowly coming to grips with the idea. I have been through a lot in my years and its not going to happen overnight. I am learning not to be so hard on myself when I hit a roadblock in my recovery. I will remember that this is a process not a race and I have to move at my own pace. It is important that I am moving and moving in a forward direction.
I know that holding on to these secrets are not healthy and can cause me to act off of the feelings associated with them in a negative way as I have done for so long. I have written some of my secrets in my story and it is posted in my group I am just not ready to share these things in meetings. I’m still working on worrying about what people think and say about me. I realize that I have no control over that but its another of my works in progress to be able to let it go. I still am trying to control certain things and I can admit that. Some old habits die hard. One thing I know I cannot control is using there is no doubt about that. Today I can see things and recognize what I need to work on. I also know that I will not change everything at once. As I said I am a work in progress.
I will eventually be able to trust which in turn will make it easier for me to share my secrets in meetings. In the meantime I will continue to write them out. I will learn how not to be so concerned with what people think or say about me and that to will make it easier to share my secrets.
I will also work on relinquishing control over things I do not control. Lol. I like that.
Thank you for reading today’s blog post.
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Peace and Blessings