MY DISEASE

 85 DAYS CLEAN

We have become very grateful in the course of our recovery….
We have a disease, but we do recover.
Basic Text, p. 8

Just for today:
I will accept the fact of my disease, and pursue the blessing of my recovery.

Hello and God Bless You.

Grateful I am.

I don’t even know where to begin to express my gratitude for the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. How do you describe the gratitude to someone or something that has saved your life. Well I am learning how to express it by giving back what was so freely given to me and by continuing to do the work on myself so I do not go back out there. When I heard it said that addiction is a disease I couldn’t believe it. I always thought of a disease being like cancer or diabetes you know something  you have to take medication for, end up in the hospital and then you die. But when they said I have a disease it blew my mind. I was happy though to know that I wasn’t totally insane for continually doing the same thing and not having any control over my actions. The longer I stay in this process and the more I apply the principals to my everyday life the more I begin to understand some of the insanity. It is a process not a race not an event but a process. One day at a time I do and will continue to recover.

With that being said I also have to say that this is a disease that I have to live with for the rest of my life. Unlike other diseases where you take medication and eventually might or might not get better there is no medication to take for addiction, (Ha if there was I would probably get addicted to it.) No instead I am in a fight for my life and the only medication is the footwork. I make meetings daily, where I talk about the things I am feeling, thinking, went through in the past and am going through right now. I share and I listen to others share. I know I am in the right place when I go to meetings because I always hear something that reminds me that I am not alone. I always find someone who shares something that I can relate to. We find common ground in meetings. I have a sponsor who guides me through the process, he helps me when I do not understand something or and going through something. He guides me on my step work and we have a lot in common as well. He is not only my sponsor but I consider him my friend. He has saved my life and I am grateful to him as well as the fellowship. I also have a network which continues to grow on a daily basis. I have 2 networks. I have my home group and the people I meet in meetings here in NY and I have a network of recovering addicts online that I chat with on a daily basis. I have my Facebook group called THE STRUGGLE. I am also a member in a few other groups which I will not name but I have met some fantastic people who help me in my recovery and I help them as well. It is such a great feeling to have so many friends who all want the same thing. Instead of having a bunch of fake ass friends who only want 1 thing. Recovery is a blessing and I am so damn grateful that I have found it.

Now anybody who has ever struggled to get clean knows that staying clean is not easy. I am no different. I didn’t just walk in the rooms of NA and magically become this Open minded, honest and willing person. It took some work and quite a few tries. I relapsed several times, and I was fortunate enough to make it back. Using is not a game and it can end my life at any given minute when I choose to use. Today I choose to live Gods will for me. I use to always do things my way and I always got what I always got.MISERY 10X OVER.

Today I choose to live Gods will and not my own. One day at a time I pray for the knowledge and strength and for guidance to continue to live in a positive and productive way.

Thank you for reading today’s blog.

As always feel free to comment below, join my blog or sign up for email notifications.

Peace and Blessings.

NAM

TIME TO HAVE SOME FUN.

 84 DAYS CLEAN

In recovery, our ideas of fun change.
Basic Text, p. 107
Just for today: I will have fun in my recovery!

Hello and God Bless You.

I have to be really honest today. Not that I haven’t been being honest its just the way I started off today. I have been feeling really, really down in the dumps lately. I have been in a funk for the last couple of days and I wasn’t really sharing about it. I know how dangerous that is for me to hold on to feelings and not share so I finally let it out today. I have been feeling like I am stuck in a rut. Like I am helping everyone else but not doing anything to help myself. I have been feeling like I participate in everyone’s recovery but my own. Now the more I dwelt on this the more I began to believe that, that is what was bothering me. I even went as far as to stay off of FB for a couple of days and not respond to anyone. Today when I posted it and read some of the feedback I began to realize that was not the problem. It was my addiction coming at me in a whole new direction. I swear this disease is so cunning and sneaky that it is hard sometimes to recognize it. I am so grateful that I finally shared it and I didn’t let it fester until I picked up. I did a little self inventory of my feelings and what was really bothering me. I noticed that I have been helping people and that is a good thing but my disease wants me to isolate and not help anyone but stay to myself and that is a bad thing. It has been playing me making me think that helping others is taking away from helping myself. God is using me and my talents to help others and at the same time apply what I am helping others with into my own life.

The more I grow the more my disease wants me to stay the same. It is trying extra hard to keep me stuck in the same whole and making the same mistakes. I am grateful that I decided to use my tools and get some feedback because I might not have recognized it on my own in time. I am feeling a whole lot better right now and just thought I would share that as well. I am going to eventually cut back on some of the groups I participate in though to get a little balance but I will not stop participating all together because that would be just plain crazy. I would be allowing my addiction to win and today I will not allow my negative thoughts to out weight my positive ones. I know that my group The Struggle and the other groups I belong to are helping me tremendously. All the new friends I have made who offer me such sound advice (like today) have been a gigantic help in my keeping clean. I will never stop participating.

That being said I also realize that I have been all work and recovery and no real me time. I have been going full steam ahead and even though that is a good thing I also need to take some time out to let my hair down.(figure of speech because I hardly have any hair..LOL) I need to take a break and do something fun. I am planning on maybe going to the movies. I have some friends who play video games against each other I think I might invest in a playstation 3 so I can join them. I know that all work and no play makes for a very dull person. I do not wish to go crazy like in the old days but I do need to find a release for all the energy that I am not burning off. I am grateful for my recovery and will protect it like it was a million dollars in my mattress.

Thank you all for listening to me rant and vent today. I truly appreciate all of you.

Thank you for reading today’s blog.

As always feel free to comment below, join my blog or sign up for email notifications.

Peace and Blessings.

NAM