DO BAD BY MYSELF


 80 DAYS CLEAN

We had convinced ourselves that we could make it alone and proceeded to live life on that basis. The results were disastrous and, in the end, each of us had to admit that self-sufficiency was a lie.
Basic Text, p. 62
Just for today:
I will seek the support of other recovering addicts; harmony with others in my community; and the care of my Higher Power. I cant, but we can.

Hello and God Bless You.

Man there is so much truth in the Just For Today. I can’t help but remember the insanity that isolation brought into my life. The unbearable loneliness, the self pity, the misery, the pain, the uncomfortable feelings, the desperation, the degradation, the anger, sadness all of it. I could go on for days but if you were like me then you get the picture. I remember in the beginning I used to think the people on the streets were my friends I found out the hard way on the street you have no friends. I used to stay away from people because I was hurt by people so many times that I lost all trust and just assumed everyone was the same. So to avoid getting hurt I avoided people. Then when my addiction was in full swing people were no longer needed as long as I had my drugs. I was convinced that I didn’t need anyone and so I tried to live life without anyone. Not even my family.

I lived that life of isolation, jails and institutions for the better part of 36 years. Until the loneliness got to be depressing enough for me to want to kill myself. I couldn’t stand to be around others and now I couldn’t even stand to be around myself Luckily for me I was too chicken to really carry suicide out I only tried to smoke myself to death or commit crimes that might have gotten me killed. God would not let that happen so I suffered in my own skin.

Of course at the time I didn’t see it as God’s intervention I saw it as God’s punishment. That is until at a point of desperation I cried out to God and he lead me back to the rooms of NA. At first I still held on to the distrust of people but as time went on with the help of God, my sponsor and others in NA I started to open up. I am still opening up because naturally I have trust issues so its a process but its a process that I actually look forward to. I’ve had enough of being alone and I want to trust people and be able to have a conversation with people (which I didn’t mention but I have trouble communicating with people) I have come to realize that I can not do this alone and I have finally started reaching out to others. It’s still a process but I am getting better and better as the days turn into weeks into months. I love to share about myself because I can feel the pain easing away when I do. For anyone newer than me please believe me when I tell you it does work. Try it. I am so grateful that I am open minded today, because when I wasn’t I kept relapsing and giving up.

Today I strive to live a better life so I ask for help and I also help others. I can’t keep it unless I give it away and what I cannot do alone WE can do together.

I thank all the people in my new life. Because without YOU there would be no ME.

Thank you for reading today’s blog.

As always feel free to comment below, join my blog or sign up for email notifications.

Peace and Blessings.

NAM

One thought on “DO BAD BY MYSELF

  1. Pingback: DO BAD BY MYSELF – FROM STRUGGLE TO STRENGTH

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