75 DAYS CLEAN
We felt different…. Only after surrender are we able to overcome the alienation of addiction.
Basic Text, p. 22
Just for today: I will let go of my uniqueness and embrace the principles of recovery I have in common with so many others. My hardships do not exclude me from recovery; rather, they draw me into it.
Hello and God Bless You.
You couldn’t tell me that I wasn’t unique when I was active. I just knew that my story was so outrageous that nobody could ever understand. I allowed that pattern of thinking to lock me into a whoa is me frame of mind. I was ashamed and embarrassed about my fall from the top of the game for a long time. (For those that do not know my story you can read the PG13 version on my group page The Struggle) I felt like this shit happens to my custies not me. I just could not accept that I had fell victim to my own product. Rule Numero Uno was never get high on your own supply but I was a hard head. I thought I was different. Shit I’m a superhero I could never get hooked. Boy was I wrong. I got hooked, line and sinker and before long I was gone. Jails and institutions couldn’t even save my ass. I would come home and BAM be right back.
I always gravitate to negativity and fast money and because I thought I was in control I always took that same ass whipping the drugs gave me thinking “yea you won this round but next time you won’t.” I didn’t understand addiction the way I do now so I was locked into the insanity for years. The viscous cycle that we are all to familiar with. Insanity wasn’t a passing fad that shit moved in and took over. In the end I was ready to die. I just couldn’t continue living like that.
When I came into the rooms of NA I was beat up and still thought I was different until I started listening. I began to realize that there were others who struggled and went through the same things that I did. I began to have a little hope. I went back out a couple of times not realizing how sneaky my addiction is.
Today I have a higher power and I am learning more and more about my disease, triggers and pitfalls. I have accepted the fact that I am an addict and this is a life long battle to the death. The battle royale. I’m cool with that. I know a place that I can go everyday and talk about all the hurt, pain, suffering….all that and a bag of chips ahoy and be welcomed with a hug and be told to keep coming back. WOW. I LOVE NA.
I AM NOT UNIQUE BUT I AM ALSO NOT THE ONLY BLACK SHEEP.
Thank you for reading today’s blog.
As always feel free to comment below, join my blog or sign up for email notifications.
Peace and Blessings.