ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

103 DAYS CLEAN

Our disease has been arrested, and now anything is possible. We become increasingly open-minded and open to new ideas in all areas of our lives.
Basic Text, p. 106

Just for today:
There is always more to learn and someone to learn from in my recovery. Today, I will be open to new ideas and willing to try them out. As long as I am, I know that anything is possible.

Hello and God Bless You.

I can remember not to long ago thinking that nothing was possible. I was depressed, suicidal, miserable and any other adjective you can think of. I was lost and felt like a lost cause. I didn’t see anyway out of my situation. I was stuck in a never ending cycle of destruction. I was killing myself and couldn’t stop myself. I had lost all control and eventually all desire to stop using and it was replaced with the desire to stop living.

God had a different plan though. I eventually made it into the rooms and after learning the hard way that I really have no control over my addiction I surrendered and became willing to try to be open minded to this new way of life. I am not gonna sit here and say this is easy. But it sure as hell beats that old way of thinking. Being closed minded to everything except drugs and negativity.

Open mindedness has been a blessing. I mean who would’ve known the possibilities. Had I known all I had to do was be open and just try I would’ve done this long time ago. If I would have just listened to my parents and everyone else I could have avoided a whole lot of heartache and pain. But that’s spilled milk, the past is the past I am open now and that’s what matters.

I am living the possibilities right now. I just got a promotion from my job, I am clean, I have God in my life, new friends, I am willing to help people and so much more has come from this. I am happy today and it all because I took the chance and applied the principals. God is great. I truly believe that through him and with some hard work and consistancy anything and I mean anything is possible.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

REGRET REMORSE AND AMENDS

100 DAYS CLEAN

The Eighth Step offers a big change from a life dominated by guilt and remorse.
Basic Text, p. 39

Just for today:
I will use any feelings of remorse I may have as a stepping-stone to healing through the Twelve Steps.

Hello and God Bless You

For too long I have been holding on to feelings of regret and remorse and using over and over trying to forget or mask the feelings. I have seen the damage it causes first hand. I have lived in the cycle of self destruction and am ready to move on.

Becoming willing to make amends is not going to be a problem for me because I am already willing. I know that I am not quite ready to start making amends just yet but I am at least ready to begin this healing process. I am not going to just go off willy nilly and start making amends without the guidance of my sponsor and not until I am on the 8th step. I have a long way to go as far as work on myself and just because I have 100 days clean it doesn’t mean shit to anyone that knows and has been hurt by me and my past.

I have been here before and I know that when I get clean I think that everyone is supposed to be happy and all of a sudden everything is supposed to be fine. In my dreams that might work but in reality its nowhere near that simple. I have lied to myself long enough and I know that I cannot continue to front and act like everything is fine. This is going to be a journey, a long hard journey. I didn’t become an addict over night and I will not recover over night and the people that I harmed in anyway shape or form will not become forgiving and accepting of me and my new way of life over night.

Too many times have I tried to do the right thing and because it wasn’t received the way I felt it should’ve been received I relapsed. Now I say relapse not only meaning drugs, but old behaviors and negative attitudes as well. Like this example I could be doing good in say the area of my temper, and I do something for someone who I have harmed and they say something like you think just because you’re not using now that everything is alright but its not. Because they know my track record and I’m all in my feelings and before you know it I get the “Fuck its” now when that happens I am in trouble. Whenever I get the fuck its it always turns out bad.

I will work my program and continue to learn and grow so when its my time to make my amends I will be able to deal with the feelings that come along with it.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

SICK AS MY SECRETS

99 DAYS CLEAN

It would be tragic to write [out an inventory only to] shove it in a drawer. These defects grow in the dark and die in the light of exposure.
Basic Text, p. 32

Just for today:
I will uncover my secrets. I will practice being honest with my sponsor.

Hello and God Bless You.

I have heard many times that I am only as sick as my secrets. I am beginning to understand what that means. As an addict I have held on to many things that I felt no one should know. As a result I have been reliving the same nightmares over and over again. Now as a recovering addict I am supposed to go to meetings and start sharing these secrets, the exact things that I have held onto for so long. It has been a very long time since I’ve trusted anyone and now I am supposed to trust people in the meetings with my secrets.  As you can probably tell I am having a hard time with this. I thank God that I am clean and I am working my program as best I can. I know this is a process and I know eventually I will be able to trust people again because I am starting to trust some people. It is not easy for me to do but I am slowly coming to grips with the idea. I have been through a lot in my years and its not going to happen overnight. I am learning not to be so hard on myself when I hit a roadblock in my recovery. I will remember that this is a process not a race and I have to move at my own pace. It is important that I am moving and moving in a forward direction.

I know that holding on to these secrets are not healthy and can cause me to act off of the feelings associated with them in a negative way as I have done for so long. I have written some of my secrets in my story and it is posted in my group I am just not ready to share these things in meetings. I’m still working on worrying about what people think and say about me. I realize that I have no control over that but its another of my works in progress to be able to let it go. I still am trying to control certain things and I can admit that. Some old habits die hard. One thing I know I cannot control is using there is no doubt about that. Today I can see things and recognize what I need to work on. I also know that I will not change everything at once. As I said I am a work in progress.

I will eventually be able to trust which in turn will make it easier for me to share my secrets in meetings. In the meantime I will continue to write them out. I will learn how not to be so concerned with what people think or say about me and that to will make it easier to share my secrets.

I will also work on  relinquishing control over things I do not control. Lol. I like that.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

SELF PITY KILLS

95 DAYS CLEAN

Self-pity is one of the most destructive of defects; it will drain us of all positive energy.
Basic Text, p. 80
Just for today:
I will be grateful for the hope NA has given me. I will cultivate my recovery and stop cultivating self-pity..

As long as we could feel sorry for ourselves and blame someone else for our troubles, we didnt have to accept the consequences of our actions; believing ourselves powerless to change, we didnt have to accept the need for change. Using this survival mechanism kept us from entering recovery and led us closer, day by day, to self-destruction. Self-pity is a tool of our disease;

The above quote from the basic text says it all. I remember being locked in self pity for a long time. I wallowed in it. I felt useless and helpless. I blamed every and anybody for my problems. I spent all day everyday feeling sorry for myself and making excuses for my poor pitiful life. Unable to see anyway out of my situation I continued to spiral out of control. Self pity is a killer. It is used very skillfully by my addiction to keep me from seeing that there is a way out. Self pity has played a major part in my having low self esteem. Not feeling worthy was and sometimes still is a problem.

I am no where near as bad as I used to be. I am growing and learning about myself and the old bad habits that kept me locked in addiction. I have my days when I find myself feeling low and pity tries to invade. I have learned to monitor my thoughts and feelings. When I find negative thoughts creeping in I switch to positive thoughts. I make gratitude list and read out loud what I am grateful for. I listen to positive podcast from Joel Osteen and others. I talk about those feelings instead of stuffing them. I refuse to allow my feelings to dictate my life and my actions. I’ve done that for way too long.

Today I use my tools of recovery because I choose not to dwell in that negative space. If I don’t use my tools I will be in trouble.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

RESERVATIONS

93 DAYS CLEAN

Relapse is never an accident. Relapse is a sign that we have a reservation in our program.
Basic Text, p. 79
Just for today:
I will check for any reservations that may endanger my recovery and share them with another addict.

Hello and God Bless You.

Relapse is a part of my story. I have struggled with addiction for a long time. I never really took getting clean serious. I realize that any clean time I ever had was not recovery but abstinence. I was not using my drug of choice (D.O.C.) but was drinking and I had no program. No structure and no support system. I was just a situation away from picking up my D.O.C. and would always say if I get too stressed out Imma go smoke me one. Well before long I was smokin more than one and off to the races again.

I have a habit of making disaster relief plans that involve using until I can’t feel anything. I done this everytime something tragic happened in my life and even when situations weren’t that tragic. It used to be a coping mechanism to help deal with the pain. HA that’s the lie I’ve told myself for years. My so called coping mechanism turned on me and became such a problem that I couldn’t cope with anything anymore. But I kept using this as if it actually worked for me. I would run to D.O.C. anytime, everytime, anywhere and everywhere. It didn’t matter if I was feeling bad or good. Up or down. My reservation became my addiction and in the end became my nightmare.

Today first things first I live in the moment. I try very hard to stay in the here and now. Living just for today keeps me from worrying about what’s going to happen tomorrow and keeps me from making plans and setting up disaster relief plans. There are times that I catch myself thinking ahead and I know that its not always easy to stay in the here and now but I monitor my thinking and when it happens I nip it in the bud. I do not allow it to grow and start festering and turn into planning because my thinking always got me into trouble.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to leave a comment below to let me know you were here.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

COMMITMENT

 92 DAYS CLEAN

As long as I take it easy and make a commitment with my Higher Power to do the best I can, I know I will be taken care of today.
Just for today:
I will honor my commitment to a partnership with my Higher Power.

Hello and God Bless You.

Commitment is a word that only meant one thing to me in the past. I was committed to using. I was committed to making sure I had what I needed to get high. In the end that’s all that mattered. I didn’t care about anything else. My commitment to self destruction was so strong that if you were talking to me and it didn’t benefit me I really didn’t want to hear it. I remember the days of being committed to the manipulations of others, the lies, the cheats, the stealing, not giving a damn about anything or anyone unless you had something for me. Drugs or money is all I cared about in the end. I would act like I cared about anything you had to say if I thought I could hit you up for a couple of dollars. Thinking back looking at my insanity makes me sad today but when I was caught up in the grips of my addiction it was normal, it was survival, it was necessary and in my mind I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I never realized the damage I was causing to everyone around me because like I said I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong.

It takes a lot of effort to stay committed to something. In addiction my commitment to using came almost naturally because I was not in control. The obsession drove me because my thoughts where consumed with the getting and using and finding the ways and means to get more drugs. The compulsive behavior also uncontrollable under the influence was just as intense for me. I was out of control and in the end I wanted to stop but couldn’t. I remember feeling like a prisoner inside my own body. Like I was looking out through my eyes crying for help on the inside but not in control of my actions on the outside. I was crying out for help and nobody could hear me. I was all alone.

I remember the dispair, the loneliness, the desperation, the feelings of helplessness and worthlessness. Addiction wanted me dead and it had me thinking that I might as well go ahead and kill myself because I would never stop using, I would never amount to anything. I was useless. My addiction had me on the verge of killing myself but God intervened. Long story short I was flipping through channels on TV came across church and started listening. I prayed to God for help.

I fought for a while after that with how to go about getting clean. I had been in treatment centers and I’ve been to jail and then it hit me. There was NA meetings while I was locked up, I had been to meetings on the outside once or twice as well so I decided to try it again. After a couple more months I finally made it back to the rooms that was Jan. 22nd 2011. I still wasn’t as committed as I should have been considering all the shit I have been through and I relapsed a couple of times but I didn’t give up. Nov. 19, 2011 I had a spiritual awakening and made a commitment to God and to myself to focus on living a new way of life without the use of drugs. I committed myself to doing the footwork, to reading the literature and of course to making meetings. Now with the help of God, my sponsor, my network and my group The Struggle and my network of groups on Facebook I have 92 days back. I have never felt better and I am committed to not only help myself but to help others. Doing service has helped me keep the focus off of me. Because we all know an addict only thinks of himself. Today I think of others and am committed to that. It’s been a long hard journey and it continues to get better everyday. On day at a time.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to leave a comment below to let me know you were here.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

RECOVERY U HAVE TO WANT IT

 91 DAYS CLEAN

They can be analyzed, counseled, reasoned with, prayed over, threatened, beaten, or locked up, but they will not stop until they want to stop.
Basic Text, p. 65
Just for today:
I will accept that I am powerless not only over my own addiction but also over everyone elses. I will carry the message, not the addict.

Hello and God Bless You.

I remember once upon a time I was trying to help someone who wasn’t ready to stop using. I used to get so frustrated and angry. I realize now that you cannot force your will on someone else. I cannot make anyone do anything they are not ready to do.

You can only offer support and hope that they come to a point where they are ready to change. You can literally drive yourself insane trying to make someone stop using. If your an addict like me you will wind up using before you get someone clean. I know this from experience. It’s been said that  recovery is for those that want it not those that need it. I never understood that until I came into the rooms. I came in needing help I was at my bottom and didn’t know how to climb out of the hole I dug for myself. Now that being said you would think that I would be willing to do what it takes not to use again, but I wasn’t 100% willing and I picked and chose what I would and wouldn’t do. Needless to say I relapsed. You see I needed recovery but I truly didn’t want it. I still wanted to use I just wanted to find a better way to use. I still thought I could somehow control my addiction. I didn’t know this at the time but I know it now. I am in a process of learning myself and I make mistakes (not with drugs) I am learning to deal with everyday situations that before used to run me out the door to get high.

Today I know that I have options. Today I put myself out there to help others but if they are not ready I can still try to help but it will be from a distance. I can only do but so much and if they are not willing then there isn’t anything I can do. I can only pray that they see their own destruction and want to do something about it before its too late.

I had to learn the hard way. I was not willing for years to hear anything anyone had to say. I lost a lot but I was lucky I didn’t lose my life. I understand what its like because I was there not too long ago either. But today its different and I want to live a better life so I fight the good fight and so far I am alright. I didn’t do it on my own. I have God in my life today and it has made a big difference in how I see things. Also I have my sponsor, home group and my network all who cared for me and loved me when I didn’t love myself. I am a work in progress but I am making progress.
One day at a time.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to leave a comment below to let me know you were here.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

90 IN 90

90 DAYS CLEAN

When we refuse to accept the reality of today, we are denying faith in our Higher Power. This can only bring more suffering.
IP No. 8, Just for Today

Just for today:
I will demonstrate my trust in God by experiencing this day just as it is.

Hello and God Bless You.

Today I make 90 days clean. I feel great but I am not excited. I say that because this is my 2nd 90 days. I do not wish to get off track and lose focus. I am grateful to God for guiding me in this journey and I am grateful to my network for all the support. I have faith that I can continue with this journey but I can’t seem to help but be concerned about relapsing. I am at a point where I am starting to feel less motivated about making meetings and reading literature and doing step work. I have been feeling a bit distracted lately and I know this is not good. I know this is a warning sign. I get these feelings and next thing you know I stop making meetings and before long those negative voices start feeding me the bullshit.

Having had this spiritual awakening and knowing what I should do is just the opposite of what I am feeling. You would think I would feel better but I don’t. I am feeling a funk this morning and I just wanted to share this with everyone. I know this is just a feeling and I know it will pass. I know today that I do not have to medicate myself everytime I go through uncomfortable feelings. I owe this knowledge to God and the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous and all the wonderful people I have met on this journey. I am grateful to be able to recognize these signs today and have the tools to deal with them instead of using.

One of the tools I use is this blog. As I sit here on this train typing I am beginning to feel better already. Whenever I write my blog I begin to feel lighter my spirit seems to get lifted. I love writing my blog and sharing my feelings and my thoughts. It is my self therapy and it works wonders for me at times. I don’t always get feedback and I don’t have a large following like some of the other blogs that I follow but that’s not why I write this blog. I am grateful for the people who do read it and for the feedback that I do receive it also helps me.

Just for today I will remember to be grateful for the time that I have and I will remember to live in the moment. I should not allow my thoughts to get ahead of me. Thinking into a future and projecting outcomes of things that haven’t happened yet is a character defect I am working on ridding myself of. At least for today. One day at a time my life is getting better. I have to remain in the present moment and be grateful for the experiences of today.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

As always feel free to leave a comment below to let me know you were here.

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Peace and Blessings

NAM

HERE AND NOW

86 DAYS CLEAN

We regretted the past, dreaded the future, and weren’t too thrilled about the present.
Basic Text, p. 7
Just for today:
When I live fully in each moment, I open myself to joys that might otherwise escape me. If I am having trouble, I will ask a loving God for help.

Hello and God Bless You.

I am learning to live in the moment. I realize that there are times that I am either living in the past or thinking too much about the future. When I am living in the past I tend to lose sight of all the progress that I am making and have already made up to this point in my recovery. I begin to regress and start getting those old too familiarly feelings of self pity, worthlessness, helplessness and low self esteem. Before long I would be depressed and feeling like giving up.

When I am living in the future I have a very bad habit of predicting doom. No matter what the vision or dream or thought is the outcome is always disastrous. I cannot think about the future too long without whatever good that is happening turning into some kind of tragedy. I find myself waking up sometimes in the middle of the night sweating because of a dream of relapse, jail, death or some other bad thing happening. It is not a good thing either way.

I try very hard to stay in the here and now. It can be difficult at times but I do not get frustrated when I find myself drifting because I know that this is new territory for me and it is a process. I used to expect change to happen over night and then get upset when I didn’t see any progress. Not anymore I have finally accepted the fact that I am a addict with a disease that has no known cure but can however be arrested and recovery is indeed possible. I have been doing the same things over and over for so long I would have to truly be insane to think that change is going to happen just because I try it once or twice. It takes work and it is work that I am more than willing to do. I am a work in progress and I am making progress. I love myself just for today. I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring but I will find out when tomorrow gets here.

So just for today I will give myself a break and take it slow. If I have to I will take it one minute at a time but I will take it. God is in control and I am living his will. I am not dwelling on the past and I am not thinking about the future. Living in the now.

Thank you for reading today’s blog.

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Peace and Blessings.

NAM

MY DISEASE

 85 DAYS CLEAN

We have become very grateful in the course of our recovery….
We have a disease, but we do recover.
Basic Text, p. 8

Just for today:
I will accept the fact of my disease, and pursue the blessing of my recovery.

Hello and God Bless You.

Grateful I am.

I don’t even know where to begin to express my gratitude for the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. How do you describe the gratitude to someone or something that has saved your life. Well I am learning how to express it by giving back what was so freely given to me and by continuing to do the work on myself so I do not go back out there. When I heard it said that addiction is a disease I couldn’t believe it. I always thought of a disease being like cancer or diabetes you know something  you have to take medication for, end up in the hospital and then you die. But when they said I have a disease it blew my mind. I was happy though to know that I wasn’t totally insane for continually doing the same thing and not having any control over my actions. The longer I stay in this process and the more I apply the principals to my everyday life the more I begin to understand some of the insanity. It is a process not a race not an event but a process. One day at a time I do and will continue to recover.

With that being said I also have to say that this is a disease that I have to live with for the rest of my life. Unlike other diseases where you take medication and eventually might or might not get better there is no medication to take for addiction, (Ha if there was I would probably get addicted to it.) No instead I am in a fight for my life and the only medication is the footwork. I make meetings daily, where I talk about the things I am feeling, thinking, went through in the past and am going through right now. I share and I listen to others share. I know I am in the right place when I go to meetings because I always hear something that reminds me that I am not alone. I always find someone who shares something that I can relate to. We find common ground in meetings. I have a sponsor who guides me through the process, he helps me when I do not understand something or and going through something. He guides me on my step work and we have a lot in common as well. He is not only my sponsor but I consider him my friend. He has saved my life and I am grateful to him as well as the fellowship. I also have a network which continues to grow on a daily basis. I have 2 networks. I have my home group and the people I meet in meetings here in NY and I have a network of recovering addicts online that I chat with on a daily basis. I have my Facebook group called THE STRUGGLE. I am also a member in a few other groups which I will not name but I have met some fantastic people who help me in my recovery and I help them as well. It is such a great feeling to have so many friends who all want the same thing. Instead of having a bunch of fake ass friends who only want 1 thing. Recovery is a blessing and I am so damn grateful that I have found it.

Now anybody who has ever struggled to get clean knows that staying clean is not easy. I am no different. I didn’t just walk in the rooms of NA and magically become this Open minded, honest and willing person. It took some work and quite a few tries. I relapsed several times, and I was fortunate enough to make it back. Using is not a game and it can end my life at any given minute when I choose to use. Today I choose to live Gods will for me. I use to always do things my way and I always got what I always got.MISERY 10X OVER.

Today I choose to live Gods will and not my own. One day at a time I pray for the knowledge and strength and for guidance to continue to live in a positive and productive way.

Thank you for reading today’s blog.

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Peace and Blessings.

NAM