GROWING UP


68 DAYS CLEAN

Just for today:
I will find joy in witnessing the recovery of another.
We see it happening among us every day. This miraculous turnabout is evidence of a spiritual awakening.
Basic Text, p. 51

Hello and God Bless You.

I would like to say that I am witnessing a new comers recovery but I can’t. I am the youngest member in my home group. In reality I am witnessing a new comers recovery, MY OWN. I see a big difference in my own recovery today. Comparing tries this is my 4th time back and my 3rd time having over 60 days. The difference in my recovery this time is I have finally arrived. I say that to say I have finally surrendered. I have finally come to believe that I am totally powerless over my addiction. I realize that I cannot do this alone so I am reaching out for help. I have finally gotten honest with myself so now I can be honest with others. I have faith in a higher power / GOD. I always had a sponsor but I wasn’t utilizing him to guide me. I thought that I  could do this without him. I still had THE GREAT I AM syndrome. I am finally taking recovery seriously and I have noticed a change in the way I am behaving, thinking, responding to people and even in my sharing. I feel a passion bubbling inside of me that is bursting to come out. I am doing step work and calling and texting other recovering addicts daily.

I do not feel useless, hopeless or worthless. I am not thoughtless or careless today. I am not cured either. I have just come to a realization that this person is who I want to be. I heard Joel Osteen say once you should speak it as if it already is so that is what I do.  I have compassion for others and want to help others who may be struggling. I am a new comer but I have a lot of information and a lot to offer. In the process of helping others I will also be helping myself heal. You see I have never gave a damn about helping anyone unless it benefited me. I lived by that misguided rule for a long time and that was just a part of my self centeredness. Being locked inside my own head for so long I lost all touch with reality. So now that I can think somewhat clearer I realize that my approach to life all these years was totally off and all wrong. I am striving to become a better person one day at a time and I am taking suggestions of my predecessors and my sponsor.

I love the way I feel at this present time in my life and want to continue. Of course problems arise like the one yesterday. Sometimes I pass and deal with it maturely and other times I fail like yesterday. But I am learning. OK OK you want to know what happened yesterday. I was at the library and I was eating some pistachios and the security guard came over and said that I had to clean off the table and I couldn’t eat them in the library..Cool no problem. that should have been the end of it but then this so and so took it a step further and said YOU PEOPLE think you can do whatever you want. DAMN IT MAN. why the hell did she have to go there. I kinda lost it and then she tell me to SHUT UP and before I knew it the whole thing is blown up. I was asked to leave and well you get the picture. I know that I have anger issues and I also know that I should have handled it better than I did but I didn’t. I felt bad afterwards and for all the growth I have been making one little incident could have caused me major problems so I need to work harder at it.  So you see I can talk all day but I still have to monitor my behavior because it only takes a second and I go flip mode. SMH.

ONE DAY AT A TIME. ONE MINUTE AT A TIME SOME DAYS!

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.
 
As always feel free to comment below, join my blog or sign up for email notifications.
 
Peace and Blessings.
 
NAM

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