Just for today: I will strive to forgive rather than be forgiven. I will try to act in such a way that I feel worthy of self-love.
As we realize our need to be forgiven, we tend to be more forgiving. At least we know that we are no longer intentionally making life miserable for people.
Basic Text, pp. 39-40
Hello and God Bless You
Wow the last line above described how I used to act. I was intentionally making life miserable for other people simply because I was miserable. I could not stand to see anyone happy. I always made it difficult to be around me. I caused a scene when I couldn’t get my way or even if I did get my way I still acted a fool. They say misery loves company, well I didn’t want your company but I damn sure didn’t want you to be happy about nothing and I made it my business to carry out that mission.
This is a area that I have no experience with. I never learned how to forgive and it has caused me to become a very bitter and angry individual. I could hold a grudge for 25 years. Believe me I did. I have not talked to a cousin of mines since we were in our twenties till this day. I am learning now how to let go and give it to God. I have held grudges and resentments ever since I was a kid. I never learned how to express my feelings and get shit off my chest in a civilized manor. Anger, violence and everything negative I can handle. To actually sit down and discuss a problem is hard. I have a problem with that and I will get better with it.
I have anger issues and I am known to GET IT IN. (you know what I mean)
The problem with that is you hold on to anger for so long and not releasing it causes me to explode usually on people who don’t even deserve it. Aggghhh. How many times have I done that. Now don’t get me wrong not everybody DIDN’T deserve it..but there were more times than I care to admit that the wrong person got caught up in my pressure burst pipes moment.
I am beginning to understand where all the anger comes from and I have been talking about it and I wrote about it in MY STORY. I still have other issue to deal with but that is a point of the majority of my anger and I still have not really been able to let it go. I need help with that. I give it up to God but old habits die hard so its going to be a process.
I am also beginning to forgive myself for all the pain, misery and suffering that I caused myself and others. I realize that I was not myself and I was suffering from a disease that had control over my every action. I do not try to explain that to others because I doubt if they would understand it. Hell I am only beginning to understand it myself. I am a work in progress and forgiving myself and others is on the list. I used for a very long time and caused a lot of damage to myself. I am in the process of changing my whole life and it is not going to be easy but it must be done in order for me to move on and turn the page on this 35 year old chapter. I will continue as always to keep you posted on my day to day progress. I love you guys thank you to those who support and show love to the blog. Others well you know. I give it up to God I cannot control how others feel.
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Peace and Blessings