Just for today: In NA, I am among friends. I will reach out to others, giving and receiving in fellowship.
We feared that if we ever revealed ourselves as we were, we would surely be rejected…. [But] our fellow members do understand us.
Basic Text, p. 32
Hello and God Bless You.
I was reading the JFT and I said to myself wow its amazing that is just what I was thinking yesterday. I posted my story on my facebook group THE STRUGGLE yesterday and at first was a little skeptical but then I said to myself if anyone can understand what its like its the people who I talk to in the groups all day so why shouldn’t I post it and let them know who I am and where I am from. Well needless to say I have been getting nothing but positive feedback ever since and I am so grateful. I heard it said that you are only as sick as your secrets, well I am getting better because I am exposing my secrets on a daily basis. I used to be so concerned with how others would look at me or they are gonna talk about me and not like me. blah blah blah. That’s the same thinking that started all this bullshit in the first place. See when I was younger I used to worry about those same things and then started doing things so people would like me. One of the “things” I am talking about is drugs. I probably (and who really know if this next statement is true) would never have gotten mixed up in using, selling or stealing drugs if I wasn’t always trying to please somebody. I was more worried about fitting in than I was about my own health and well being. Looking back at it now I see that its crazy but back then I felt I needed to be liked. Although I haven’t fully gotten over that need today it is not as strong of a need and I have consequential thinking on my side. I don’t think anyone wants to be disliked but today I will not jump through hoops for you to like me.
I have learned that I am a pretty cool person. My self esteem is growing. I no longer hide my face when on the train or walking down the street. I do not feel ashamed of my appearance. I am beginning to LOVE myself. I definitely like who I am becoming and it can only get better right.. I owe all of this to my faith in God and to all of you. I pray to God to help me rid myself of the shame and embarrassment and God says to put it out there, once you do that it can no longer hurt you. So I share stuff and you guys share back and it makes me feel better. I feel relief knowing that I am not alone. I used to think nobody can understand what I have been through nobody cares. I know now that is not true. You do understand and care. I used to think I was unique and so different and to find out that there are so many people just like me is a major burden lifted off my shoulders. I can finally get rid of all this hurt and pain that I have been carrying around for all these years. Pain that has turned me into a very miserable and very angry person. I asked my coworkers a couple of weeks ago if they thought I was angry and mean and all of them said YES. That was a eye opener and I have been on a mission to change that ever since.
I love you guys more than you will ever know, because you except me for who I am and you help me in times of need when I cannot express things to anyone else. I am so happy to know you and chat with you and post and respond to your posts. It really helps me when I can help someone else and when someone else helps me I don’t feel so damn alone. Loneliness has been a major depressing point for me for a long time and I can honestly say I don’t feel lonely today. I am not afraid. I can share and get better one day at a time.
I would like to extend a special shout out to a very dear friend of mines who always has my back no matter what. She has been there for me since we first met over 13 years ago. MOCA I LOVE YOU BABY. THANK YOU FOR BEING A TRUE FRIEND.
Thank you for reading today’s blog post.
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Peace and Blessings.