EXCEPT THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE

74 DAYS CLEAN

Hello and God Bless You.

I have been noticing lately that I have been letting things bother me more than I should. I have been stressing and obsessing about things which I have no control over. I know the serenity prayer and I ask God to grant acceptance of things I cannot change but often I find myself wanting to do something to change certain situations that I have no control over. I am constantly faced with this problem at work. I have to deal with the public and there are times when I really want to give people a piece of the old me. I am struggling with this on a daily basis. I pray and it works for the most part but giving things up to God sometimes doesn’t seem to work. Its not that I doubt or have a lack of faith in God either. I know for a long time I did not believe in God. I blamed him for everything that ever went wrong in my life and this went on for the majority of my life. I do not feel that way today. I believe in God and I know that through him all things are possible. I know that he has brought me to recovery and he keeps me safe as long as I live by his will. I just struggle at times with it and I know that is the devil (my addiction) up to its old tricks to get me back.

I am and will always be sick but I don’t have to suffer. I am learning to monitor my actions and my behaviors and also my feelings. Sometimes my feelings get the best of me and I have to be careful because that is dangerous. I have a temper issue that has caused me many headaches in the past and I am working very hard to control it. I am not as bad as I used to be so I do not need anger management any more but it pops its ugly head every now and then. I have more control today than I ever did in the past thanks to my higher power.

I love writing in my blog and letting my feelings out on paper because it helps me to keep them in check. I also appreciate the feedback that I get because it gives me something to look at. I know myself better today because of working the steps and making meetings and being able to share and dump all the bad things but also talk about the good things too. I know that things will get better as long as I continue to practice what I am learning and applying it to my everyday life.

Ok that’s enough crying and complaining for one minute..Lol

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Peace and Blessings.

NAM

GIVE IT AWAY

73 DAYS CLEAN

We must give freely and gratefully that which has been freely and gratefully given to us.
Basic Text, p. 49
Just for today: The gift of recovery grows when I share it. I will find someone with whom to share it.

Hello and God Bless You.

Giving back. I remember ever since I can remember always taking, taking and taking some more. In active addiction giving someone something is almost unheard of. Unless of course they had something to give me in return and even then I still was skeptical. My self centeredness didn’t allow for much giving back. I mean I remember getting caught stealing something on camera and still refusing to give it back. Lmao. Insanity runs deep. Unfortunately that was only one example of many. Insanity runs really deep.

Today how ever I live by a different set of principals. The 3 which are indispensable. Honesty, Open mindedness and Willingness. You see for me I am just plain sick and tired of the bullshit. All the lying, stealing, cheating and everything else that goes along with it. So when I came into the rooms I heard “You can’t keep it unless you give it away” At first I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand how that worked because I was still closed. Now since I’ve been around for a little while and have been taking suggestions and applying the principles and doing step work I am beginning to understand how it works and why it is so important…and believe me it is very important.

In order not to be so wrapped up in myself I get involved with helping others. I do service, I help set up the meeting and clean up after and also do secretary on Wednesday’s at my home group. I try to be a good listener for people who need someone to talk to and try to offer sound advice. I get a great feeling whenever I help someone and of course I am helping myself to grow in the process at the same time. I learned how to be there for others just by working the program.

Through my higher powers will for me today I can be there for others.

It works if you work it.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

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Peace and Blessings.

NAM

POWERLESS

72 DAYS CLEAN

Do we understand that we have no real control over drugs?

Basic Text, p. 18

Just for today: I will take all the action necessary to practice the First Step. I truly believe it applies to me.

Hello and God Bless You.

In answer to the question at the top of the page. Yes I do. I understand it so much that I was not feeling good yesterday and I did not want to take anything. Eventually I took a tylenol and drank some Emergen C. But I am truly scared to take medicine because I have such an addictive personality.

There is no doubt in my mind that I am powerless or that my life had become unmanageable. If I decided to pick up I would not be able to stop. Opening that door would lead to unspeakable damage to myself and everyone around me. I would be lost in the grips doomed to the pain and misery that my addiction always causes. So I know that the first step applies to me.

I also know that if I do not continue to apply what I know and pray and have faith and work my steps and stay connected by making meetings, calling my sponsor and my network and visiting my online communities and sharing my pain I know all to well what will happen. I have been there, relapse is a part of my past and I do not wish for it to be a part of my future.

I have to monitor my attitudes and behaviors for I suffer from CRS Can’t Remember Shit. I seem to be able to forget very fast all the pain I went through. I am grateful today for having a loving God in my life to help guide me in this process. I am a work in progress today and I am grateful  that its progress and not regress.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

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Peace and Blessings.

NAM

SKIES THE LIMIT

70 DAYS CLEAN
Just for today: I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as Ill know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new.
We learn new ways to live. We are no longer limited to our old ideas.
Basic Text, p. 56
Hello and God Bless You.
Today I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as Ill know tomorrow. And I owe that to God and my sponsor.
Today was my sponsors 16 year anniversary. He celebrated with another member who has 20 years. I was afforded the opportunity to share my E.S.H. and it was awesome. I felt a energy in the room that was electric. I am truly grateful that I was able to share and let everyone know how my sponsor saved my life. I have no area with that because it is true. After my last relapse I gave up on myself and recovery. I had no intention of coming back to NA. I lost all hope that I could get and stay clean so I gave up, but my sponsor didn’t. He kept calling my phone and leaving messages. He kept telling he loved me and to come back to the group and how much my home group missed me. I know I would not be clean today had it not been for that support. I asked God for guidance and I have been doing so ever since. That was November 19, 2011 my clean date.
I have been moving forward and doing the work seriously ever since. I have a relationship with a higher power today and I pray for the guidance, courage and strength to live his will and not mines everyday and night. I am grateful for the relationship I have with my sponsor and with my homegroup. I am also grateful for my network and all my new friends from around the world online. With all this support I am getting and in return giving I am growing everyday and I am beginning to really like who I am becoming.
Todays experience is one that I will not forget and I will talk about for a long time. I am humbled and this is only going to help me in my recovery.
I LOVE NA.
Thank you all for being a part of my new life.
Thank you for reading today’s blog post.
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Peace and Blessings.
NAM

GROWING UP

68 DAYS CLEAN

Just for today:
I will find joy in witnessing the recovery of another.
We see it happening among us every day. This miraculous turnabout is evidence of a spiritual awakening.
Basic Text, p. 51

Hello and God Bless You.

I would like to say that I am witnessing a new comers recovery but I can’t. I am the youngest member in my home group. In reality I am witnessing a new comers recovery, MY OWN. I see a big difference in my own recovery today. Comparing tries this is my 4th time back and my 3rd time having over 60 days. The difference in my recovery this time is I have finally arrived. I say that to say I have finally surrendered. I have finally come to believe that I am totally powerless over my addiction. I realize that I cannot do this alone so I am reaching out for help. I have finally gotten honest with myself so now I can be honest with others. I have faith in a higher power / GOD. I always had a sponsor but I wasn’t utilizing him to guide me. I thought that I  could do this without him. I still had THE GREAT I AM syndrome. I am finally taking recovery seriously and I have noticed a change in the way I am behaving, thinking, responding to people and even in my sharing. I feel a passion bubbling inside of me that is bursting to come out. I am doing step work and calling and texting other recovering addicts daily.

I do not feel useless, hopeless or worthless. I am not thoughtless or careless today. I am not cured either. I have just come to a realization that this person is who I want to be. I heard Joel Osteen say once you should speak it as if it already is so that is what I do.  I have compassion for others and want to help others who may be struggling. I am a new comer but I have a lot of information and a lot to offer. In the process of helping others I will also be helping myself heal. You see I have never gave a damn about helping anyone unless it benefited me. I lived by that misguided rule for a long time and that was just a part of my self centeredness. Being locked inside my own head for so long I lost all touch with reality. So now that I can think somewhat clearer I realize that my approach to life all these years was totally off and all wrong. I am striving to become a better person one day at a time and I am taking suggestions of my predecessors and my sponsor.

I love the way I feel at this present time in my life and want to continue. Of course problems arise like the one yesterday. Sometimes I pass and deal with it maturely and other times I fail like yesterday. But I am learning. OK OK you want to know what happened yesterday. I was at the library and I was eating some pistachios and the security guard came over and said that I had to clean off the table and I couldn’t eat them in the library..Cool no problem. that should have been the end of it but then this so and so took it a step further and said YOU PEOPLE think you can do whatever you want. DAMN IT MAN. why the hell did she have to go there. I kinda lost it and then she tell me to SHUT UP and before I knew it the whole thing is blown up. I was asked to leave and well you get the picture. I know that I have anger issues and I also know that I should have handled it better than I did but I didn’t. I felt bad afterwards and for all the growth I have been making one little incident could have caused me major problems so I need to work harder at it.  So you see I can talk all day but I still have to monitor my behavior because it only takes a second and I go flip mode. SMH.

ONE DAY AT A TIME. ONE MINUTE AT A TIME SOME DAYS!

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Peace and Blessings.
 
NAM

ISOLATION

67 DAYS CLEAN

Just for today:
I am a part of the life around me. I will practice my program to strengthen my connection to my world.
Our disease isolated us… Hostile, resentful, self-centered, and self-seeking, we cut ourselves off from the outside world.
Basic Text, p. 4

Hello and God Bless You.

Wow Isolation.

I can remember those days like they were yesterday. In the beginning I used to be a fun person, always down to go to parties, movies, bowling, out to eat or wherever. I remember we used to plan out what we was gonna do that weekend. I used to hangout all the time. As time went on and my drug of choice switched from:
Alcohol
to Alcohol and Weed
to Alcohol, Weed and Coke
to Alcohol, Weed, Coke and Free Basing
to Alcohol, Weed, Coke,  Free Basing and Crack
to JUST CRACK and the occasional beer or two.
to INSANITY AND BEYOND.

I stopped hanging out, stopped going to the movies, bowling, out to eat etc. I stop talking to people, truth is I burned so many bridges nobody wanted anything to do with me. So my sick thinking was Fuck them, who needs them. The streets became my home. Drugs and drug dealers were my only friends.

I used to live, I lived to use I lost all hope, I didn’t care if I lived or died. I didn’t care about people either unless I felt I could manipulate you out of money to buy more drugs or con you out of drugs you already had or if I was really strung out its robbery time. I had no shame to my game and would hurt you if I had too. I also took risks that didn’t pay off and got myself hurt. I also lost my freedom on a couple of occasions. Life was not a fucking bowl of cherries. Anyway in the end I was all alone. I only had one friend in the whole world and she is still my best friend to this day. MOCA I love you baby more than you will ever know.

Today I have a brand new outlook on life. I have a new passion to become a better person. I am just sick and tired of being alone. I had enough of isolating myself, of killing myself. I’ve done a lot of damage and I am looking forward to fixing what’s broke and making new friends. I know now that this is a process that will take some time but I am willing to wait. One day at a time I will get better. I have a lot of work to do especially when it comes to my temper WHOA BOY. I have faith that I can combat that as well with the guidance and strength given to me from God. I now know that through God all things are possible.

I am not where I want to be, but I am no where near WHAT I used to be.

Thanks to Gods grace, my sponsor, my home group and  my network in person and online.

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Peace and Blessings.
 
NAM

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CHECKMATE

66 DAYS CLEAN

Just for today: I will examine the maintenance of my daily program of recovery.
Lack of daily maintenance can show up in many ways.
Basic Text, p. 95

Hello and God Bless You.

Today was a very hectic day at work. I can’t remember the last time I worked so hard. Also can’t remember the last time I felt so stressed out. I had to call on God several times today and use the serenity prayer more times than I ever did.

I think I was being tested by my addiction today, it was giving me a gut check to see if I was gonna crumble or cave in and get the Fuck Its.. Sorry to disappoint you Mr. Addiction but I don’t love you anymore. CHECKMATE SUCKER

Thank God for the guidance that got me through.

I have to be more careful because today I had a few H.A.L.T. symptoms. Angry and Tired. I stayed up watching the Giants game last night knowing I had to get up early. Not good. I need to stay on top of things because I see things have a way of getting out of hand quick.

I thank God for the growth I have gained that enabled me to continue to live his will for me and deal with todays life on lifes terms episode.

Thank you for reading today’s blog post.

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Peace and Blessings.

NAM

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NEVER TOO OLD TO LEARN

65 DAYS CLEAN

Just for today:
I will be a student of recovery. I will welcome challenges, confident in what Ive learned and eager to share it with others.
This is a program for learning.
Basic Text, p. 16

Hello and God Bless You

I came into recovery on January 22, 2011. I was sick and tired of the way my life was going and wanted to do something about it. I had hit rock bottom and wanted to die. I didn’t think that I could ever stop using and even when I came into the rooms still did not believe it. As a result of my lack of faith I relapsed several times (3X) I was stuck between two worlds. On one hand I wanted to change my life and stop the madness and on the other I wanted to change but didn’t want to stop using. I would get a little clean time and then right back out there. After a while I had to ask myself what I wanted, either stay and get clean or go and stay high. The choice was easy because I really wanted to change and stay clean.

I can look back to 1 year ago today and say wow I really thought that I was so smart. I thought that I knew it all and couldn’t nobody tell me anything. Today however I realize that I didn’t know diddly squat back then but today I know a little more than I did last year. One thing I can say about my relapses is that they taught me very valuable lessons. I learned some of my triggers, I learned about my disease and how cunning and sneaky and underhanded and manipulative it is. I learned to put more trust in God. I learned that I needed to have faith in myself and the process. I learned that through God all things are possible. I learned that no matter what my disease says to me its all a lie. I cannot do just one. Being slick and thinking no one will know is a lie because I will know. If I open the door to use just once I will stay out there for a while runnin and gunnin until I am tore down again. I learned that there are a lot of people just like me who really care. I learned that meeting makers make it. I learned that I cannot put anything in front of my recovery because the minute I stop working my recovery my relapse starts working me. I learned that I do care and can be compassionate and helpful to others. I learned that I am not the big bad person I always thought I was. I learned that drugs are not the problem or the solution. I learned how to share what I am going through honestly. I learned to be open to suggestions and I learned how to apply the principles to my everyday life. I also learned not to be so impatient with progress, that this is a process and it doesn’t happen overnight.  I learned a whole lot in 1 year.

I have to admit that some of that I already knew but just wasn’t applying any of it. Today I apply what I am learning in recovery to my everyday life and it feels great. I have to admit that I never thought it would work for me but that’s how my addict thinking works. I always think it wont work before I give it a chance. Today I don’t let that bullshit get in my way. I think positive and when I catch myself thinking negative I take a step back or a second to breathe and pray. I thank God for everything that I am experiencing today because before I had a spiritual awakening I was stuck in the vicious cycle of addiction and relapses. I am truly grateful for this learning experience.

SO CONTRARY TO THE OLD CLICHE

YOU CAN TEACH AND OLD DOG NEW TRICKS.

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Peace and Blessings.

NAM

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UNITY OLD VS. NEW

 64 DAYS CLEAN

Just for today:
I will strive to be a part of unity.
I know that unity does not equal uniformity.
Unity is a must in Narcotics Anonymous.
Basic Text, p. 63

Hello and God Bless you.
Well its finally snowing in NYC. I looked out my window this morning and saw snow and immediately thought I should go back to bed I don’t feel like going to a meeting.  Then I thought about how when I was using snow didn’t stop me from running back and forth to the spot or hanging out looking for trouble or whatever to get into. So I looked at my phone and the Just for Today spoke about Unity. Then it hit me, I never felt like I belonged anywhere and how the unity I see and feel in the rooms is one of the things that attracted me to NA. That plus the fact that I do this to save my life got me going to a meeting. The meeting was a anniversary for a brother with 14 years. Unity showing up again.

I  am grateful to be a part of a group of people who get together, network, share and hangout. But what’s really great is there’s no drugs, gun play or jail time involved. I think I like the new unity a whole lot better than my old perception of unity.

The more time passes by the more I can see and feel that what I always wanted I have finally found. I have tried many things to get clean jails institutions etc. Who would have known the last thing I tried would be the one thing that worked. Gotta Love It.

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Peace and Blessings.

NAM

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FREEDOM

63 DAYS CLEAN
Just for today: I have been promised freedom from active addiction. The gifts I receive are the benefits of recovery
Narcotics Anonymous offers only one promise, and that is freedom from active addiction…
Basic Text, p. 106

Hello and God Bless You.

FREEDOM from active addiction.
If you would have told me last year this time that I could be free from my active addiction I would have told you it was impossible. I used to think that I had it so bad that I could never stop. I was a firm believer in once and addict always an addict. I knew I was gonna die an addict but back then you couldn’t tell me I was a addict. I was just gonna die getting high. I used to say Imma get high till the day that I die. That was a rhyme I wrote. I even tagged it a couple of times too. Ohh I never told you guys that I used to be a graffiti artist. I used to creep in the tunnels and train yards spray painting trains and just about everything else.Oh boy that goes back to before I ever touched the hard stuff. That was back when getting high was fun. Yes I said it getting high USED to be fun.Then it became a fucking nightmare that I could not escape from. That is until I came to believe and started making meetings and sharing about my hurt, pain, joy, sorrow and anything else that’s on my mind.

I am truly thankful to Narcotics Anonymous because I can honestly say that I learned how to get in touch with my Higher Power God. I am also learning about my disease and I am getting in touch with feelings and learning how to identify them. I am also becoming more honest (becoming, this shit aint easy) I was a liar before I even started using so it will take some time but I am learning and working on it. I have changed so much in the past 2 months it amazes me. I have not used a mind or mood altering substance in 63 days. I am so proud of myself. I know that I am still very young and I am a new comer but I can say this with confidence that just for today I have been freed from the impulsive thinking and compulsive actions. I have no desire to use anything and it feels great.

Now I didn’t just get to this point magically. It took some slips and bumps on the head and a whole lot of ass kicking from my sponsor and home group. Unconditional Ass Kicking. I love my network for all the help they gave this hard headed, know it all, you can’t tell me nothing, Im gonna do it my way addict..Lol. whoo hooo. My way..that’s a joke. I found that out the hard way. My way does not work. So I had to take the suggestions and start a new way of life. I have to do what others before me are doing and I finally gave in and started doing it. I am doing it right now and I continue to do it everyday. I no longer live my will, I live by my higher powers will for me. I am a brand new person today and continue to grow everyday.

I am truly a miracle. I am truly happy with how my life is going right now and I be damn if I am going to jeopardize that for anything. I will do what it takes, I have to if I don’t I will die.

FREEDOM AIN’T FREE

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Peace and Blessings
NAM