40 DAYS CLEAN
Just for today: I accept that my feelings of depression wont last forever. I will talk openly about my feelings with my sponsor or another person who understands.
We are no longer fighting fear, anger, guilt, self-pity, or depression.
Basic Text, p. 27
Hello and God Bless You.
Today I ask myself what is my purpose in life. Honestly I couldn’t even answer that question. I know what my purpose used to be. In the past my only purpose was to survive and use day to day. Today using is not in the equation but I am struggling to find my true purpose. There is a lot of confusion when I think about this because I never actually cared about it. Now that I have a little clean time I wonder about things. All sorts of things. Sometimes my mind wanders over so many things its like the noise of a using mind. I wonder about being able to stay clean, will things get better, what will my life be like now that I am not using? That’s just a few of the thoughts that circulate in my mind. It’s times like these that make it difficult to focus on what I really want out of life. I try to remember to stay in the here and now, take life 1 day at a time, but it can be difficult. I share this at meetings and I am going to talk with my sponsor about it today. I do not want to overwhelm myself with these thoughts and then work up a imaginary fear knowing that fear is a dream killer. I think my addiction is once again trying to reek havoc and cause me to doubt myself so I will give up. I will not fall for that again.
So back to purpose. For now I will just say my purpose is to stay clean. I think that I shouldn’t be worrying about my purpose to much right now afterall I am only 40 days clean. I still have a long time ahead of me to figure out what my purpose in life will be. As a addict I always feel like I am not making progress and that starts a negative process which will eventually lead to relapse. So I am telling myself right now that I am making progress, and I am fulfilling my purpose in life just for today. Of course I have fear of failure and I still get depressed thinking about it but I am learning myself and how to push those negative thoughts out and push positive thoughts in.
Today I will not worry about my purpose in life and I will not fear failure. I am doing the best I can and that makes me a winner. God will help me find my purpose when the time is right so I will leave it up to God.
Thank you for reading today’s blog post.
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Peace and Blessings.