Just for today: God, please free me from self-will. Help me understand the principle of anonymity; help me to live selflessly.

Hello and God Bless.

I am grateful to God on this day for my life and everything in it. As I sit here in my living room alone I can’t help but think how things have changed for me this year. Last year at this time I was feeling really lonely and depressed and really didn’t want to live anymore. I was fed up with my life due to my addiction. I wanted all the pain and misery to end but was too much of a coward to commit suicide. Just like with everything else in my life I was looking for the easy way out, but the shortcut that I am so accustomed to would not come.

I remember thinking how I ruined my life and my relationship with my family all for the sake of using. I cried a lot thinking about the loneliness. I know that I had to do something to stop the madness.

Well here I am a year later, I have had my share of pain this year. I have relapsed 3 times and still to this day want to use. Knowing all the pain and misery associated with using I still have the urge to use. I think all the years of using has damaged me beyond repair. Insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results, what about doing the same thing when you know the results. Insanity times ten I guess.

I am struggling with recovery and I don’t really understand why. I mean this seems so simple. No matter what and if you don’t pick up..Simple right. Then why the HELL am I making it so Damn difficult..I know that my thinking is fucked up, I don’t process danger the way I should and that is scary. I will continue to fight the good fight. I will not take the easy way out, I will not be a coward when it comes to my recovery.

Thank you God for your guidance and for giving me the strength to stay clean this Christmas.