Just for today: I will open my mind to new ideas and learn to live my life in a new way.
I am trying very hard to keep an open mind and try new things but it is hard right now. My addiction is really fucking with me and it has me depressed to the point I wish I could lock myself in a closet. I am scared that i am going to fuck up and use. I have to work tomorrow I am off on Christmas and then back to work on Monday. 3 days next week I will be working overtime. Monday, Thursday and Friday. I am really trying to keep myself busy to keep my mind off of using. I am talking to people and sharing this every chance I get. I hate the holidays right now. I am not used to being clean and I am very uncomfortable right now.
On one hand the addict in me wants to use and on the other it wants these feelings to go away now, not in due time, not this too shall pass. I want this shit to go away NOW. I know that it is not easy to get and stay clean and as usual the addict in me wants the quick solution. Like I wish there was a magic pill or something or I could snap my fingers and be somewhere else..LOL IF ONLY.. I know that’s wishful thinking in fact I know that is not reality but can’t blame a brother for wishing.
I have been working really hard to stay clean, I am happy with the progress that I have made so far. I am seeing a change in me and I like it. But if I didn’t tell on myself and let people know that I also go through feelings of pain and discomfort then I am only hurting myself. I am tired of hurting myself. So I share the good times as well as the bad. I know this feeling shall pass and I am willing to wait it out. I haven’t got time for the pain, misery and suffering that will follow if I pick up..No Matter What.
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Peace and Blessings.