24 DAYS CLEAN
Just for today: I am grateful for my decision to become a member of Narcotics Anonymous.
Hello, Welcome and God Bless.
I have been in and out of the rooms of NA since January. That’s not to say that I never been to a meeting before it just I have become serious about getting clean this year. I have relapsed 3 times since I came through the doors and it has been a struggle to say the least. I have read and heard that the only requirement is the desire to stay clean. I have that desire and that is why I kept coming back and am still here. I consider myself a member of Narcotics Anonymous.
The basic text says there are 3 spiritual principles that are indispensable Honesty, Open mindedness and Willingness. Today I am talking about the HOW in my life.
For me honesty is a bit difficult. Using drugs for the majority of my life I have become accustomed to being a liar, cheat, thief and a manipulator among other things. I honestly admit that my life is unmanageable, I admit that I am an addict and that I am powerless over my addiction and other areas of my life. I can admit that I am scared of change, the thought of never using again terrifies me. I can admit that my thinking and my way of life did not work. So why the HELL do I still try to do things my way?
My subconscious thinking has yet to succumb to the idea of honesty and I catch myself at times being negative and dishonest. I try my best to stay on top of it but at times when I least expect it BAM it creeps up and out. I know that I am at the bottom of the hill on a long hard journey upwards and I am just learning to live this new way of life. Like I said change is scary and its hard. I will try harder and I will continue to pray for assistance from God for help in this area.
Open Mindedness & Willingness
I believe that I am pretty open minded when it comes to changing my life. Afterall my way does not work. I know this. I take suggestions (although I still need to learn to listen to the message and not want to kill the messenger) I read my basic text, I make phone calls and of course I make meetings. I try to make a meeting a day but unfortunately my schedule doesn’t allow for meetings on Sunday and sometime schedule changes keep me away from a weekday meeting. I think I am still doing fairly well on this because when I can’t make a meeting I use my other tools and I am always logged in to my online recovery communities. So I am willing to do what it takes to stay clean. Willingness and open mindedness have been the easier part because I sincerely want to change my life. I will not continue to live in the misery caused by my addiction.
Sometimes I think I am just too hard on myself but I have to be, because I know what happens when there are holes in my program. I relapse. I do not wish to be counting days for the rest of my life. If I’m lucky enough to survive.
So just for today. I Pray Hard, I Go Hard. I want to live a simi normal life.
Thank you for reading today’s blog post.
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Enjoy your day
PEACE AND BLESSING