22 DAYS CLEAN
Just for today: I dont have to be miserable unless I really want to be. Today, I will trade in my misery for the benefits of recovery.
I remember when I first started using, I used to be a weekend warrior. We would to go to parties every weekend and drink & smoke. Back then it was good times, fun filled many happy memories. It’s easy to remember the good times but that’s not what I am going to talk about today. Today its about the misery, the pain and suffering that came as a result of the constant use of drugs.
I started at a very young age. I was 9 years old when I had my first drink. My family would have get togethers and when someone put their drink down us kids would pick it up and drink it. Little did I know way back then that it would lead to me becoming an addict. By the time I was a twelve I was already an alcoholic. I would drink everyday and by then I was also smoking weed so I was double addicted by the time I was a teenager. Needless to say my addiction escalated and by eighteen I was sniffing coke still thinking that I was having a good time. In reality my life was already unmanageable, I had dropped out of school my first year of high school and started on the road to my distructive behaviors and patterns. I didn’t have a job so I turned to the streets to get money. I won’t go into details, let’s just say at first everything was going good but addiction is a funny disease. It makes you think things are better than they actually are. A couple of years goes by and I am sliding further down the slippery slope.
To make a long story short my life took a turn for the worse. I was totally addicted to substances, in and out of prison, in and out of meaningless jobs, in and out of relationships, hardly any contact with family, homeless for some of that time. I didn’t care about my hygiene, who I hurt, who hurt me I just didn’t care anymore. After a while the misery got to be too much and I started thinking about suicide. I wanted to die but couldn’t bring myself to do it, so I tried doing things so someone else would do it for me. I was hoping someone would kill me. I was really FUCKED up. Needless to say that didn’t work either so the suffering continued. I was lost, I hated myself and everyone, I thought I was destined to be on drugs for the rest of my life. This downwards spiral that started way back in 1976 lasted for almost 35 years.
Now its 2011 and although I have been struggling to stay clean this year. I have the desire to finally do something about my addiction. I am learning so much about addiction and about myself and its truly amazing. I know that I have a long hard fight ahead of me. I am beginning to love myself today. I have God in my life today. I have people who care about me because the can relate to my pain today. I don’t feel as miserable today as I did 3 weeks ago today. Things are starting to look up today. I am not high JUST FOR TODAY.
Thank you for reading todays blog post.
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Enjoy your day
PEACE AND BLESSING