19 DAYS CLEAN
Good morning I am grateful to be alive and clean today.
I’m sure everyone can relate to what I am about to talk about today. Since I stopped using I have been having drug dreams. Some of them are short lived, then there are others that are long drawn out, very visual and seem real. So real that I wake up in a sweat and I am not sure where I am. I know that its normal to have them but they still scare me because they seem so real. I have been having them off and on for the last 3 weeks and as a result I am not sleeping well. I am tired all day and it is starting to disrupt my thinking patterns. I’m having trouble concentrating and I am beginning to notice negative behaviors returning as a result. I am trying very hard to keep the focus on the here and now but it is becoming increasingly difficult as days go by.
OBSESSION & COMPULSION
I have been praying extra hard to God to help me defeat this enemy and to give me courage and strength. I have faith that this too shall pass, but I have to share this. I have been wanting to use as a result of these dreams. It’s almost like I can taste it and smell it. My stomach has been doing summersalts lately and on top of that my disease is trying to take advantage of this moment of weakness. I hear the negative voice telling me to go ahead you can do one, nobody will know. Ugghhhh. How many times have I heard that one. I have been a victim of that voice too many times and I know better today. I know that I have no control over drugs and although I am 19 days clean my life is still unmanageable. The disease wants me to think that I can control this and to be dishonest about it. I have been there and done that before and the results of that dishonesty is I’m back 19 days. So I’m learning not to act off the obsession and becoming compulsive and totally out of control.
I have a proven track record of past failures believing the bullshit that my negative thoughts try to tell me. I don’t wish to make those same mistakes again. So today I take steps to avoid that trap. I share these feelings in meetings, with my sponsor, with my network and right here on my blog. I am grateful for all of these different outlets today. I know that keeping quiet is deadly so I expose my monster.
Thank you for reading today’s blog post.
Have a safe and blessed day.
Peace and Blessings.