13 DAYS CLEAN
This morning I went to a meeting and the topic was courage. It was a good meeting a lot of feed back
LOST AND HOPELESS
I wake up in the morning and I thank God for waking me up and pray for strength and courage to change. For a long time I didn’t think I would ever change. The truth is I didn’t think I could. I had been doing the same things expecting different results for most of my life and had settled into the thoughts that it would be like this forever. I had no faith, no program, and no one. I was alone in my own head and traveling down the path of destruction. I was miserable and made others miserable. I was a scared little boy who never learned how to be a responsible, mature person. I had no goals and aspirations no direction and quite frankly no purpose. I lived to use and used to live. Deep down inside I wanted to change but didn’t even know where to begin. I felt confused I felt like a stranger on a distant planet or better yet I felt like the only person on a planet. Now that I think about it life back then was truly sad. I remember people trying to help me but I was too scared to take anyone’s advice so I continued to die a slow death. I can remember wishing I was dead. I just couldn’t stand the way my life was going. I hated to look at myself in the mirror so I would avoid mirrors. I would walk down the street talking to myself as to avoid making eye contact or having to talk to anyone. I was ashamed, embarrassed, lonely, confused and on the brink of destruction. As I said before I wanted to die but just couldn’t pull the trigger. I was a coward I wanted to but couldn’t kill myself.
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN.
When I came into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous I was defeated, broken, lost, scared. I didn’t know what was going to happen but I knew that I had to do something to end all the pain and suffering that I was experiencing. I sat and listened, I heard somethings like, give yourself a break, keep coming back, one day at a time I became interested. I sat there and listened to people telling things about themselves that I didn’t think I would ever tell anyone myself. I was amazed. Then at the end of the meeting I heard the Serenity Prayer and it spoke to me. I was even more interested because that’s what I was looking for. I finally had an idea of what it was I wanted. Then someone said to me keep coming back and they gave me a hug. I was a little shook because it had been a very long time since anyone hugged me. It felt good. That was a few years ago but I never forgot that. Unfortunately I didn’t get the message back then and continued to use. Needless to say my addiction got worse. I can remember last year on Thanksgiving sitting in my house crying and feeling very lonely because I was not with my family. I had been on a binge and used the whole week and by Thanksgiving day I was dead broke with no food in my house and feeling sorry for myself. I was depressed and wanted to end it all. I started thinking about what I could do. First thoughts of killing myself, Nah.. then thoughts of going into treatment, Nah. There had to be a way for me to get better without having to go away. Then it hit me NA. I looked up meetings on my phone and found one that was easy to get to. I worked out a schedule of meetings that I would attend and that was all I did. The next time I got some money I was back off to the races again. This went on through December and most of January.
A DOSE OF COURAGE
On my birthday Jan 20 I made a decision it was time. I got up the courage two days later and showed up at my first NA meeting January 22, 2011. I was welcomed with hugs and people treated me with respect. I listened to people share and felt like I was a part of the group. I came back the next day and the day after that. I started to feel comfortable there. I finally got the courage to share. I shared some of my story and nobody looked at me like I had 3 heads. I felt good. I continued to share each time taking a risk. I finally belonged somewhere where people didn’t judge me. WOW. that was big. As time went on and I gained more and more courage to share and started doing step work things where changing in my life. Long story short I began to put other things in front of my recovery and I relapsed after having 62 days clean. I came right back into the rooms the next day. I got right back up on the horse so to speak. I know now that it took courage for me to come in out of the cold and ask for help. It also took courage for me to come back after not 1 relapse but 3 this year. I know that it is not easy talking about things and it takes courage to share personal stories. I also know that change is scary and it takes courage to change. It takes courage and strength to come to meetings day in and day out and unload all the garbage that has been buried for so long, but I am willing today to take that risk. I know that it is going to hurt me more to keep it in than it will to let it go.
Today I take healthy risks. I am back from my last relapse God willing. I have the courage to continue in this process and yes I know it is a process that will take the rest of my life. I am learning myself more an more and one thing I have learned is the more I share the better I feel. I have no area sharing and I look forward to sharing when I go to meetings. It also takes courage to call people when you are in trouble and if I ever find myself in trouble again I know how to use the phone my sponsor and some of my network make sure of that by having me call them everyday. Now I call others that I have just met even if its just to say Hello. I dial and don’t file..I have the courage and continue to gain more and more courage as time goes on. I came back from this relapse with a sense of purpose and it is motivating me to follow the suggestions to the best of my ability today. Thanks to my higher power and my network I have faith that I can do this.
GOD GIVES ME COURAGE
GOD grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change
The COURAGE to CHANGE the things I can
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
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