DAY THREE

Good morning,

A quick update about my new journey. I was successful at not using again yesterday. I had a great day. I am practicing my new good habits and so far everything is working fine. I listen to my positive podcast for reinforcement when I start to falter. None of this would be possible if not for the love of my higher power which I choose to call God.

PRAISE
I thank God for waking me up this morning and for guiding my step and thoughts. Also for giving me the strength and courage to continue in my journey. I am truly grateful for everything I have. I would not be here if not for the love of God, because he loves me unconditionally especially when I am unable to love myself.

I KNEW IT
As I mentioned yesterday my cell phone was cut off this morning. I knew it was going to happen but I still feel disappointed because I could have avoided it but chose to use instead. Now I have to call them and see if they will give me an extension until Wednesday. Now I have to humble myself. When in reality all I had to do is pay the damn bill when I had the money, Instead I called and made payment agreements 3 weeks straight. I did what I did because I was caught in the grips of my addiction and didn’t care. Now that things are a little different I’m mad at my cell carrier..Insane ain’t it. I will keep you posted.

EXTENSION
Well I called and got a payment extension so that worked out. I cannot afford to be without my phone. No more playing around I have to make sure I pay my Damn bills.

TIME TO PUT IN WORK
I am going to make the 6:30 meeting tonight after work, its long overdue. I need to share. I have a lot on my mind. Hey meeting makers make it right. I’m actually excited.

Attitude
Just when my day was going so well my attitude kicks in. Out of nowhere we got swamped with jobs and this new guy is moving slow and standing around doing nothing. I got really agitated and started bossing his ass around. My temper was flaring and I took it out on him. Oh boy. I gotta be careful because that’s a sign. I know that one well.

NA
Well I made it. I’m here early. I feel funny being here again instead of still. But just like urges its just a feeling and it will pass. This time when I work the steps and stick around I won’t feel funny anymore. I will do what is necessary to maintain my clean time. Whatever it takes, I have to do it because I will die if I don’t. I’m an addict and I admit that. I will take it one day at a time and learn who I am and forgive myself for my past. The past is past and I must learn to leave it there. Today’s topic was humility. I shared that I don’t really know much about it, I also talked about how I never grew up, that I started so young and ran for so many years that I never learned how to live or to deal with my feelings. I took notes and shared that I will start to take them internally, and analyze what I am reading and writing. Lord help me.

Home Sweet Home.
Well I’m home from my meeting. I want to thank God for guiding me in my journey today and keeping me safe and drug free another day. Good night. Until tomorrow. Peace be with you.

DAY TWO

PRAISE
I thank God for waking me up this morning. I am grateful for life today, I am thankful for everything God has done for me. I am grateful to God for keeping me clean and clearing my mind so I can hear and obey his will for me. Grateful for the new found strength I am experiencing this morning.

GRATITUDE
I feel great, I am happy this morning. I feel like a burden has been lifted. I have one day clean and I am loving it. It’s a new beginning. I am ready to move on, I am excited about life again. I do not feel depressed, sad, lonely. I feel like I can do anything. I will live my life from here on one day at a time.

The Power of I Am
I’m at work and I feel amazing. I’m happy. I listened to Joel Osteen this morning the message is The Power of I Am. Very positive message about you are what you tell yourself you are. So today
I AM
Strong, Smart, Blessed, Happy, Spiritual, Motivated, Determined, Successful, Healthy and above all I am God’s Creation. So I am automatically set on high. Today I have a new outlook on my life and its all good.

Wreckage of my usage
I am glad that the obsession to use has been lifted if only temporary, I am not that stupid to think that all will be a bed of roses from here on. I know that I have a long hard fight ahead of me. I used for a long time and did a lot of damage. Repair is not going to be easy but it will get easier as time goes on. The more recent damage I need to work on is my cable bill, and even more important my cell phone bill. I neglected to pay it and its past due. I’m sure its gonna get cut off tomorrow, so I’m gonna be without my cell for a few days. The good news is I didn’t credit no drugs this weekend and I don’t owe anything from my next check. I will pay my cell bill and move forward. That’s just one of the prices I paid for my usage. Wreckage is a mother ain’t it.

Home Sweet Home
I thank my higher power God for guiding my steps and getting me home safe and drug free. Thank you for another day. I will talk to you guys tomorrow.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

Thank my Higher Power
I thank God for waking me up this morning. I am grateful for everything God has done for me in the past, the present and will do for me in the future. I pray for strength and courage to combat my enemy.

Return of Urgency
Today is the beginning of the end. I have truly had enough. Time to get back on my journey. I am sick and tired of living this crazy roller coaster ride. I can honestly say that the urgency is back. I woke up this morning feeling really down, but I’m not going to let that be the way my day is going to go. I am looking forward to putting this bullshit behind me. I am looking forward to better days.

Bottoms Up
Rock bottom has once again showed its ugly face in my life. I don’t understand how knowing what I know I continue to do the same dumb shit. It’s frustrating to say the least. I am trying to keep a positive attitude but it’s hard to do because of the guilt, embarrassment, loneliness, feelings of regret and everything else that is going through my head right now. Fuck that I aim to rid myself of all the negativity that keeps me going down the drain. I know that I have no control therefore I turn it over to my higher power. I’m sick, I feel like nobody understands me but I know a place where people do understand and I am going to get there ASAP. I need a Meeting.

Still Struggling
As you can see from my past post I am up one minute and down the next and I have been procrastinating when it comes to making my meetings, all that stops today. I am done just talking about it without putting in some work. I am at work right now posting here on my blog and I am reading my NA book on my phone. I need to start somewhere so I will control how my day goes with positive reinforcement from the big book. I will do what it takes today to change my outlook on life.

WHY
That is a question I ask myself at least 100 times a day and the crazy thing is I still haven’t come up with an answer. I cannot understand what it is that makes me do this knowing the end result. Insanity runs deep. My thought patterns are off. No way off. I have to learn to change the way I think, what I think about and how I respond to the things that I am thinking.

Attitudes and Behaviors
I know the drill. I have to change the people I play with, the places I play and the things I play with so to speak but you get the drift. I know that this is not a game and I am not at play. I have been a lying, stealing, cheating, close minded, not willing, isolating, grumpy, lonely, sad, depressed, angry and just plain distant person for a long time. It is not going to be easy to change. I read that old habits are hard to break but not impossible. I have to replace the old bad habits with new good habits and stick to it in order for it to become a habit. That is something I have not been doing, I haven’t stayed on a new habit long enough for it to form. I will work harder on that.

Cravings and impulsiveness
Well its the end of the day, my work day is almost over and of course the cravings are starting. Its been the norm for me lately to say in the morning “man I am done” and “that was the last time”. I even said it this morning, but by the end of the day I would get the cravings and give in. NOT TODAY. The thoughts have crossed my mind quite a few times today but I truly had enough. Its time to take a stand and beat those cravings back with a pipe. I have to do better and try harder to get this under control and that starts today. In the past I have always just acted of impulse, took the thoughts and ran with them. Right now I am fighting the thoughts and replacing them with positive thoughts. I CAN AND WILL DO THIS. I CAN STOP. I WILL GET BETTER. So here I am telling on my disease because that is what was suggested that I do.

Home Sweet Home
I am gonna take this time to thank my higher power God for getting me home safe and drug free. Also for guiding me today on my journey, helping me to do his will and not mines. I am truly grateful that God has helped me to avoid the pitfalls that have plagued me the last couple of weeks. In Jesus name Amen.
Have a good night. I will talk to you again tomorrow.

FAILURE TO LAUNCH

First and foremost I want to thank God for waking me up this morning.
Well once again I say one thing and do another. Sometimes I feel like I have no control over my actions. I know what I want to do but I am having difficulty getting started. I’m having a failure to launch. I am not a stranger to this. Procrastination is a well known friend of mine. It’s a bad habit that I know I need to work on. If I don’t one day it will kill me.
So I messed up yesterday, I am not going to let that keep me down. I’ve got to get up in order to be able to move on. I need to stop saying what I’m going to do and just do it. Who am I kidding. If it was that easy it would’ve been done already right? Anyway I have to try to maintain a positive attitude.
So I’m not going to keep kicking myself, it just not worth it. Instead I’m telling myself its going to get better. I have to do better, try harder like my sponsor just said to me. I need to stop isolating and get on with my life.
The problem is PROCRASTINATION:
I know what I want to do and I know what I need to do. The problem with me is doing it. Its BAD HABIT #1. I am trying to develop new GOOD HABITS to take over for the BAD ones but its not easy. I know that it must be done and just like with everything else its going to take time, hard work and patience. I will practice this everyday until it becomes a reality. Its been said that a habit takes 21 days or more to develop so today is day 1. Wish me luck..lol I will keep you posted on my progress.

SHOWTIME

Good afternoon, First and foremost I thank God for waking me up and allowing me to see another day. I pray for knowledge, wisdom and guidance in my daily journey.
Today is my day off from work and I am home watching tv. I know that I should be doing something more recovery related so I decided to read some literature and log in to my recovery websites. I made a decision to get my life on track. I am tired of the insanity so its time to put in the work. I haven’t been to a meeting in weeks but I plan on going to my home group tomorrow.
I know that meetings are going to be a very important part of my recovery so its time to start making them again. I have been putting it off for 3 weeks enough is enough.
I am truly grateful to my sponsor. He helps me when I am unable to help myself, he hasn’t given up on me although I gave up on myself. That has always been my problem. When things get tough I give up. That is a bad habit that I am determined to break. It has been the main reason for my relapses and I have to figure out why and break the cycle. I am not getting any younger so there is no time like the present.
Procrastination is another bad habit that I need to work on. I put things off (making a meeting 3 weeks) and before I know it a month or two goes by, or my bills are past due. That’s just 2 examples I could go on but you get the picture. I have to maintain a steady schedule and form new good habits to replace the old bad ones. I am not going to over do it though. I don’t want to overwhelm myself and then quit. I know that, that can and will happen. I have to remember also to take life 1 day or even 1 minute at a time or I am doomed to repeat.
Time for change is now. The more I think about it the more I want to do it. The holidays are just around the corner and I don’t want to miss them again. I haven’t spent time with my family on Thanksgiving and Christmas in a very long time. I just want to be regular. Do what normal people do. I’ve been a ghost for too long.

GRATITUDE

Good morning, I thank God for waking me up this morning. I was just thinking about gratefulness. About how I have taken for granted just about everything in my life and how ungrateful I used to be and at times still am. I used to complain about any and everything not realizing how lucky I am to have what I have. And how I never thanked anyone for anything that I have.
I like to always start my day with thanking God for waking me up. This is a new habit that I am cultivating that actually started this year. (My first year trying to get clean.) I started this as a result of making meetings and taking the suggestions that I heard.
Growing up I used to go to church with my Mom but never really got what it was about, later on mom used to send us to Sunday school but just like regular school I would play hookie and not go. Instead I would wind up at my friends pigeon coop or anywhere else and we would sit around and do everything we wasn’t supposed to be doing. I didn’t like church or Sunday school and resented my mother for making me go.
I never really got the principal of spirituality, but I am open and willing to try.
Today I am trying to be more open-minded about things, I’m willing to try new things and I don’t or at least try not to complain as much about trying new things. One of the new things I am trying is listening to podcast by Joel Osteen. He is a preacher from Houston Texas and he has a t.v. show that comes on Sunday mornings. I go to his website and download his podcast every Sunday and I listen to them over and over. I have about 5 of his podcast to date on my Evo.
So this morning while I am riding the train I am listening and he is talking about giving God praise. He said giving praise in good times was easy, it’s when times are tough that’s when you should really give praise. Instead of always complaining to God how this is not working or how this is not right or that is not right, we should thank him for the things that  are going right in our lives. That is something I never did. I am a complainer. I’ve always been a complainer. That’s part of my problem. I always look at what’s not right with my life and dwell on that. I need to start being thankful for what is going good in my life and build on that. Stop focusing on the negative and focus on the positive.
That’s where I am today. I will start to look at the good in my life and stop dwelling on the bad things. I truly believe that my attitudes and behaviors will change for the better if I stick with this. So this is my new habit for today.
BEGIN TO THINK POSITIVE.
I am trying to develop new habits to replace the old habits. This is going to be a process I know, but I’m ready to try this to begin to live a better life. Wish me luck. I will keep you posted on my progress of course right here in my blog.
Oh damn damn damn, that last all of 2 1/2 hours..lmao I just caught myself resorting back to my old attitudes & behaviors, I just got an attitude with the co-manager and after the fact felt bad. I need to breathe easy and think before I re-act or its going to get me in trouble again. Phew I escaped this time but who knows next time I might not be so lucky..I’ll keep you posted..

A NEW DAY

Although my situation hasn’t changed I feel really good today.
I woke up this morning with the feeling that today is going to be a great day. I feel confident that change is coming. I know that things have to change for the better and there is no time like the present.
First and foremost I want to give praise to God for waking me up this morning and for keeping me safe. I want to thank God for his guidance and the strength he has given me to carry on, even in the worst of circumstances. I am grateful for my life today and I have a lot to be thankful for.
Starting today I am going to recognize all the good things that happen in my life and be grateful for them. I am done with feeling sorry for myself and feeling hopeless. Screw that.
The problem with that is I don’t know how to keep this good feeling. I am trying to maintain a positive outlook and keep positive thoughts. Unfortunately I have had such a negative Outlook on my life for so long that its hard to keep positive. I am trying to start a new habit. Telling myself positive things, thinking positive when I can and when I can’t I listen to positive podcast. I am also getting in the habit of listening to NA speaker tapes.
I am trying very hard to keep a positive outlook but sometimes dealing with other peoples attitudes makes me want to go off the deep end. Where I work I deal with rude, stubborn, selfish customer who only think of themselves..(Reminds me of me in my active addiction). They don’t want to move out of your way, they act like they rule the world sometimes. lol. I have to laugh to keep from blowing a gasket. I will keep my cool though

OBSESSION

MY CURRENT STATE OF MIND IS CLOUDED. I’M AM UNABLE TO THINK CLEARLY DUE TO THE FACT THAT I AM OBSESSED WITH THOUGHTS OF USING. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THE END RESULT. THAT’S THE CRAZY PART, KNOWING WHAT YOU KNOW AND DOING IT ANYWAY. TALK ABOUT INSANITY. SMH. I FEEL LIKE I DON’T HAVE ANY CONTROL AT ALL. IT’S LIKE ONCE THE THOUGHT POPS INTO MY HEAD I CAN’T GET RID OF IT. MY ACTIONS START TO REVOLVE AROUND THE THOUGHT. CRAZY AIN’T IT. BRB.
AIGHT NOW LET’S TALK ABOUT INSANITY CHECK THIS OUT. I CAME HOME FROM WORK AND GOT ME A TASTE DUDE DIDN’T HAVE ANYMORE SO I SAID FUCK IT 1 WILL DO AN HOUR LATER I’M CALLING EVERYBODY I KNOW TRYING TO GET ME ANOTHER 1. I’M RIDING AROUND LITERALLY LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO GOT SOMETHING. NOW I’M STANDING HERE WAITING LOOKING LIKE A FUCKIN FOOL. I SWEAR THE SHIT I GO THROUGH TO FEED THIS MONSTER. SMH…GOD HELP ME TO GAIN CONTROL OVER MY THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS AND HELP ME GET BACK INTO THE ROOMS OF NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS..IN JESUS NAME I PRAY. AMEN.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

IM GETTING TIRED OF THIS. IT IS TIME FOR CHANGE. I CANNOT KEEP GOING ON THIS WAY. I HAVE TO GET SERIOUS ABOUT GETTING CLEAN. I HAD A TERRIBLE TIME AS USUAL AFTER I STARTED GETTING HIGH. PARANOIA IS A MOTHER FUCKER. SITTING THERE LISTENING FOR SOME INVISIBLE GHOST TO COME AND FEELING STUPID THE WHOLE TIME.
NOW I’M AWAKE TRYING TO GET MYSELF READY FOR ANOTHER DAY, FEELINGS OF GUILT, ANGER, PITY, FOOLISH, LONELINESS AND REGRET FILL MY HEAD. I’M WONDERING HOW THE HELL DO I KEEP ENDING UP IN THIS SAME SITUATION TIME AND TIME AGAIN. I CAN’T FUNCTION I CAN’T STAND TO LOOK AT MYSELF SOMETIMES. I JUST WANT THE NIGHTMARE WHICH IS MY CURRENT LIFE TO END.
I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO. TIME TO PUT IN THE WORK. IT’S BEEN SAID THAT MEETING MAKERS MAKE IT, SO I’M READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY. ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN THIS. SO I’M GOING TO START TODAY TO MAKE A MORE CONSCIOUS EFFORT TO REMAIN CLEAN AND SOBER. STARTING TO DAY I WILL START TO PUT IN THE WORK THAT IS NECESSARY TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE. I WILL READ THE LITERATURE WORK THE STEPS  AND PRACTICE TAKING IT EASY ONE DAY AT A TIME. I HAVE TO, THIS IS MY LIFE AND I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR IT.
I WILL KEEP YOU INFORMED OF MY PROGRESS AS THE DAY GOES ON, BECAUSE I KNOW ME I FEEL THIS WAY NOW AND LATER THE OBSESSION WILL KICK IN AND I WILL BE FEELING ANOTHER WAY. I MUST REMAIN STRONG SO I PRAY TO GOD FOR HIS GUIDANCE AND KNOWLEDGE OF HIS WILL FOR ME AND THE POWER TO CARRY IT OUT.