Good morning, I wake up in the morning and I thank God for another day. I also ask my Higher Power to guide me on my day to day journey, to keep me safe and out of harms way. I also pray for the still sick and suffering addicts inside and outside the rooms.
Today I will be talking about 3 aspects of my addiction. Now I want to be very clear about this. What I post on my blog are my feelings and are no way meant to be a guide to recovery. I write how I see things and how they affect me. You might not agree with it, it might not be the way you see things and that’s cool. You can post your reply at the bottom of every blog post. Now with that being said.
Physical & Mental
Compulsive behavior is common with me. I have been known to go on binges for days unable to stop once I’ve started using. Chasing after that first hit and never quite getting it but continuing any way because I couldn’t stop. The uncontrollable urges were so powerful that I could not think about anything else. The desire to continue even though I knew the outcome of my actions. Every waking moment spent on the using and finding ways and means to use some more. Even after all my money was gone. I remember doing things to get more that I wouldn’t dream of doing if I were not high. I did 2 state bids and countless city bids because of this. I hurt not only myself but any and everyone who crossed my path. My destruction was of a major scale. It wasn’t enough to just burn bridges, I had to blow them up, napalm the debris and then wash the ashes away with a tsunami. The wreckage of my past has haunted me day and night for the last 30 years and I have to learn to let go of the past if I am going to ever be able to move forward.. So now that I can think a little clearer I am grateful today because I am learning new things about addiction. The first and most important piece of information is IF I DON’T PICK IT UP..I CAN’T GET HIGH..Priceless
Self Centered Me Me Me
Its amazing how what I used to think was normal behavior I am finding out it was part of the madness known as addiction. I used to think that the reason I like being alone is because everybody was a bunch of fake ass phoney mother fuckers. That I was better off alone at least that way I didn’t have to share with anyone. Plus nobody could ever hurt me again. That I was better than everybody else. I was sick and tired of being around people in the end. I would be all alone just the way I liked it. (Or so I thought I liked it) My life turned into a very lonely existence. I remember crying myself to sleep on many occasion. I remember not having any friends that I could call if I was hurt or in trouble. My addiction caused me to think that everyone else was the problem so I isolated, I locked myself away into my own world. Everything was about me, fuck everybody else. I remember thinking that I can do what ever I want without anybody to tell me different. I also remember thinking how every time I went somewhere how I felt like everyone was talking about me or looking at me. I remember how I abandoned my family members. I just disappeared off the face of the earth. My mother, father, brothers nobody knew where I was and if I was ok. I didn’t care. I was locked in the self centered world of me. Nothing else mattered to me but what I wanted. Not even family.
I never thought that I would change. I always thought once and addict always an addict. I am beginning to see that I can be a different person. I am beginning to experience a new found hope. I have faith and I pray all day. I never used to do that. I know that I still have a very long way to go but I am open to this new way of life. I mean after all I have to do something.. I am also beginning to like myself. I cannot say love just yet but I am getting there. Thank God for change. I am learning to move out of my own way and let my God drive. Who would have guessed…Thanks for reading today’s blog entry. Have a wonderful day.