THE BEGINNING OF THE END


Thank my Higher Power
I thank God for waking me up this morning. I am grateful for everything God has done for me in the past, the present and will do for me in the future. I pray for strength and courage to combat my enemy.

Return of Urgency
Today is the beginning of the end. I have truly had enough. Time to get back on my journey. I am sick and tired of living this crazy roller coaster ride. I can honestly say that the urgency is back. I woke up this morning feeling really down, but I’m not going to let that be the way my day is going to go. I am looking forward to putting this bullshit behind me. I am looking forward to better days.

Bottoms Up
Rock bottom has once again showed its ugly face in my life. I don’t understand how knowing what I know I continue to do the same dumb shit. It’s frustrating to say the least. I am trying to keep a positive attitude but it’s hard to do because of the guilt, embarrassment, loneliness, feelings of regret and everything else that is going through my head right now. Fuck that I aim to rid myself of all the negativity that keeps me going down the drain. I know that I have no control therefore I turn it over to my higher power. I’m sick, I feel like nobody understands me but I know a place where people do understand and I am going to get there ASAP. I need a Meeting.

Still Struggling
As you can see from my past post I am up one minute and down the next and I have been procrastinating when it comes to making my meetings, all that stops today. I am done just talking about it without putting in some work. I am at work right now posting here on my blog and I am reading my NA book on my phone. I need to start somewhere so I will control how my day goes with positive reinforcement from the big book. I will do what it takes today to change my outlook on life.

WHY
That is a question I ask myself at least 100 times a day and the crazy thing is I still haven’t come up with an answer. I cannot understand what it is that makes me do this knowing the end result. Insanity runs deep. My thought patterns are off. No way off. I have to learn to change the way I think, what I think about and how I respond to the things that I am thinking.

Attitudes and Behaviors
I know the drill. I have to change the people I play with, the places I play and the things I play with so to speak but you get the drift. I know that this is not a game and I am not at play. I have been a lying, stealing, cheating, close minded, not willing, isolating, grumpy, lonely, sad, depressed, angry and just plain distant person for a long time. It is not going to be easy to change. I read that old habits are hard to break but not impossible. I have to replace the old bad habits with new good habits and stick to it in order for it to become a habit. That is something I have not been doing, I haven’t stayed on a new habit long enough for it to form. I will work harder on that.

Cravings and impulsiveness
Well its the end of the day, my work day is almost over and of course the cravings are starting. Its been the norm for me lately to say in the morning “man I am done” and “that was the last time”. I even said it this morning, but by the end of the day I would get the cravings and give in. NOT TODAY. The thoughts have crossed my mind quite a few times today but I truly had enough. Its time to take a stand and beat those cravings back with a pipe. I have to do better and try harder to get this under control and that starts today. In the past I have always just acted of impulse, took the thoughts and ran with them. Right now I am fighting the thoughts and replacing them with positive thoughts. I CAN AND WILL DO THIS. I CAN STOP. I WILL GET BETTER. So here I am telling on my disease because that is what was suggested that I do.

Home Sweet Home
I am gonna take this time to thank my higher power God for getting me home safe and drug free. Also for guiding me today on my journey, helping me to do his will and not mines. I am truly grateful that God has helped me to avoid the pitfalls that have plagued me the last couple of weeks. In Jesus name Amen.
Have a good night. I will talk to you again tomorrow.

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