STRUGGLE

I don’t know what the Fuck is wrong with me. Every day I say I’m going to stop and by the end of the day I go and pick up. I swear I feel at times that I would be better off dead. I am so fucking depressed and so fed up with the way my life is going. I know that I need to make meetings and I keep saying tomorrow, tomorrow never comes. I have to turn this around before I go insane and just give up. I don’t want to give up. I want to live. I need help.
Today is friday. Another trigger day for me. I know what needs to ne done but I’m caught up in the grips of my addiction. This Shit is killing me. Ughh. Why me. I’m feeling the self pity, the loneliness, not worthy of a good life, but deep down inside I know I deserve better. I will defeat this.
I wish there was some magic pill but that’s only wishful thinking. I know I cannot defeat this without putting in the work. I have to stop kidding myself and get down to business. I have knowledge of how recovery works so I need to start making meetings again. For now I’m struggling but not for long. God willing I will find the strength.
Unfortunately I wont be finding strength today, I am already planning out my night of using. I divided the money and already have a plan. My stomach is bubbling and i cannot wait to get off work. Sad aint it. I pray that this is the last. I am starting to think that i cannot do this. I need to seek help. The things I go thru in my addiction. SMH