I can remember when I was younger we used to go to church with my mother. I can honestly say that I never saw the point in it. I actually hated going to church. When I got a little older my mother would send us to Sunday school. Again I could not make the connections necessary to understand any of it. I guess that I just didn’t believe. After a while my mother stopped making us go. Later in life I doubted all together that there was a god because if there was a god how could he let me go through all the turmoil that I had gone through. Plus with all the crazy things that was happening around the world, if there was a god why would he let those things happen. So I brushed off any belief in god. I remember my grandmother used to always say you better pray, I would say for what there is no such thing as god. My life was a living hell and continued to get worse year after year. I couldn’t understand why I had to be made to suffer the way I was. I became a very bitter person. I had no belief system what so ever.
Later in life someone told me to pray so I tried it on a couple of occasions and needless to say my prayers were never answered. That just made my belief that god didn’t exist even stronger. So I totally gave up on any idea of god. That is until I found myself in certain situations then I would call on god..You know “God if you get me out of this…I’ll do that”. I’m sure as addicts a lot of people can relate to that. But again my prayers where never answered. I totally lost all faith and by this time I was so deep into negativity that I was on a day to day basis with the devil. I was locked into negative behaviors and saw no way out of this destructive pattern. I was hopeless.
As time went by and things just kept getting worse, I began to believe that there was something out there. Some kind of power out there but I could not tell you what. I only knew that something or someone had been sparing my life. For some unknown reason something out there just would not let me die like I wanted to. I hated myself, my life and everyone. I was a miserable person. I have done a lot of bad things in my past that should have gotten me killed. I’ve been shot at, stabbed, beat on, kicked, stomped, locked up, let out and I survived it all. On top of all that I was heavy into drug use.
At first I thought this must be punishment for not believing in god. He wants me to suffer, he doesn’t care about me, look at all the shit he let happen to me. You know the blame game. Blame god for all the trouble I got into because of things I’ve done. That’s me never take responsibility for my actions. It was always someone else’s fault. That’s how I lived my life for a very long time (35 years to be exact) with no direction at least I thought I had no direction.
I have come to believe that GOD was talking to me and walking with me the whole time. All that time I spent thinking my prayers weren’t being answered he was answering them and guiding my steps and keeping me safe. I realize that the problem wasn’t GOD the problem was me. I was so busy being angry at GOD for not answering my prayers that I couldn’t hear him when he was giving me the answers. My thought process was so clogged with the residue of the drugs, the anger, the self pity and the negativity that I couldn’t or didn’t want to hear the solutions GOD was providing me.
I know this now because I came to believe. I just recently had a spiritual awakening. I am now in touch with GOD on a daily basis. I believe that he has spared my life for a reason and I am now practicing living his will for me and not my own will. I am finally ready to get the hell out of the way and let GOD direct my steps, my life. I am willing to do this because I can admit that doing things my way for the past 35+ years has not worked. I pray to GOD and I can hear his answers today. He is giving me knowledge to make it through all of my days since my awakening. I feel his presence in my life today. I have faith that THROUGH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. I am truly grateful to finally be able to make those connections I could not make as a kid.
I thank GOD for my life. I thank GOD for saving me from the dispair and destruction that I brought into my own life. Ive learned to let go and let god. One day at a time I will get better.
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Have a blessed day