BREAKING UP WITH MY BAD HABITS AND CREATING NEW ONES. 

We all make choices every day. It’s within those choices that we are able to live either a healthy, positive life or a unhealthy, negative life. The choice is always ours. The decision to do right or wrong rests within our ability to make responsible choices. Today I am choosing to live a healthier lifestyle. 
I have been on this road before. Making New Year resolutions and having every intention of carry it out only to fizzle and fade by March. This time I am taking a different approach, this time I have a plan and I intend to carry it out to the best of my ability. I want to live a long life. I want to be able to enjoy the rest of the years that I have left without the worry and stressing about my health. 

The first phase was to get checked out. That means doctors, dentists and eye care. Check, check and check. The next phase was to get moving. I work in a environment where I don’t move too much. I sit all night and usually and munching on something unhealthy. So I got off my 225 lbs ass and joined a gym. I have consistently been going 3 days a week for 2 weeks. Yaaaaaay. Go me. I feel a difference already. For one thing, I am sleeping better. Along with the gym, I have also been on a healthy smoothie kick. Blending up greens like spinach, Kale and spring mix along with snacking on nuts and fresh fruits instead of the chips, cookies and sodas that I love so much. 

It has been a very challenging couple of months, but I am determined. I am  51 year old male, with a family history of high blood pressure, cholesterol and diabetes among other things. I have used and abused my body for years and by the grace of God I am for the most part pretty healthy. I will no longer take for granted that I will stay this way. I will continue to take responsibility for my health. I will make these things my new habits. 

The next phase will be to quit smoking cigarettes. The time has come to finally be free from nicotine and all the other harmful chemicals associated with tobacco. I will be praying and asking for guidance from my Higher Power. 

I will continue to do the work so I can continue to see the results. 

Peace and blessings. 

Eric Ease.  

MY RESULTS DEPEND ON WHAT I FOCUS ON. 

I remember when I was younger and the many different things that I wanted to do and be. As a child I can remember playing with my siblings and pretending to be this or that. It is a game that many children play. The difference between me and most kids is most grow up and begin to have goals and aspirations. I on the other hand stayed stuck. I allowed fear and other people’s opinions to shape and form my thoughts about myself. I fell into the vacuum of self doubt, pity and indecisiveness. I believed that I would never amount to anything and as a result proceeded to live out my life according to those lies. 

Addiction became my life. When I was a kid I played the game of I want to be this or that, but never did I say when I grow up. I want to be a addict. Who does that. No one, but many of us end up down that long endless road. My addiction started long before I ever picked up my first drug and is still going long after I picked up my last one. I will have the disease of addiction until I take my last breath that I know. I will not though be a victim of the lies that I tell myself nor will I allow my problems, situations or circumstances to keep me locked and loaded in a negative never ending spiral of hopelessness, worthlessness and despair. 

I am growing up. I am able to make healthy decisions and take responsibility for my actions today. That is huge. I am not that same old person and I refuse to allow anyone to treat me like I am. I am no longer focused on my problems from my past, nor do I dwell on my problems of the present. I have learned a valuable lesson since coming into recovery. I can either be a part of the problem or part of the solution. If I continue to dwell on the negative and only see my situations as a problem. I will miss out on growing and developing. I will not be able to see the solutions which in most instances are right in front of me and easy to apply. 

So just for today as I sit here writing this at 30,000 feet. I will keep my focus on the positive so I can continue to enjoy the benefits of what life has to offer. I will stay in the solution and be a part of the bigger picture. After all my results depend on what I focus on. 

What will you focus on? 

Peace and blessings. 

Eric Ease. 

I AM WHAT I TELL MYSELF I AM

It wasn’t too long ago that I told myself that I would never get clean. That I was worthless, useless,  a failure, that I would never be able to stop using and that I would die a lonely death. 

The sad part is that I not only told myself that, but I believed it. 

My outlook on life was dismal to say the least. I had lost all hope of ever living a life that I could be proud of. I had already given up trying to live a life that would please my parents or anyone else. I lost all hope of ever reconciling with my family. I was the lost son. The failure,. The disappointment. 

All those lies I told myself for all those years took hold of my inner spirit. They manifested themselves through my actions and as I result, I lived down to them and then some. I became all that I told myself that I was. I became all that I told myself that I couldn’t be. 

Thoughts just like words are very powerful. But unlike words, I can take my thoughts back. I can shift my thought process at any given moment. But If I choose to allow my thoughts to turn into words and actions. Then all bets are off. 

I have learned some very valuable lessons in my journey in recovery. Of them all, the most valuable thing I have been able to take away from it is. I am what I think I am. I can think myself into a Happy, prosperous life. I life like I never imagined or I can think myself into a corner that I might not be able to come out of clean. I can allow my thoughts to propell me forward or I can allow them to block my blessings and revert back to my old pattern of attitudes and behaviors. 

The bottom line is that I have a choice. Life is a series of choices. The choices I make can either help me or harm me. It all begins and ends with my thinking. 

Peace and Blessings 

Eric Ease 

ADDICTION TAKES NO VACATIONS 

I have been blogging for 5 years 2 months and 7 days. I’ve been clean for 3 years 2 months and 23 days. One thing I have learned is that my addiction never takes a day off. It doesn’t rest or go on break. My addiction is alive and always on call. Ready to step in and cause friction, wreak havoc, tell me lies or isolate me from the herd. My addiction doesn’t take vacations. 
I say that because, as I told you all last week. I have been on the road to self destruction and decided to do something about it. The first thing I did was to tell on myself. First here on my blog and then in a meeting. I shared because I was scared. I am not ashamed to admit my fear of relapse today. I am not ashamed to admit that I am scared because I know all to well what happens when I keep secrets. 

Secrets Kill. 

So although my addiction doesn’t take vacations. I do. I am on a cruise ship right now with my wife and we are having a wonderful time. We are celebrating my birthday which is in 2 days on January 20th. We are sailing from Miami to Honduras, Belize, Cozumel and… We have been waiting patiently for this trip for months and are very happy in each other’s company when we travel. I love her and am grateful we are together. 

I for one know all too well that my addiction aka ME, doesn’t like to see me happy. I have been down this road before and screwed up again and again. More times than I care to mention. I also know that my addiction wants me dead but it will settle for me being miserable. It’s crazy but true. Addiction will have me kill my own self. My dreams and my aspirations. If I am not careful I can easily start believing all the bullshit that runs through my mind at any given moment every day. So I am taking the measures to protect myself.  

Being in a ship in the middle of the ocean where 95% of the people are drinking and drunk I have  made sure to carve out the time to make the on board meetings. Even though the meetings are from another fellowship I make sure to attend. I am grateful to be able to make a meeting in the middle of nowhere. It’s truly a blessing and one that I do not take for granted. It’s easier to use than to stay clean when I am not being vigilant with maintaining my recovery. 

I am responsible for my recovery. 

I will stay connected so I can stay protected. 

Peace and Blessings 

Eric Ease

SELF DESTRUCTION 

I am not a happy camper right now. I have been on a one way trip towards self destruction. I have to admit that I saw it a couple of months ago, but did nothing. I allowed denial to rob me of the opportunity to make a conscious effort to change it and grow from it. Instead I pushed it to the side. I went over it with a minimum of concern and now the pain of staying the same is out weighing the desire to stay the same. 
I’ve heard that when the pain is great enough I will do something about it. We’ll I unfortunately have a high tolerance for pain and usually do something about it when it’s too late. That’s been my MO for years. It’s been a character defect that winds up causing too many people in my life unnecessary pain and causes me the greatest deal of pain over and over again. 

Always one to do what I want to do and suffer the consequences later. You would think that I would have learned that lesson years ago and I truly thought that I did. But here I am once again kicking myself for repeating the same behaviors. When will I be able to get it right. I used to think that using was my only problem. Then I learned that my issues run deeper and have been around far longer than my drug abuse. So I  payed attention to my moods and behaviors and started making changes. I was doing great. Then somewhere along the way. I crossed back over and started cosigning my own bullshit. I started turning a blind eye to my gut. Ignoring my uncomfortable feelings when my attitude was out of whack. 

I have allowed the old attitude and behaviors to drive the yellow cheese bus yet again. I’m in a dangerous place when they are driving and I know it. I needed to vent. I need to purge myself of this poisonous path that I have once again found myself traveling down. The end result is anything but favorable for any and everyone around me but more importantly it is disastrous for me. 

So now I have to do the responsible thing and pump my breaks, make a U-turn and get back on the road to recovery. I refuse to use ever again even if some people wish that I would. I will never give another person the satisfaction of seeing me down.  
NEVER AGAIN. 

I am grateful that I got to speak with my sponsor and he reminded me that I am only human, and I will make mistakes but I also need to get back to the basics. He told me what I already knew and was procrastinating doing. I need to plug my ass back in. Fast. 

I see myself heading back to self destruction and if I don’t change it. I have no one to blame but myself. 

I am responsible for my Life. My Recovery. My Happiness. 

Peace and blessings 

Eric Ease 

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. 

There’s no truer test of a person’s character and motives than time. Time reveals everything. No matter what you hear come from another person’s mouth, elapsed time will always show you the truth. 

It took me many years and many disappointments to learn this very valuable fact. It also taught me that most people cannot be trusted. It’s a lesson that has repeatedly been beaten into my subconscious and as a result I find it very hard to trust people. I always go in waiting for the shoe to drop and the Bullshit to hit the proverbial fan. For the most part, my gut has not let me down. 

Yet and still, I long for the day that I can finally say Damn I was wrong. Believe me it doesn’t happen that often. But every now and again someone surprises me. 

Because I try my best to say what I mean and do what I say today. I let my guard down and expect that others will do the same. In the beginning it always looks promising but as usual somewhere along the way the plan gets changed and I didn’t get the memo. I wind up being the Fucking fool and wondering how did I wind up here. Again. 

In my active addiction, I didn’t play by the rules. I broke trusts, hearts, pockets, banks and anything else that I could. But people already knew how I was. I was using, what did you expect. In recovery I play by a different set of rules. The ones that my parents instilled in me many years ago. I have worked hard to live by some principles.  To be trustworthy and stand for something. But I’ve come to realize that just because I do, doesn’t mean that others do to. 

I am hurt right now because I had a plan and that plan has now become derailed. Again somewhere along the line the plan got changed and I didn’t get the memo. 

Sometimes I wonder why. 

Why do I bother trying to change, 

Why do I believe that people can be trusted. 

Why not just give up. 

I guess I need to keep searching for the answers to those questions. 

I guess I will keep coming. 

But then again why should I. 

Peace and blessings 

Eric Ease 

FEELING UNSATISFIED 

Lately I have been feeling like I should be better off and definitely farther along life’s path than I am. I’m feeling like every step I take forward that I am getting no closer to being satisfied with myself. I am my worse critic. I have made tremendous progress in my 3 years in recovery and just like in my addiction, I still want more. I am feeling like the progress that I have made should have been accomplished a long time ago and  It’s making me feel depressed to say the least.  

It seems to me that I am really only spinning my wheels and I am not getting anywhere fast. I want so much more out of life than to be stuck in the daily rat race of my 9 to 5. Struggling for years working for a company that doesn’t care. Living and working around people that don’t care and remembering how much I didn’t care when I was active. Now that I am clean I realize how much of life I truly missed out on. 

MY life right now is the best it has ever been and yet I still have the feelings of emptiness, loneliness and worthlessness. I still suffer from anxiety over the future because of the many failures of my past. The haunting reality of a life not to long gone. 

I am at a crossroad in my life right now. I guess this is what some call midlife crisis. I don’t know. I’ve never felt so unhappy with where I am at other than when I was using. But this is different, this isn’t the desperation and despair feelings. These are the feelings of I should be spending my time more wisely. Doing the things that I love to do not because I have to do them. 

I read a quote once that said. If you are unhappy with your outcomes change your circumstances. Or something like that. Long story short. If nothing changes, nothing changes. I am ultimately responsible for my outcomes. I will only get out of it what I put in. I have to let go of the things that are making me feel unhappy. I have to step up, step out on faith and put in the work required to make my dreams a reality. 

I am no longer satisfied with the status quo. The old beliefs that I have to do this the way everyone else has been doing it. I tried it and it’s no longer working for me. My eyes have been opened to a new way of life and I must take this opportunity to advance for myself and my family. I think I’ve paid enough dues it’s time for me to start seeing some of the benefits and rewards of my labor. 

I will keep praying on it. God’s will not Mines be done. 

Peace and blessings. 

Eric Ease