The Struggle is real

Goodmorning, eafternoon or evening depending on your time zone. I pray that while you are reading this all is well in your world. As many of you already know. i am recovering from a major stroke that has left me partially paralyzed on my left side. I am truly grateful to be alive and able to do certain things so please do not confuse this post as me complaining for i am just venting my frustratios and how i am feeling right now

Just for today. ihave learned a valuable lesson as a result of my present circumstances. i am loved. i am a lot stronger than i give myself credit for. i have taken a lot of life for granted. i never realized how truly blessed i was to be able to do some of the simple every day things. that we don’t think too much about, like brushing my teeth and getting dressed taking a showerall simple stuff right. i now realize being unable to do some of those things without help how much i have taken for granted. how ungrateful i have been.

i have been spared many times in my life. the first major blessing brought me into recovery, my life was spared the horrors of active addiction. believe me there were plenty of blessings in my addiction too. i could have died on many occasions but my life was spared. once again this year. while i laid on my bathroom floor alone for 3 days after suffering a stroke and hitting my head on the toilet and as i lay there i had the opportunity to get closer to my higher power. i

Although. i came to truly believe in a power greater than myself as a result of becoming a member of the fellowship and my life started to change for the better. i have witnessed blessing after blessing as a result of getting and staying clean.i believe because. i am a walking, talking miricle,

 

 

i have had a spiritual awakening as a result of rude awakening.

my gratitude is super charged right now.

 

but I wouldn’t be telling thr truth if i left out i am struggling right now trying to get back  whewre i was before the stroke mentaly, spiritually anf physically.

 

i put in the work and i am making some great progress but being an addict, i want what i want and i want it now.. i know i only have power of the work i put in not the results. i will let God be God and not attempt to control the outcome of my therapy.

 

i am a survivor…..

after all the name of this blog says it all

FROM STRUGGLE TO STRENGTH.this too shall pass.

 

Peace and blessings

Eric Ease

 

 

 

NO MATTER WHAT

I am so grateful for the process of recovery and all that I have learned and the support network that I have built. Without it. I surely would have fell into a state of depression with every thing that has been going on in my life at this time. I first had a stroke in early February and then losty mom at the end of February and I just was diagnosed with blood clots in my lungs. It’s been 1hit right after another. As soon as I come up for air and I get hit with another wave. Ism thankful that today no matter what life throws at me. I don’t have to use. Using is never the answer and it will not make me feel better. 5years ago it would have been a different story. I am proud of myself for the progress that I have made and the growth I’ve finally learned how to express my feelings and not try to smoke them away.

Thank you tveryone for all the love and support

Peace and blessings

Eric Ease

i am strugglingwith acceptance

i am really hsving s hard time accepting my current situation. Not being able to just get up snd walkwhenever iwant to is hnot being able to lift my arm to scratch my headis also a little frustrating.i remind myselfas i sit herer typing with 1 hand  that i am blessed that is theleast of my problems. i know many others who hsve had strokes and were not as fortunate as i am. i should keep my complaints to myself.

 

I am truly grateful thaT ai have a great support network. my wife especially has been my rock throughout this whole ordeal.She is amazing, i thank god for her

THE ROAD TO RECOVERY

Is in deed a long road. I have to admit that it is frustrating sat times. I am constantly being told to slow down by the staff here. I have to remember that I am not in control of the out come. I am only responsible for the efforts. I will be able to walk again in God’s time not in my time I know it’s a process. After all I am a recovering addict. I still suffer from I want what I want and I want it now. Instant gratification. . I am eager to get back to walking again. It’s very difficult not to be able to use my left arm and leg am making great progress. Today I walked a whole 41 fleet. Yaaaay me

Recovering from a strokSTROKE

Greetings from me to you on this befifil day. As I sit here in my rehab room looking pout the window at the passersbys below. In a way this all seems familiar. Like I have been here before, but it’s no the same. This time is very different. I Am not here trying to escape from using. No this time I am recovering from a major stroke. I had a blood clot travel and stop on the right side of my brain an block thee flow of blood. It caused me to colspse in my him. I was rushed to the 😋loop E. Regency room iv been recovering since. N

IT’S OUR ANNIVERSARY

I would like to take this opportunity to to wish my beautiful wife a happy 1 year anniversary.

We are together in Punta Cana enjoying each other’s company and having a wonderful time.

Thank you for being on this journey with me and for loving me as much as I love you.

I look forward to many more fantastically awesome years together.

I love you.

Peace and Blessings.

Eric Ease

RELATIONSHIPS PART 2

I don’t believe in coincidence so my post yesterday must have been trying to tell me something.. There’s a lesson to be learned here and last night I think I finally got it.

I might be wrong and it won’t be the first time. I am learning that the longer I stay clean, the more I don’t know much about living life clean. I do not handle situations in a rational manner and I am still not mature in many areas.

I believe that I may have stepped into something that I should not have. I am coming to terms that I was not ready and I still am not ready to be that person. I am just starting to feel like I am getting a little bit better and then BOOM. The old attitudes and behaviors show me that I am not.

I have never been in a healthy relationship. All of my life I have used one substance or another and in every relationship those behaviors have led to it’s demise, but I do not have the substance to blame now.

They say that Your best teacher is your last mistake, They say a lesson will repeat itself until it is learned. Obviously I have not learned shit.

Well that’s not entirely true.

I have learned that I do not want to cause anyone any harm. Yet I still do. Knowing that I am causing harm does not sit well with me today. I feel like I am causing someone that I love more harm than good. No matter how hard I try I always wind up being the bad guy. So I must be doing something wrong and need to find some inner peace.

I need to correct myself. I cannot be any good to anyone if I am no good to myself. I cannot love anyone until I truly learn how to love myself. I thought I did, but I am not sure anymore. I have prayed and prayed again.

I realize that I have been placing the blame, but what I should do is own my part. I take ownership. I know that I am far from perfect. I know that I need to allow others their space.

I am not taking hostages today.

Peace and Blessings

Eric Ease

RELATIONSHIPS

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Hello beautiful people. I hope that when you are reading this you are enjoying your life to the fullest possible extent. If you are not then don’t fret, there is always the opportunity to make changes. Today WE have the power of choice.

 

I can remember when I thought I did not have a choice. I did what everyone else was doing, what everyone else wanted me to do, what everyone else thought I should be doing. I was a follower and I followed people just so I could feel like I belonged. I wanted so badly for people to like me that I forgot about liking myself. I forgot about what I wanted to do, what I dreamed of being and where I wanted to go. I found myself in some incredibly dark situations and sticky circumstances.

For as long as I could remember I wanted to be someone else and when I became old enough to, I did just that. I created and recreated myself. Over and over again. In this part of town and that part. With this person and with that one. All the while hiding my true identity, hiding my true feelings, living up to the code of the streets. The life that I lived got me tangled in a web of deceit, dishonesty, self deception and lies. I pretended for so long that my true being got buried under the many masks that I had to wear everyday just to survive the mess I made of my life. I wandered around aimlessly for years acting like I was this or that, hiding my true identity and eventually it was no longer a act. I was lost. Caught up in the grips with no apparent means of escape. When the smoke cleared I looked around and I was all alone. No friends calling me, no family checking up on me. Just me and my many identities.

It’s amazing now that I can look back at where I used to be. Well truth be told there are a lot of adjectives I could use to describe it. One thing is for sure. I am grateful that I am learning to let go of that part of my life that I clung to for dear life for so long.

It is not easy either. When you practice a certain thing no matter what it is for a long period of time, you become skilled at it. Just like the skilled musician did not become skilled overnight I too did not just master deception overnight nor will I be rid of it just because it no longer suits me. If I do not practice a new way of thinking and behaving I can easily return to my old patterns with the blink of a eye or the snap of a finger.

Which leads me to the subject at hand. Relationships.

I avoided them at all costs for the majority of my life. I learned at a early age that people could not be nor should they be trusted. My experiences in the past have taught me that. But I am no longer living in the past so in order for me to start the process of being restored I need to allow myself to let go of the past and form healthy relationships.

Maybe I need help???

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This is the area that I struggle with the most..

I allowed myself to come out of my shell a little bit at a time but never allow anyone to really get too close to me. I still shield myself and only allow people to know what I want them to know. I do not really hang out with people and am still very comfortable in my own company. I am very guarded and I really do not trust anyone still to this day. I can share in meetings without hesitation but when it comes to more intimate settings I would rather not get involved. I get the uneasy feelings and then allow fear to shut me down and make me feel like I need to be somewhere else.. And I usually make my exit shortly after those feelings arise.

Relationships are a painful and sometime frightening area for me.

This is new ground and it makes me feel like I felt back when I was a kid all over again. I also know that the fear is just in my head. I know that I am loved and liked and I also know that I love and like others. Although I may struggle with expressing my affection for others I know that I can feel it and I feel it from others. Again this is all new ground for me. It takes me a little longer to warm up to people but eventually I will get there. I know this is my process, and I will get to where I need to be in time. Not my time. My higher powers time.

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I will continue to work on myself and work through my issues at my own pace. I do not feel the need to people please just so I can say that I have friends. I am loving who I am becoming and will not compromise my values and principles today.

I know today that I have a choice.

 

Peace and Blessings

 

Eric Ease

 

 

 

MISSING BUT NOT M.I.A.

Good afternoon everyone, I hope that you all are in good health and spirits. As for me well all I can say is Thank you God.

It has been quite some time since my last post and for this I truly apologize. I have been preoccupied. Living life on life’s terms is not easy, suddenly I find that there aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything that I think I need to do. I must admit that I am amazed at how my life has turned out so far. The good, bad and the sometimes ugly of today are nothing compared to how I saw life just a short 4 years and 10 months and some days ago.

Ok Ok.

Let me catch you up on what has been going on in the life of this recovering addict.

As many of you might know, I’ve moved from NYC. I have been blessed to have the opportunity to start a brand new life in a brand new state. I have also been blessed to find a woman to spend my life with. We are making a new life together and it has been an amazing journey from the start. There have been many blessings along my journey in this new life in recovery. I have learned to stand up for myself, not accept anything, I do not need to people please to try to fit in. I have learned to love myself and treat myself with respect and to accept love from others. I am still growing and changing in so many ways. I am grateful beyond words.

I remember my beginning, back when I struggled to stay clean. I thought that I would die using and used to say that I wanted people to put drugs in the casket. Smfh. I mean who thinks like that. Just that alone should have told me that something was seriously wrong. I thank God that I was saved from myself. Yes God because left to my own devices, I wouldn’t have stopped until I either killed myself or someone else.

Coming from my active addiction into the recovery process was not a easy transition. I resisted everything and everyone that tried to help me. I was still caught up in the grips of my addiction and the false beliefs that I had developed over the decades of using. I couldn’t believe that anyone in their right mind could actually want to stop using drugs. I couldn’t grasp the slogan if you don’t pick up, you can’t get high. All I’ve ever known and wanted was to pick up. So I struggled and suffered in silence. As time went on and after several returns to active addiction I finally found myself willing to try a different way of doing things. I was ready and so I surrendered and my life began to change.

There are times in my Journey that my old attitudes and behaviors are active. I find myself wanting to revisit negative thoughts and act out on my negative behaviors. Those are the times when I have to remember what practicing those behaviors have gotten me. Jails and institutions are a part of my past and I have no desire to make them a part of my present. I have to keep my story fresh in my mind but not live in or become stuck on those thoughts. It’s Ok to visit my past but God knows I do not wish to live there. So I plug back in and stay connected.

Although my life is great now, it only takes one bad decision to startup a vicious cycle all over again. I am grateful to be missing because my life has changed and become full and not missing because I used and returned to the scene of my addiction. The work that needs to be done is ongoing, it’s never alright to think that I don’t need to stay in this process or that I don’t need it anymore. That is the biggest lie that I could ever tell myself and will only lead to the self destruction that I only have a daily reprieve from. I am only a strong as the program that I work. If I am not working on my recovery, then relapse will be working on me.

So I take action to

STAY CONNECTED, STAY PROTECTED

Peace and blessings.

Eric Ease

ALIENATION & ISOLATION

Feeling like I don’t fit in. I’ve been struggling lately with feeling alienated. Yet again feeling Like I don’t belong.

I remember all to well those feelings I had in my active addiction. Just wanting to feel like I was a part of something and the hoops that I caused myself to jump through, just to fit in. Those were some of the most painful days of my life.

This feels familiar, but different at the same time. Today I refuse to subject myself to the degradation and embarrassment of those antics. Today I would rather just be left alone. I know how to isolate. I know how to remove myself from the people, places and things. I also know that separation from the people, places and things that have and still are saving me from myself is a major mistake and a tragedy waiting to happen.

I at a point in my life where I am just tired of the nonsense. The games and all the BULLSHIT that remind me of my days of pain, suffering and misery. Recovery is supposed to be a life line and supposed to be about change. But if nothing changes, then nothing changes. The work has to continue to be a priority because when I start to slack off I feel it in more ways than I can count.

My addiction is very much active at any given time of the day and I have been allowing it to run rampant. Forgetting about the gratitude and complaining about just about anything and everything. I need to get back to the basics. Check myself daily. Hourly even. Remember why I am here and how I got here. God’s grace kept me from killing me and I will not allow it to finish the job now.

Thank you. I needed to hear myself and the insanity that was running through my head just now.

Peace and blessings.

Eric Ease